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Just like he’s about to do now—
“Wait.” With a shaking breath, I step back. “Wait.”
“Do you love him?”
There’s a raw, vulnerable look in Bo’s eyes, and it makes my heart stutter with alarm. I stopped Bo from kissing me because I need to tell him about Timothy, but what do I tell him? And can I honestly say I don’t love him?
I loved the idea of Timothy in Victoria—the thought of having a good man, handsome and funny, in my life. It’s not that I need someone to take care of me, but I won’t deny the thought of having a man around, a parent to share the workload, was tempting.
But does that mean I’m in love with him? Like I used to be in love with Bo? Like I’m—
I don’t know how to describe how I feel about Bo.
And I didn’t take the time to figure that out before I got on that plane with Tema and Abigail. I flew home without giving much thought to whether there are strong enough feelings for Bo to give it a try.
To fight for him. “I—”
“Because if you do,” Bo says without giving me a chance to sort my thoughts. “If you love him more than you love me, I’ll let you go. I’ll give you the divorce, but I want to be in Tema’s life. On your terms, whatever works for you. It’s the least I can do for you. I never fought for you.”
“No…”
“But I didn’t fight for myself either. I let myself drift. But now…” He rubs his big hands down my arms, sending shivers racing through me. “If I had known… if I had thought it through—if I had talked to Lyra sooner and known my mom wasn’t angry with me, then—” Bo gazes down at me with regret.
There’s a wetness in his eyes, but as soon as I catch my breath, he turns away, swiping a hand across his cheek.
“We wasted so much time,” he says, stalking across the room, his hand fisted on the back of his head. “And it’s all my fault. If only—”
“You can’t think like that,” I stop him. “You don’t know what would have happened if I had stayed. We were so young, Bo. Maybe we should have waited.” He turns with an incredulous expression and I move to him again, like he’s a magnet and I’m a helpless piece of metal. I rest a hand on his chest, feeling the comforting beat ofhis heart. “Maybe we needed to grow up first. It was so intense with you. We might have burnt out.”
Bo shakes his head. “No.”
“You don’t know that. We can’t go back and relive the past. We just take what we learned and what we’ve become and move on.”
“And do you really want to move on without me?”
I raise a hand, tracing his strong jaw, hidden by his beard. I only have a vague memory of Bo without a beard, with hair curling around his ears in need of a haircut.
But the memory of how he looks at me—how he’s always looked at me—has stayed firm in my mind. Maybe I didn’t figure out my feelings for him before I came back because I didn’t need to. I knew all along what would happen when I came back and saw him. Spent time with him.
“Bo,” I begin but a knock on the door interrupts.
34
Bo
Go away.
It’s not possible to say go away when you’re part of a royal family. But it’s really tempting because Hettie was about to say—
I have no idea what she was about to tell me. And when she went to open the door, Abigail and Spencer were there with twin expressions on their faces.
I haven’t seen that expression in years.
When were younger, it was always Abigail who would come up with plans—to go to a party, to skinny-dip in her neighbour’s pond, to do the polar plunge on New Year’s Day. She would come up with the idea and Spencer would agree and the two of them would gang up to get me and Hettie to agree.
Still, in all the years I’ve known Spencer, I’ve never been so annoyed to see him. Even when they burst out with some idea of us going into town tonight.
“No.” It’s always been my go-to response to the option of a social evening.