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He kissed me good night and then went off to check on something in the kitchen. I hurried down to my suite and shut the door behind me. Then I fell on my bed and cried. I wasn't crying over any one thing, but all of it--crying over Momma's leaving us, crying over seeing someone else's parents so happily in love, crying over Daddy's frustration and unhappiness with Momma and her unhappiness with him, crying over his not being able to be with only me.

After I had cried ten oceans of tears, I was finally tired out and I curled up in my bed, hugging my stuffed sailor teddy bear, I could hear the ballroom dance band playing something soft and lovely above and I could hear the water lapping against the sides of the ship below, and if I listened even harder, I could hear the beating of my heart.

Nothing could have made me feel more lonely. I was happy to fall asleep.

five ALMOST AN ORPHAN

. I tried very hard to keep myself occupied during our remaining time in Montego Bay so that I wouldn't keep thinking about Momma's going home, because whenever I did, my heart felt like a brick in my chest. The Spenser sisters and I finally made friends with two boys who at first seemed very disinterested in us, probably because they were high school age and thought it was beneath them to associate with younger girls. They both attended a prep school outside of Boston and had their noses in the air. A number of times before, I had seen them side by side in lounge chairs on the deck or playing chess, but they never paid me or the Spenser sisters the slightest attention.

The taller of the two, a boy with very thin, light brown hair and hazel eyes, introduced himself as Fulton Wittington, Jr. His friend, Raymond Hunt, was much stouter and far less good-looking, but a lot more informal and relaxed. I think he liked me because it was he who brought us together when he saw Clara, Melanie and I playing shuffleboard. He began to tease me.

"You push that like you're pushing a broom," he said.

Although he wasn't very good-looking because his mouth was too long and his nose was too thin, he did have a friendly, warm smile, once he let himself smile.

"I wouldn't know. I never pushed a broom," I retorted and turned my back to them. That made them both laugh.

"You better not make fun of her," Clara said with her hands on her hips. "Her father owns the ship."

"Oh?" Fulton suddenly became more interested and very soon after, they joined our game, first to give us instructions, and then just to have fun. We all had lunch together and decided to go to the beach together that afternoon. The Spenser sisters giggled and whispered most of the time, which I thought was very impolite and immature. Before the afternoon ended, they were off to themselves, splashing and frolicking in the water, and I was left with both boys, lying between them on a great beach towel.

It was a cloudless day with the sea breeze making the sun seem less intense than it really was, but I had all Momma's suntan oils and skin creams. Fulton, Raymond and I talked about many things, including school, the new movies and fashions. For the most part, I found they liked and disliked many of the same things I did.

Fulton's family had a seaside home on Cape Cod, and when I mentioned having been to the sea recently at Farthinggale Manor, I was surprised to learn that not only did he know of it, but his father had purchased two Tatterton Toys, a replica of the Tower of London, and a replica of the Bastille.

"They're wonderful!" Fulton exclaimed. "There's even a working guillotine. If you put your pinky finger under it, it would cut the tip off."

"I think I can do without that," I said grimacing.

"A number of my parents' friends have Tatterton collector's toys. My father instructed the manager of the Tatterton Toy Store to inform him the moment any other famous prison has been made."

"My mother wants my father to get a Tatterton toy," Raymond said. "He's supposed to buy one this Christmas."

"My parents are very proud of them," Fulton added. He wanted to know what Farthinggale Manor was like, so I described it and told them both about Tony and Troy and the maze. They seemed fascinated and I was very proud of myself for being so interesting and attractive to two older boys, both of whom were obviously very rich and very well traveled. I thought Momma would be very proud of me as well.

I kept calling to the Spenser sisters and telling them to put on some skin creams, but they didn't listen so both of them got bad shoulder and neck burns before we quit the beach and returned to the ship.

"You know," Fulton said while he looked out at the Spenser sisters, "it's very difficult, if not impossible, to believe you are their age."

"You could pass for a high school senior," Raymond said and Fulton agreed. In the bright sunlight my blushing was undetected, but I felt a tingle of excitement in the way they both gazed at me now.

That night I waved to them from the captain's table where I sat with Daddy and the governor of the Island. Everyone talked about the tourist industry and how Jamaica was growing to be one of the most popular spots in the Caribbean. When the governor described his hope that it would be the sort of vacation paradise not only the very rich and

glamorous would enjoy, but the middle class as well, I thought it was good Mamma wasn't here. She would be very disappointed in learning that, for she was always looking for special places that only the very rich or famous visited.

I saw that Clara and Melanie hadn't come to dinner. When I inquired about them, Mr. and Mrs. Spenser told me they were back in their suite suffering with their very bad sunburns. After dinner Raymond and Fulton escorted me to the Caribbean show, which turned out to be one of the most exciting shows I had ever seen on any of Daddy's luxury cruises. There were folk dancers in colorful costumes and straw hats, calypso musicians with a twenty-piece steel-drum band and folk singers who sang songs about love on the islands.

After the entertainment portion, guests were invited to try the limbo. They had to dance and lean back and slip under this bamboo pole without touching it. It was lowered and lowered until there was barely anyone left in the game. At that point an island dancer dropped his body until he was barely inches from the floor and moved under the pole with the agility of a snake. The audience loved it.

I spent the entire next day with Fulton and Raymond. They taught me how to play chess and we went swimming on the beach again. In the cooler, later afternoon, we went shopping in the street markets and I found a beautiful hand-painted silk scarf I knew Momma would love. I bought Daddy an ornamental cane covered with carved fish.

Fulton and Raymond wanted to take me on a glass-bottom boat and tour the harbor, but I was anxious to get back to the ship and dress for dinner because this was the night Daddy was taking me to a Jamaican restaurant instead of our eating aboard. I was looking forward to the two of us having a wonderful evening together, talking. I put on some of the costume jewelry Momma had left me and sat before my mirror brushing my hair just the way she always did, counting out one hundred strokes. I put on the lipstick just the way she showed me and sprayed myself with jasmine perfume. I wore a bright blue silk blouse with a lace embroidered collar and a full pleated matching skirt. So that I would look older and more sophisticated, unbuttoned the first two buttons of my blouse.

My face was evenly tanned and the silver earrings and bright blouse highlighted it well. I felt that I looked sensational and I hoped against hope that Daddy would think so too. Older boys liked me and found me fun and interesting and mature. I was wearing Momma's jewelry and perfume and I admitted to myself for the first time that there were strong resemblances between us. Perhaps I really was going to be beautiful after all. Was it vain to think it? I couldn't help admiring my own image in the mirror, even though I knew it wasn't very nice to be conceited. But there was no one here, no one would know, I thought.

I stood there assuming different poses, trying to imitate some of Momma's expressions and looks. I sucked in my cheeks, turned my shoulders, drew my shoulders back and thrust out my breasts until they looked more prominent. I pretended a handsome, young man was looking at me across the dance floor. Should I smile back and encourage him? Momma probably would, I thought, even though Daddy wouldn't like it. I turned slowly and smiled. Then I laughed at myself. But it was fun to be silly.

I took a deep breath, gazed at myself in the mirror one more time to check my hair, and then went out to meet my date, Daddy.