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“It was at first, but I cannot feel pain anymore.”

No pain. What is that like?

“At all?” I question. “Not even the pain of losing your sister?”

At that, his smile drops. “No physical pain,” he amends.

Ah. “So you’re to live for eternity with the pain of loss. Doesn’t that frighten you?”

He shrugs. “Why should it? I will live forever. I will have plenty of time to make a new family. Make new friends. I will have more people to care for me than ever before.”

The more he talks, the more I realize how much my capacity for hate can grow. Everything is about him and how he feels. People are replaceable.

Has he always believed this? I felt his love and devotion to his sister when I saw his memories. Was she the exception? Or has time changed him? Or perhaps the panaceum, an item that changes you physically, is also capable of changing who you are on the inside. If so, what would long-term exposure to such a thing cause?

And since it’s already made changes to me, am I in danger of losing who I am, too?

The thought is more terrifying than anything else. I am deadly as is, but what if I had no conscience? What would the panaceum have me do for the rest of my days? A killer who is unkillable?

I can’t allow that to happen.

“But you will continue to lose everyone forever,” I say. “You will live while everything else grows old and passes on.”

“Except for you,” he says, his eyes heating. “Everything except for you.”

I try not to grimace at the words, but he must see it.

“You cannot fathom anything more than one life because it is all you expected, but you must learn to see the greater possibilities, Sorinda. You must imagine all the good you could do with immortality. Imagine a life where you can fulfill your every whim because no one can stop you.”

My every whim?

No.

I live for others because my sins are unforgivable. I serve Alosa because she is good and will keep me on the right track.

Anything else is unthinkable.

“Good, you are considering the possibilities,” he says, misinterpreting my silence. “That is all I can ask for today. That you just consider what we could do. Now then, do you have any questions about me? Not what I can do but who I am? Please, Sorinda, just get to know me. I know you’ll like what you learn.”

Chapter 18

OH NO.

Now I have to feign interest in him?

I’ve never done that before in my life.

I’m no actress. I’m not good at being anything other than myself or silent, which I suppose are the same thing.

I rack my brain for something to ask this man with the expectant, hopeful features. The one who holds my future and that of my crew in his hands.

“How old are you?” is what comes out first.

“I was twenty-five when I set out to find my sister’s cure.”

“What did you do to support yourself?”

He looks around the chamber proudly. “I apprenticed with a stone mason.”