Page 72

“Scar,” I whisper.

“Hum?”

“Have you ever thought about having kids?” I ask.

“Of my own?” He tilts his head to look at me.

“Yeah. Not the ones you rescue. Your own. Your own family.”

“Sometimes,” he admits.

I stay silent because I know it’s the best way to get him to open up to me.

“I really loved my mom,” he finally says. “She was so good to me. Even drugged up, she always did the best she could. If she hadn’t been an addict, life would have been so different. I’ve thought about it. About kids and a wife. But I always thought I was too damaged.”

“Do you still feel that way?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t think you are. I think you’re a good, kind, caring man.”

“Hum.” He drops his gaze and rubs his head across my belly.

I sigh. I don’t know how much more I need to do to convince him he’s perfect how he is, but I know not to push him. If I do, he’ll pull away and shut down. I’ll drop it for now. It’s enough that he’s at least willing to consider having a family. I think he’d be an excellent father, but I know he’s still grappling with demons. I can try to understand what he’s going through, but since I didn’t endure what he did, I’ll never really know how to heal him. He’s going to have to do that for himself—and he will. It’s just going to take time. I must hold onto my faith in him because the alternative is unthinkable. I can’t imagine losing the man I love.

However, a small part of me can’t help but wonder if he’s been telling me the truth all along. Maybe his heart really is too broken. Maybe he can’t love me because his heartistoo full of hatred for Blackstone. I hope to God that’s not true, but what if it is? What if loving him will only end up hurting me?

Chapter 20: Scar

Julia’s talk about having a family tore me apart last night. She doesn’t understand why I can’t deal with it right now. My life’s on hold until Blackstone’s dead. Nothing matters to me but vengeance. And I still need to deal with the sheriff. He needs to pay for what he did to Max. She’s right about one thing, though, and it’s absolutely terrifying to admit it, but I love her. I do. And I wish I could see a path forward for us, but every time I think about it, I see Blackstone’s face. I see him leering at me in the dark. I feel his hands on me. I smell his sweat. He’s a demon I haven’t banished from this earth, and he’ll continue to haunt me until he’s dead.

As long as Blackstone is alive, I can’t love her. I can’t love anyone. I can’t get past all the hatred in my heart long enough to allow myself to feel anything else. She doesn’t truly understand why my need for revenge is keeping us apart. She might think she gets it, but she doesn’t. She wasn’t the one who spent eleven years in hell. She didn’t watch her friends die. She was never forced to leave anyone behind.

I lied to her. The other night when I told her about escaping Blackstone’s, I held something back. I kept it from her because if she knew everything, she’d hate me. I didn’t tell her about the kids we left to die. The rats. We couldn’t tell them about our plan because they would have snitched. Blackstone would have discovered our plot, and then we all would have died. Making that terrible choice saved our lives, and if I had to do it again, I’d make the same decision. But if she knew I left those kids behind to be murdered, how could she still love me?

I roll away from her. She’s sleeping by my side, oblivious to the war inside me. She’s taken over as much of my heart as she can, and I hope it’s enough for now because it’s all I can give her. It’s only a little piece of who I am, and she deserves more. I wish I could trust her with my entire heart, but I can’t. The darkness inside me keeps me from trusting anyone other than my brothers. If I let her in … if I told her everything … I don’t know how she’d ever be able to forgive me.

My phone pings in the darkness. It’s a message from Matrix, who’s been at the clubhouse monitoring Blackstone’s place as well as the police scanners. When I see his text, I bolt upright. I glance at Julia, then try to get out of bed without waking her, but she stirs and opens her eyes.

“Where are you going?” she asks in a sleepy tone.

“Matrix texted. He saw a breaking news story. The sheriff is wanted by the FBI for murdering his ex-wife. There’s a manhunt in progress. The FBI and several local agencies are looking for him.” I pull on my jeans and a black t-shirt. I grab my cut and head for the door.

“Wait! You’re leaving?” She frowns.

“Of course. I need to get in on this. After everything he did to Max, he needs to be brought to justice.”

“But the FBI can do that. Why do you have to get involved? It’s not safe.”

“My whole life isn’t safe. As long as men like him are out there, no one’s safe. Max won’t be safe until the sheriff’s either in jail or dead.”

“You want to kill him,” she says flatly.

“If that’s what it takes to stop him, then yes.”

“That’s vigilante justice.” The condemnation in her voice pisses me off.

“Julia, this is exactly why we can’t be together. You don’t get it. I need vengeance. It’s a living, breathing monster in my soul. I can’t get to Blackstone. Not yet. But I can get to the sheriff. Maybe it’s not the same, but it’s close enough. You will never understand why I can’t sit around while men like him get away with things worse than murder.”