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I should have protected her.

But I wasn’t there.

I didn’t protect her.

I failed her.

And now, I’m going to lose her.

Chapter 23: Scar

Her condition worsens as the night drags on. I haven’t left the waiting room. I had to get in the head nurse’s face more than once before she agreed to give me hourly updates. She doesn’t get that this isn’t just a matter of Julia’s life or death. Mine hangs in the balance, too. I can’t live without her. She broke my heart wide open and stole it. I’ll never get it back, but I don’t want it back. I want her to have it. To hold it and cherish it and protect it the way she promised she would. Maybe not in so many words, but in her actions, in how she held me through my darkest nights and kissed away my demons. No other woman could ever compare to her. She’s the other half of my heart. My soulmate. She’s my everything. She can’t die.

I wish I could resurrect the sheriff and kill him again. Murderous thoughts overcome me, but I can’t do anything with them because he’s dead. I can’t make him pay for what he did to her more than I already have. There’s no more vengeance to be had. I’ve already put that bastard in his grave. Now, I don’t have anyone to blame for her condition but myself. I wasn’t there, so I’m carrying just as much blame. Sure, I wasn’t the one throwing punches into her delicate body, but I wasn’t there to stop him either.

Below my seething anger, love thunders through my heart. I love her with everything I am. I’ve never felt like this with anyone. If I lose her, I won’t have a reason to go on living. She’s the person I’ve been waiting for my entire life. I never even knew I wanted to be with a woman like her, but I do. I want her forever. It’s the only thing I want, and I’d do anything—anything—to make it happen.

The realization stuns me into silence. All my life, I’ve lived for vengeance. Now she’s given me something else to live for. I can’t let her die because she’s what I live for now. She’s managed to get through my defenses and unlock my blackened heart. She’s seen all the wreckage in there, and she hasn’t run from me. She cares about me despite my horrific past. I never told her all the graphic details about what Blackstone did to me, but I didn’t need to. She’s smart enough to know that rehashing every violation would only rip apart my soul. Instead of that, she used her love to make me trust again. I trust her with all my heart. I should have listened when she warned me against giving in to my need for vengeance. That choice was the biggest mistake of my life. I hope I won’t regret it forever.

I stand and begin pacing again. Nina and the others left hours ago. She wanted to take Max back to her house for dinner and to get some rest. She and Reaper promised not to let him out of their sight. I know they’ll keep that promise because that’s what we do. The club will always protect kids like Max. The situation with the sheriff won’t change that. I still need to get Max into the underground railroad system, but I want Julia to have a chance to say goodbye first.

My eyes droop from exhaustion. My eyelids become scratchy sandpaper. I struggle to keep them open, but after the hellish day I’ve had, I’m fighting a losing battle.

When I wake up hours later, there’s a hospital blanket draped across me. The head nurse is gone, but her replacement watches me from the nurses’ station. She comes around the counter with a plastic cup of water.

“Do you need anything?” she asks.

“Any news on Julia Brant? Thank you,” I say, taking the cup. I drink the cool refreshing liquid. I didn’t realize how dehydrated I’d become after not eating or drinking anything all night. I could drink a whole gallon and still want more.

“Ms. Brant is still in a medically induced coma. She’s in the ICU under constant care. If you need to go home to get some rest, we can call you with an update.”

“I’m not leaving until she’s awake.” I toss the cup into a nearby trashcan.

“The cafeteria’s open if you’d like to get something to eat. I could also bring you a patient meal, but it’s not going to taste as good.” She gives me a sweet smile.

“Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.”

I run my palms over my face and try to brush away any lingering exhaustion. The muscles in my neck ache from being stuck in an awkward position all night. I stretch to one side, then the other, until a crack relieves some of the tension. I stand and lace my fingers together and reach high above my head. My shirt lifts slightly, revealing my scarred belly. A woman across the room stares until I glare at her. She quickly looks away. I hate the pity in her eyes. Julia never looks at me like that.

The cafeteria is surprisingly good. They don’t have any Sugar Bear cereal, so I grab bacon, eggs, sausage, toast, and hash browns. I add a coffee and a huge container of orange juice to the pile.

After checking out, I consider staying in the dining area to eat, but I don’t want to be away from Julia longer than necessary. When I get back to the ICU waiting room, several families have arrived. One couple stands at the nurses’ station.

“We’re here about our daughter,” the man says.

“Julia Brant,” the woman says.

My head snaps up. They have to be her parents. Her mom looks exactly like her, and she has her father’s nose. It’s uncanny how much she resembles them.

The nurse glances my way, but I shake my head, hoping she’ll realize I don’t want to talk to them. How could I possibly speak to them after all the trouble I caused their daughter? After what I did, do I even have the right to be here? I failed her. Maybe she’s better off without me.

I toss the food in the trash and slip outside. My stomach churns with regret. If only I could turn back time and make things right.

My bike is sitting in the first row of the parking lot. The guys must have dropped it off during the night. I get on and head toward Nina’s. As much as I want to stay here to get an update on Julia’s condition, I can’t. I need to make sure Max is okay.

When I arrive at Nina’s, she’s standing on the porch with Agent Taft, the FBI agent in charge of the kidnapping-murder investigation. He fixes me with a stare as I join them.

“I was just telling Nina that we’re ready to close the murder case. We found plenty of evidence against the sheriff once we were able to hack into his computers. For a member of law enforcement, he was sloppy as hell with his digital footprint. His browser history was a play by play of how to get away with murder. It sure as hell didn’t help him,” he says.