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I thought talking about this would help, but maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, after all.
My gaze moves to the pool, the floating trays a stark reminder of one of the biggest regrets of my life.
“You know, I often think about that night, yourbirthday party, and how different things could have been if I hadn’t made you hate me.”
“Why did you do it?”
Our gazes meet, and time stands still for a moment. “Because I knew I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from you otherwise. I needed you to hate me. The older I got, the more fucked up my world got. I was drawn to you from the moment I first saw you, and I wanted you so badly. But I knew I’d eventually step into my father’s footsteps. That’s what he groomed me for, and somehow, he made me believe I wanted that power too.”
My throat tightens, but I can’t stop now. “He always said women made you weak, yet I wanted to be selfish and have you anyway. But you wanted to travel the world and play your music. Every time you talked about it, your entire face lit up, and you were wearing the most beautiful smile.”
Eve sighs, remembering that time with me.
I lean forward, wanting her to understand my reasons. Or maybe I just want to make myself feel better about my past decisions. “You deserved that life, and I knew I couldn’t give it to you. My future was dark and gloomy, whereas yours looked so bright. Taking that away from you would have meant watching the life drain out of your eyes, only leaving behind the same dull acceptance my mother has in hers. I saw how my dad treated my mother, how his business partners treated their women, and I didn’t want you anywhere near that. You were so full of life, so eager to explore the world and lose yourself in your music, and I knew I could never drag you into my world where all of that would die eventually.”
“There’s no place for someone like you in my life.” Shewhispers the words I told her so many years ago and closes her eyes. “You were protecting me.”
“I was trying to.”
A single tear slips down her face, and I see the same grief in her eyes that surges in my chest. The grief over what we could have been. The version of us I destroyed because I made a choice for both of us—one I thought was the right one—only for it to have the worst possible outcome. Maybe Connie would still be alive if things had been different.
After what feels like an eternity, Eve says, “I know we can’t change the past, and what’s done is done. But if you could, what would you change?”
I bite my lip and try to stay calm. “Do you remember how I found you in the pool house on your birthday? You were making your pool floats.”
She nods.
“I came up to you and gave you a hug and told you happy birthday.”
“You did.”
“If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have let you go. I would have held you and told you you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, that none of the other guys were good enough for you because the only ring you were ever going to wear on your finger would be mine.”
She presses her wobbling lips together and gazes at her lap. After several deep inhales, she looks back up, and the utter destruction in her eyes plunges a knife straight into my heart.
“And I wouldn’t have believed you.” Her voice is shaky.
I nod. “And I would have made it my daily mission to prove to you I meant every single word of it.”
I thought it would feel good to have the truth out. I thought it would change things between us for the better. I didn’t expect this level of torment and grief.
All I want to do is haul her into my arms and beg her for a real chance, but the fear of losing her again is paralyzing.
She gives me a teary smile. “Do you want to know what I wish I had done differently that day?”
I’m nodding before she ever finishes her sentence.
I might as well push the knife in to the hilt.
Eve pulls her lower lip into her mouth, gnawing on it.
One breath.
Two Breaths.
“I wish I would have told you none of the other guys could ever be good enough for me because they weren’t you.” Her hand goes to her necklace, toying with the charm. “You said the compass was supposed to be a reminder to keep moving forward in the direction of my goals, and I should have followed my heart and let it guide me toward you because I was utterly lost without you. And I should have told you all of this. I can’t expect you to put your heart on the line without doing the same in return.”
Her eyes search mine, her gaze unwavering, her voice steady.