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“Yes, it's a nasty one. Are you pregnant? I have to ask before I can prescribe anything.”
Pregnant? Hell no! That would be a complete disaster. I do a quick calculation in my head before I answer her.
Let’s see now. It’s been…hang on…when did I have my last period? My cycle is one of those that has a mind of its own. It’s been that way since I was a teen. I’d get my menses at the worst times—usually when I wasn’t anywhere near prepared—and then, just like that, it would stay away for a while.
My doctor told me that stress from my parents’ deaths was most likely to blame. Recently, after David’s death, it’s been acting up again.
“Uhm, I don’t think so. I doubt it.”
“You need to check. Just to be sure. Here, I’ll throw in a pregnancy test into the bag. Just in case. Do the test first before you take these,” she says, holding up a bottle filled with tablets.
“Okay. Thanks.”
I’m not worried. My periods are so erratic that an accidental pregnancy isn’t something I’ve ever worried about. This is a tummy bug. Plain and simple.
I decide to take the test as soon as I get some so that I can start with the tummy bug meds. The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I’ll feel better.
I pee on the stick and place it on the side of the basin while I wash my hands. My cell phone buzzes. It must be a message from Lucas. He promised he’d keep in touch, so I wouldn’t worry.
Hey, my beauty. How was lunch with Sandy? I’ve been stuck in meetings all day. Would rather be there with you. By the way, I’m playing with my tie. Keeps me thinking about you. Haha.
XXX
How adorable.
Hey, you. Lunch was good, thanks. Sandy sends her love. Silk tie. My mind goes wild with possibilities. Wish you were here, too.
XXX
I’ve all but forgotten the test by the time I make my way back to the bathroom. Are those rings under my eyes, I wonder while I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Man, this bug has me by the short and curlies.
Where did I put the paper bag with the meds? I look around. There it is. Next to the pregnancy test. I’ll just…
What the…
No! No, no, no…
This is impossible. No, ridiculous is the right word. It’s a dream. It must be. I have to wake up. I pinch myself and yelp at the pain.
There are two lines in the windows on the pregnancy test. I’ve never seen that before. This is a disaster. It can’t be. I’m even more nauseous now, probably from the shock.
F.U.C.K!
What the hell am I going to tell Lucas? I can’t have a baby now? This is insane. Shit!
* * *
It’s been two days since I discovered that I’m pregnant and my mind has been racing ever since. I don’t have the strength to tell Lucas that I’m carrying our child, so I’ve been avoiding his calls, pretending to be busy.
I know it won’t be long before he cottons onto the fact that I’m ghosting him. Damn it, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child born into Lucas’ world! What kind of a future will it have, surrounded by gangsters and guns? This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with the man who was the cause of my brother’s death!
What am I supposed to do now? I know if I tell Lucas he’ll want to do the honorable thing and get married. I don't know if I’m ready for that. How will he even feel about it? Does he want children? We haven’t gotten to that part of our relationship yet. For all I know Lucas could be vehemently opposed to having kids.
The last thing I want to do is force my lover into some sort of union born out of guilt. I need to think this through for everyone’s sake before I make a terrible mistake.
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