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He seemed to be rehearsing his response inside his head before he actually delivered it. She saw the micro expressions on his face: irritation, frustration, impatience…and something else that looked faintly like acute disappointment. But again, surely, she was wrong about that.
‘You’re infatuated with me. Believe me, it will pass once you get to know me better.’
His coldly delivered statement was like a sledgehammer through the thin ice of her hope. Did he feel anything for her? Anything at all? ‘I don’t think you will allow anyone to get to know you, not really know you, especially with a time limit on our relationship. You can’t offer your full self if you don’t offer the potential of a future. I know you think I’m just crushing on you like the first three times I met you, but I know now what love is.’ She placed one of her hands on her heart. ‘I feel it here. I feel it with every beat of my heart.’
Vic reached for her hand and brought it to his own chest, placing it against the solid thump, thump, thump of his heart. His expression was less severe now, with a touch of sadness in his eyes. ‘I never wanted you to get hurt, not by me, not like this. I can’t offer you what you want.’ He swallowed again and continued, ‘I’m sorry,cara, but I don’t feel the same way.’ He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and added, ‘Don’t be insulted or hurt by that, please. It’s just the way I am.’
Addie wondered if that was strictly true. He had loved and loved deeply as a child, but losing his father had torn his tender heart in two and now he was unable to allow himself to be vulnerable in any relationship, even that with his family members. But she had seen glimpses of his potential to be more than he allowed himself to be—the way he took care of Katerina, for instance, the tenderness in his smile, the laughter in his eyes when she did something cute or mischievous. Addie had even seen it in his treatment of her, the way he kissed her, touched her, looked at her, held her. But while Addie was patient, she did not want to take the chance and end up even more heartbroken when their involvement ended as it would certainly do unless Vic opened his heart to her. Or at least admitted there was the potential for his feelings to develop, rather than say he would never love anyone, including her.
‘I don’t believe that is just the way you are,’ Addie said, taking her hand back. ‘It’s the way you are now, yes, but not who you are at your core. You’re afraid to love in case you lose it. Like I’ve been afraid my whole life to be me, to stand up for myself and claim my space in the world. But I have you to thank for helping me come out of my shell. I think you made me see myself differently and I thank you for that and I hope we can always be friends, or at least be civil towards each other for the sake of Marcus and Isabella and Katerina.’
Vic gently flicked her cheek with a careless finger, his eyes softening. ‘I want to be angry with you, but I find I can’t.’ He gave a lopsided smile and added, ‘This is a new experience for me.’ He looked at her mouth for a long moment. ‘Unique, in fact.’
‘What do you mean?’
His eyes came back to hers, a rueful expression on his face. ‘I’m usually the one who ends a fling. I’m always the first to let go.’
‘I guess that’s a control thing, right? You’ve been traumatised by loss so young that you won’t allow yourself to be again. It’s completely understandable, but I’m not sure it’s going to be good for you in the long term. I thought hiding away was good for me, or better than being out on show in case I was compared to my mother and found wanting. But that’s another thing I have to thank you for. You said once that my mother’s criticisms of me said more about her own insecurities than they did about me. I think I need to talk to her about that one day.’
His smile was still rueful; but his eyes lacked lustre; they were flat like deep empty pools. ‘This is the most unusual breakup I have ever experienced.’ He took her hand again and brought it up to his lips, kissing each of her bent knuckles, his eyes meshed with hers. ‘Thank you for helping me with Katerina. I’m not sure I would’ve coped so well without you.’
‘Nor me without you.’ Addie smiled even though it hurt. Every part of her body hurt as if she had been battered. She loved him and yet he felt nothing for her other than physical desire, which would pass in time, no doubt. She couldn’t imagine him longing for her touch the way she knew she would be longing for his for the rest of her life. He was perfect for her and she for him. She knew it on a cellular level. Why couldn’t he see it?Feelit? Or was she just being a misguided romantic fool? Her lack of experience making her perceive things incorrectly.
Vic was the one to let go of her hand, but he frowned as he did it and then seemed to gather himself, turning to face the direction of travel. It was like a wall had come up between them, an invisible wall that she could not penetrate from her side.
