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Kathleen’s red in the face, that rosy hue nothing in comparison to the red beaded flowers blooming behind her. I’m so taken in by this image that I barely hear what she says.

“No.” The hardest thing in the world right now is keeping my voice steady. “You’re the only one I’m seeing.”

Derision flows through her flared nostrils. “I don’t believe you.”

“What? Why?”

She shakes her head, that wavy blond hair snaking through the air. “It’s not that I think you’re lying. It’s me having to keep my guard up so I don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

I catch a glimpse of her stone-cold façade crumbling. “Don’t fall in love with you.”

I’m tired of these silences, yet it’s like we can’t avoid them. Especially after Katie says something like that. “You’re falling in love with me?”

“For God’s sake.” Kathleen turns away again with a click in her throat. “Yes, Ira. I hate every second I spend falling in love with you. For every moment I feel your affection and what you do to me, I see who you really are and want to die.”

“Who am I? Really?” This should be good.

Kathleen still won’t let me touch her. Not that I blame her. “You heard what I said in there. You’re a player. You have no interest in a serious relationship with anyone, least of all me.” Before I question that as well, she laughs and says, “A Domme. Could you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with a Domme? The other night doesn’t count. You’re not going to be interested in that often enough to keep me happy.”

She steps away from the window and passes me. I want to reach out and caress her arm. Hold her hand. Hold her to me. Except I don’t dare.

“Why do we have to think about the rest of our lives?”

I instantly feel like an idiot when she looks at me with nothing but pity. “I always have to think about the rest of my life, Ira. If I don’t stay one step ahead, I fall back ten more. Someone like me who doesn’t have what will really make me happy in mind?” She shrugs. “They’re a waste of my time. I don’t care how good the sex is. You can’t expect me to live on your terms.”

“I don’t…”

“You do.” She’s in my face, calm, but too cool for me to speak to. “It’s always about what Ira Mathison wants. You want to have sex? We get to have sex. You want to dominate me? Those are your terms, fine. You want me to put on a cuckold BDSM show? Sure! Yet if I asked for any of that? You would run.”

I don’t say anything.

“I’m not a woman who can be bossed around every day of her life. The first thing you did in there was make sure everyone at the table knew that I was nothing more than a casual fuck to you. You said that in front of my father.”

Wincing, I apologize.

“Sorry tires me right now. I dunno, maybe I need to cool off, but I’m dangerously close to making a huge mistake with you, and that’s the last thing I want. We’re working together. Perhaps we should drop whatever we have going on and go back to normal. Excuse me.”

She pushes past me and leaves the room. I don’t know where she goes. I’m frozen in place, looking at the spot where she stood a minute before.

There is no going back to normal.

Normal was not having her, even though I so desperately wanted her.

I’ve been carrying my secret for too long now. A few days, sure, but it’s a few days of knowledge torturing my heart, my mind, and my weary soul. You see, I’ve never been in love before. I wasn’t entirely sure I was, since the only times I thought “I think I love Kathleen” happened during sex, and that’s never a good indicator of anything.

But the moment she walks out that door, I feel an emptiness I am not familiar with.

This isn’t like the other times we parted, with hopes of seeing one another intimately again. Those separations were bearable.

This… this emptiness says I’m in love.

Kathleen thinks she’s in danger of falling in love with me? I’m past danger. I’m mired in a hell gnawing at my tendons and making me want to throw up the bile simmering in this emptiness I’m drowning in.

Fucked up. That’s what I did. I’ve fucked up big, and now I have to face my family and a woman who won’t stop haunting me ever since that unfortunate night I first realized I’m attracted to Kathleen. Ha. More than attracted.

I’m pathetic.