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That also meant I couldn’t call the shelter and get out of volunteering without leaving them one person short. Not that I wanted to, but I expected Holden to throw a fit. Weirdly enough, he didn’t.
Due to his size, they didn’t want him out in the front where the women would see him, so he helped in the kitchen with me since I like to stay out of sight in the back too. I’m just glad I had enough brain cells left this morning to grab a scarf on the way out, or today might have gone very differently. I only got a quick peek at my throat in the bathroom earlier, but there’s no denying someone had their hands around my neck and squeezed.
Just as I’d expected.
I should feel disgusted and angry about what happened, but there’s this little voice in the very back of my head that has been yelling the most random things at me all day long, probably playing a huge role in the massive headache I have.
You deserve whatever Phoenix throws your way.
Why didn’t he squeeze harder and finally put you out of your misery?
Don’t pretend you didn’t like it. It’s been years since you felt this alive.
The first two don’t surprise me; they are pretty much regular thoughts at this point. But the third one did throw me for a bit. I might not like this situation with Phoenix, but I can’t deny I felt something when he had his hand around my neck. Not in a sexual way like I’ve read about in books, but more so in a way that had all my worries go away.
In those minutes where he slowly increased the pressure on my windpipe, this strange sense of peace and freedom spread through me. The spot in my heart that has been filled with nothing but dread, fear, death, and constant anxiety for so many years now was suddenly quiet. So quiet that for a blissful moment, there was enough room for me to feel the energy, vibrancy, and excitement of being alive. But just as fast as it appeared, it was gone again.
The more I think about it, the less it makes sense, and I’m glad I don’t have to share these thoughts with anyone. Someone would probably admit me to a mental hospital.
Nevertheless, it has made me very tired of feeling the way I’ve been feeling the last few years, more so than before. And since I had all day long to think about all of my depraved thoughts, I’ve also come to the conclusion that just because I’m stuck in this unfortunate situation at the moment, itdoesn’t mean I have to for the rest of my life. I just need to figure out what this new life of mine entails and then play my cards right when the time comes.
I sense Holden’s gaze on me and clear my throat.
“Thanks for helping out at the shelter. That was very nice of you.” And I mean it too. He didn’t have to, and extra hands are always appreciated.
The rows of trees on either side of the road gently sway in the breeze as we drive by. It’s easier to focus on them than on Holden. I’m sure his name is right below Phoenix’s on the list of people who’d like to kill me, seeing as he’s Phoenix’s right-hand man. Although, he did save me this morning.
“How did you end up volunteering there?”
With my gaze on the greenery outside, I think back to that day I met Doreen, the woman running the shelter. “I wasn’t . . . you know, I wasn’t in a good place after my sister died and everything happened with Phoenix. I felt like I was suffocating at home, so I wandered around the city for hours. I didn’t have a clear goal in mind. I just knew I was looking for something.
“One day, a storm blew in when I was miles away from home. I walked past the shelter and recognized the name from one of the charity galas I’d been to. I stopped and stood there, completely drenched, until an older woman ran out to drag me inside. She took care of me. Gave me some dry clothes and a hot meal. She didn’t know me or know if I was rich or homeless, yet she cared more for me than most people ever had. I wanted to help her help others, and with more than just a check.”
Holden parks in the garage, the gray Mercedes fitting right in with the otherexpensive cars.
He opens my door and studies me. “Let me guess, Doreen?”
I nod.
After closing the door behind me, he strides toward the entrance that leads into the mudroom. “Boss wants to see you.”
I follow him without replying because, of course, Phoenix wants to see me. I didn’t think we were done after what happened this morning.
I’m still wondering if he would have finished the job if Holden hadn’t intervened. His dark gaze and the pure hatred in it has me leaning toward yes. At the very least, he wanted to.
“Princess.”
Holden’s voice brings me back to reality.
I’d tailed him like a lost puppy through the maze of hallways and stairs without paying attention to where we were going.
To my surprise, the door he holds open takes us outside.
He must see the confusion on my face because he says, “Gym.”
“The gym is outside?” I step onto the pebble pathway leading away from the house.
“Different building.” He points toward a black rectangular structure on one side of the vast grounds.