Their arrival at the airport was brisk and efficient, but at the last-minute Addie came to another decision. ‘Vic?’
He glanced at her as he slung his laptop bag over one of his broad shoulders.‘Sì?’
Addie steeled her resolve, wishing she could have spent more time with him on the journey home, but knowing it would only prolong her heartache. She had to make a clean break and take time to heal, if that was even possible. ‘I want to travel back to London on a commercial flight, alone.’
A savage frown divided his forehead. ‘That’s ridiculous. I have a private jet. Why would you want to go on a commercial flight?’
Addie held his annoyed gaze with an effort. ‘I need to do this, Vic. You can’t force me to travel back with you. Besides, I don’t want any more attention drawn to us being seen together. We’ve been incredibly lucky so far—let’s not push it.’
His mouth flattened into a thin line. ‘Fine. Do what you want. Clearly, I can’t kidnap you, although I’m seriously tempted to.’
Addie crooked an eyebrow at him. A part of her wishing he would do exactly that—kidnap her and take her away to some place where they could be alone together. But how realistic was that? There was always going to be interest in who Vic Jacobetti was dating and her stomach churned at the thought of how soon it would be before she would have to see him with some glamourous starlet on his arm. She would have to be strong, stronger than she had ever imagined she would have to be, but she would do it.
She put out her hand to him. ‘Goodbye, Vic. Thank you for a lovely time.’
He stared at her hand as if he was going to refuse to take it, but then he released a ragged sigh and grasped her hand in his. ‘Take care of yourself,tesore mio.’
His voice had a gravelly edge that made her spine tingle, but she forced herself to pull her hand out of his and turn and walk away.
Vic stared at Addie as she walked to the service desk of a popular budget airline. He was so unfamiliar with the emotions running through him like shards of glass, ripping at his insides, tearing his flesh into ribbons of pain. He couldn’t explain why he was feeling so surprised by her decision to end their fling. He had assumed she would want to continue it for a few weeks at least, not end it as soon as Marcus and Isabella returned to relieve them of their child-minding duties. He turned away, unable to watch her without the threat of acting on the pressing impulse to go after her, to beg her to change her mind.
Beg? Are you crazy?he mentally scolded himself.
He never begged. He never pleaded. He never changed his mind, so why would he expect her to? He was gobsmacked that the thought of begging her to change her mind had even entered his thoughts. And he was even more shocked at how much he had looked forward to continuing their relationship, which was why he was taken aback by her ending it. It was something he was totally unfamiliar with—the loss of control was anathema to him. He was convinced she was infatuated with him. She’d had no experience before sleeping with him. He was no egomaniac, but he knew his way around a woman’s body and he knew when a partner was satisfied or not. It was sexual pleasure that had made her think she had fallen in love with him. He frowned and continued on his way to his check-in point. He didn’t want to think too deeply about his own sexual pleasure with Addie. It stirred emotions in him he didn’t want to examine. He pushed them down, down, down, to a place so deep inside him he could pretend it didn’t even exist.
But all the way back to London, sitting alone in his private jet, all he could think about was Addie. Her touch, her taste, the satin of her skin against his. The way she smiled and the sparkle in her eyes that lit up the darkest room. He rubbed a hand down his face, angry at himself for ruminating over how things had panned out. A restless energy kept him awake, made him edgy and irritable. He clenched his hand into a fist and told himself to get a grip. To get control of his disappointment. But the feeling of emptiness inside him seem to widen with each interminable minute that passed.
Vic closed his eyes and leaned back against the headrest of his seat but all he could see in his mind was Addie walking away from him, reminding him of something he hated being reminded of—his loneliness. How could he have allowed anyone, much less Addie, the power to stir those painful feelings in him? Any feelings? But loneliness was one he hated the most.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Addie slipped backinto her normal routine as if those wonderful days with Vic Jacobetti hadn’t happened. Sometimes she caught herself wondering if she had dreamt it all—it was so far removed from her mundane pattern of going to work and coming home alone. She threw herself into her knitting, mindlessly watching series after series on television with her knitting needles softly clacking, her heart aching for the sound of Vic’s voice.