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After rummaging through the mess, I start collecting yellow Legos first. They remind me of the sunshine I never got to see when I was locked in Blackstone’s basement dungeon. Almost every time he took me upstairs to use me, it was dark outside. After years of abuse, I wondered if sunlight could protect me. I wondered if that was why he didn’t bring us upstairs during the day. But that idiotic notion dissolved a week later when, on a hot summer day, Blackstone chained all the boys to fenceposts in the garden. He held a party for his most depraved friends, and they ruined us while the blazing sun burned our pale bodies. I couldn’t sit for a week after that twisted celebration. I never did find out why Blackstone threw that party, other than to use us. I guess it doesn’t really matter. He would have used any excuse to hurt us.

Green is the next color to capture my attention. Green represented all the grass we never got to play in. I’d always wondered what lived in the tall grass around the mansion. Some of the boys worried about snakes, but we never got to run through it the way normal kids could. The only serpents in our midst were Blackstone and his accomplices. That was enough for me.

I throw a handful of green blocks into their container with violent force and ignore Nina and Nitro’s worried glances.

“Scar, maybe you should clean up later when Max is eating dinner,” Nina suggests softly.

“It’s a disaster in here. I’m doing it now.”

“It can wait.” A new firmness enters her tone, so I look up. Max is watching me with those same haunted eyes I saw during my time at Blackstone’s. He looks just like the other boys, but that doesn’t make me stop. If anything, the compulsion is stronger than ever.

“Let’s take a walk, pres,” Nitro says.

“Take Max. He needs a break from building stuff.” I give Nitro a look he can’t argue with, and he glances at Nina for help.

“Max can’t go outside until after dark. We can’t risk his safety,” she says.

“Fine. Whatever.” I go back to collecting Legos and ignore their frustrated stares. I hope they leave me alone because I don’t want to lose my shit in front of Max. Nitro and Nina should know better than to stop me when I get like this. I know they’re just trying to protect the kid but leaving me alone is the best way to do that right now.

“Is Julia okay?” Nina asks.

“How the hell should I know?” I snap.

Fuck! I throw more Legos into their containers. Maybe I should have stayed in my room and just endured the flashbacks.

“I’ll go check on her,” Nina says before disappearing down the hall.

“Don’t you have anything else to do?” I ask Nitro.

“Bro, I’m not leaving you alone with the kid.”

“Why the hell not?” I rock back on my heels and clench my fists. “Just what the fuck are you implying?”

“Nothing like what you’re thinking,” Nitro says with disgust. “You need to get control of yourself before you do or say something you can’t undo.”

“I’m fine. If you would just leave me alone, I’ll be fine. I need to clean up this mess. If it weren’t such a fucking disaster in here, I wouldn’t have to do it.”

“I’m sorry,” Max mumbles.

“See, I told you this would happen,” Nitro says to me.

“Max, I didn’t … This doesn’t have anything to do with you,” I tell him. His bottom lip trembles, and my self-hatred grows. Nitro’s right. I need to get the hell out of here, but I can’t do it. I can’t leave the Lego mess alone.

“Can I have a snack?” Max asks Nitro.

“Sure, bud.” Nitro glares at me before taking Max into the snack pantry.

I ignore everyone. Julia’s fine because Nina’s with her. They can talk about girl shit or whatever. Max is fine because Nitro’s giving him all the options we never had at Blackstone’s. If we got more than a few pieces of stale bread with our daily ration of water, we were doing good. This kid doesn’t know how lucky he is right now.

I never understood why Blackstone starved us when he had plenty of money. The bacchanal buffets at his parties were unlike anything I’d ever seen before or since. He could have given us caviar and Champagne every night. Instead, he gave us scraps to fight over. Sometimes I would wonder if he had surveillance we couldn’t see in that dungeon. I wonder if he watched us argue and battle over every morsel. I doubt it, but I wouldn’t have put it past him. But if there were cameras, they would have overheard our plans to escape. I guess there could have been cameras but no microphones.

Determined to forget the past, I grab three purple blocks. They’re brighter than the color of the bruises we all had, but not by much. Over time, even the brightest purple bruises would fade to a sickly yellow. Sometimes it took weeks before they morphed into that color. Sometimes it only took a few days. It depended entirely on who delivered the blows. Women didn’t hit nearly as hard as men, so they couldn’t do as much damage. But in some ways, they were far worse because they’d make you feel things. Good things. They’d make our bodies betray us. In a way, I hated them the most.

I scoop every one of the bricks in that hated color and dump them into a bin before turning my attention to the red ones. Red was the color of blood and pain and suffering. The first time he violated me, I bled all night. I thought I would die. Later, I hated myself for not dying that night. Some of the others didn’t survive their first nights. I did. And I hated myself for being strong enough to endure the torture, yet not strong enough to escape.

My breath comes in short gasps. I can’t do this. Every color is a new nightmare. I can’t deal with blue or orange or pink Legos. But the white, those are the worst. Even dirtied by the fingers of dozens of rescued kids, these blocks embody the essence of purity. That’s something I’ll never have. And it’s exactly the thing Julia needs in a man. She needs someone who hasn’t had their heart blackened by hate. She deserves someone filled with love, the kind of love that flows so fully that the man in possession of all that love can give it freely. I’m not that kind of man. I never will be. I’m permanently ruined. I’ll never be good enough for her.

I’m on my knees when all this hits me at once. I try to hold back a cry of rage, but it’s impossible. I can’t be around anyone right now. When I get this way, I’m far too destructive. I need to ride. It’s the only thing that’ll help.