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Someone I love.

Do you know how relieved I feel when she makes me hers? It’s not fear. It’s not even immense pleasure. It’s relief. She’s here. She’s with me. She’s not going anywhere, and she wants me so badly that a moment like this occurs. I can’t believe it. Ira! In love with me!

Me, in love with her!

I cry.

“No, no, sweetie…” She immediately tends to me. I’m a mess. I have other things to worry about. “Don’t cry. What’s wrong?”

Ira’s forehead touches mine. My legs slip off the table and away from her hips. Her warmth is all over me, coddling me, but my crying drives a wedge between us.

“I love you.”

“And I love you too…” The tone of her voice says that she doesn’t understand the problem here. “Tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it once and for all.”

She almost sounds hopeful. Like the power of love alone is enough to keep us together beyond this next week, month, however long it takes for me to break again because I’m being kept from who I really am.

“You can’t fix who we are, Ira. You can’t rearrange the cosmos so we’re magically happy with this arrangement for the rest of our lives.”

There I go, talking about forever. As if we’ll get married. As if we’ll be anything more than two dominants skirting around the big elephant in the room so we can make it one more month without breaking up. Meanwhile, yours truly won’t know who she is anymore.

The things people – including my acquaintances – will say to me. You may say that they’re not real friends if they don’t support my relationship, but they are important to me. I can’t lose myself like that and lose my friends. Eve would stay by my side, but who else?

“I may not have the power or the money to change the universe, my love, but I do have the power to change what’s happening here.” She presses her forehead against my shoulder. “Yet I can’t change a damn thing if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”

My ass slides off the table. I pull down my skirt, although I do not push her away. In fact, I welcome her embracing me and telling me some more about how much she loves me. What woman doesn’t want to hear that after lovemaking?

This woman, I guess.

“You know I love you.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to tell when you’re not sharing what’s on your mind and instead running off to Europe, Katie.”

She’s caressing my head, letting her fingers run through my hair that has fallen from my immaculate twist. Not so immaculate anymore. Eventually, Ira plucks my jewels from my hair and gingerly arranges them on the table. I try not to think about what’s going on between my thighs. It’ll send me back into a spiral of eroticism I can’t afford to deal with.

“This isn’t enough for me.” I’m mumbling, but I’m sure she hears me. “I need things from you that you can’t, or at least won’t, give me.”

Her fist hits the conference table we made love on. I can only imagine her frustration. Here she is, someone with countless money, resources, and charm. And she can’t hang on to the only woman she apparently wants.

You say you can change our situation, Ira, but I’m not too sure. I wish you could, though.

I wish I could be content with being the only switch.

“I’m not asking you to change who you are.” My hand rests on her arm, trying to reassure her, but it’s not enough. “You didn’t ask me to change who I was. You saw something inside me and helped me realize it. For that, thank you. I’m not sure I could do that with anyone else.”

Our eyes meet in the dark.

“It’s not fair, right? We should be able to be together. Yet… how happy could I be, and how long? What kind of pressure would I put you under? It’s not fair to either of us.”

“So, what?” Ira turns to me. Under usual circumstances, I would laugh at how she’s still unzipped, but I only want to hold her. “We break up because of something as stupid as that?”

“It’s not stupid, and you know it.”

Ira embraces me, her scent making me feel better for a single moment. This should be enough. Her, me, our bodies. Even if I never submitted to her again and we pursued a vanilla relationship, I would still crave it. Even if we conceded to other lovers in the kink scene, we would get jealous. We’re both people built for monogamy, even when it comes to kink.

Why, God?

“Don’t leave me.” Ira squeezes me. “I don’t want to be without you for another day.”