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“Don’t fucking play with me, Sincere,” I gritted.
“Talk to her!” he whispered harshly.
Blowing out a frustrated breath, my nostrils flared. “Yeah aight.”
“Mama have Law text me your order and I’ll grab it.”
“Are you sure? Law, is that okay?”
She was probably feeling uncomfortable just like I was. We hadn’t been in the same room alone in a minute. The longer she sat there staring at me waiting for me to answer, the more awkward this shit was starting to get. I didn’t know what the hell to say and was happy when Preme decided to intervene.
“He good, Mama.”
“Okay,” she relented as Preme kissed her on the forehead and promised not to be gone long.
The room grew cold the second he walked out of the door. I was sitting there staring at the wall trying not to look at her. It’s easy as hell to despise somebody when you don’t have to see them. Sitting in the same room with her in this instance was making me feel shit I hadn’t felt in years.
“Sincere said you been trying to reach out,” I drawled, putting an end to the deadening silence.
“I um...” she cleared her throat. “Yes, I have. This battle between us has gone on long enough. I thought we could?—”
“Thought we could do what?” I spat, cutting her off. “Make amends, clear the air, be this one big happy family.”
“Talk Lawton. I thought we could talk.”
“About what? How I lived in the same house as you and felt abandoned? How I have attachment issues because I never received love from my mother?”
“I don’t want to rehash the past, Lawton. I want us to move on and try to have some sort of a relationship. I’m getting older, I want to be able to have a relationship with you so I can possibly have one with my future grandkids. God knows Sincere won’t have any before I leave this Earth.”
“It’s just like you to want to skip past the bullshit that happened. We can’t erase history, Valerie, no matter how dressed up the future is.”
“I know that Lawton. What do you want from me? An apology? I’m sorry Lawton that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry that I didn’t play a bigger role in your life. I’m sorry that I allowed my issues with your father to cost me a relationship with you.”
“You’re sorry, huh?” I scoffed. “How about apologizing for giving Sincere everything that you were supposed to give to me!” I roared. “Do you know heartbreaking it was to watch you love and dote on a child that didn’t come out of you. He got all of the good parts of you while I got the dirty scraps. You never loved me. You never showed an interest in anything concerning me. You hated Pops and in return passed that same hate down to me. I’m not him.” I beat my chest. “I’m nothing like him but you made me pay for his sins.”
“I didn’t know how to separate the two,” she cried. “You’re so much like him Lawton. From the way you walk down to the way you talk. Everything you are, you’re his carbon copy.”
“That didn’t have shit to do with me.”
“I know it didn’t and I’ve prayed to God and asked for his forgiveness. I know what I did was wrong. I can accept and admit that. I can’t however go back and change it. All I can do is work better at receiving your forgiveness.”
“I wanted acceptance from you. Wanted you to give me that unconditional love that I watched you give to his outside child. The day you brought Sincere home, I saw the way your eyes lit up. You never looked at me like that. And I’m not jealous of my brother, never have been because he lost his mother when he was a child.
Now that I think about it, I lost mine too. When you tried to come around, the damage was too much at that point. I looked for you in her. I attached myself to her because she reminded me so much of you. Was it wrong? Hell, yeah it was. But it feltgood, so I did it. And overtime I got comfortable because I had someone that was willing to give me an ounce of love.”
“In whom? Who are you talking about, Lawton?”
Squaring my shoulders, I admitted, “Adele.”
“Lawton…” she mumbled. “What did Adele do?”
“Use me for her own selfish good. Fucked my head up even worse than what you had.”
“Lawton,” she growled lowly. “What are you trying to say?”
“The first time we slept together was the night I graduated high school. Sure, she’d made comments prior to that but never pushed the issue until that night. For years I entertained a relationship with her, hell, we were together while her and Salvador were still married. All of those out-of-town trips were to D.C. to spend time with me.
Adele had my mind so gone I had somehow convinced myself that once her divorce was finalized, she and I would be together. Sheusedme and when I was no longer beneficial, she ended our arrangement. Those grandkids you speak of coming from me, they’ll never happen. The woman I thought would bear my kids broke my heart and I haven’t seemed to be able to put the pieces back together.”