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His heart curled over on itself as she angled her chin up in a gesture of defiance, belied by the misery on her face. Her gallantry, her fighting spirit as she tried to hide hurt, made everything he felt for her well up.
‘You expect me to believe that, when you hid somethingsovital from me? I was idiot enough to believe we trusted each other but I was wrong.’
He stroked his hands up her arms. ‘I didn’t tell you about the email because I wanted to protect you. I double-checked and that clause doesn’t delegitimise your position as joint ruler.’
‘But it means I could never have ruled alone. I was never a danger to your authority. The whole basis of this farcical marriage no longer exists.’
Benedikt winced. She couldn’t really think their marriage farcical. His heart thudded faster. ‘I don’t care about that, Lena.’
‘You say that, yet you’ve done everything you could to encourage me back to scientific work.’
‘Because I thought that made you happy!’ He paused when he heard his voice grow strident. He leaned closer. ‘I want you happy in this marriage. I want you to feel fulfilled. I know how much botany means to you. I was afraid you’d grow to resent a life spent focused only on regal obligations.’
Her eyes widened, doubt glimmering.
‘It doesn’t matter now what some fusty old document says. We’re married and I want us to stay that way.’ He dragged in a deep breath, chest rising against hers as he struggled to find words for what he felt. ‘What we’ve shared has changed everything. It’s changedme.’
‘You don’t want to rule alone?’
Her hands had crept to his upper arms. Was that a good sign or did she just need support?
‘No, I don’t, but this isn’t about the crown—’
‘It’s all about the crown. It always has been.’
‘Not any more.’ Benedikt gathered her closer, fitting her snug against him. ‘This is aboutus. I said I’d changed and I meant it. What I feel for you, Lena, it’s taken over everything. It’s bigger than duty or Prinzenberg. Nothing is more important to me than your happiness.’ To his amazement his voice wobbled. ‘You make me feel things I’ve never felt before. You give me perspective and happiness. For the first time I feel like my life,ourlife, could be about joy and fulfilment, not just obligation and work. I want to make you happy.’
Gentle hands cupped his face, wondering eyes holding his. ‘Why didn’t you say anything if you felt that way?’
‘You doubt me?’ His shoulders lifted. ‘I shouldn’t be surprised. I doubted myself. I told you about my upbringing. I’ve always had trouble trusting, much less forming meaningful relationships. I told you love wasn’t on the agenda.’
‘Love!’
‘Yes, love.’ He drew a sustaining breath but found he didn’t need it. The truth wasn’t such a challenge after all. ‘I love you, Lena. I want to spend my life with you and that’s got nothing to do with the crown. I should have told you about the email but I was afraid you’d fret about being here under false pretences or…’
‘Or what?’ He couldn’t read her expression.
‘Use it as an excuse to leave me.’
He hadn’t admitted that even to himself before this moment. It made him realise that once again he’d manipulated things to get what he wanted, hiding what Lena deserved to know. He’d talked about trusting her but he’d still tried to take control for his own selfish ends. Horrified, he dropped his arms and stepped back.
But Lena followed, closing the gap so they were toe to toe. ‘That’swhat you thought?’
He swallowed. ‘I didn’t know.’ Had he blown his chance of happiness, proving himself unable to relinquish control and trust her? The thought sickened him. ‘I thought you were happy, I hoped so. That means everything to me.’ He shook his head. ‘But you’re right. I owed you the truth. I convinced myself that document didn’t matter because it didn’t affect what we have now. It was a convenient lie because I wasn’t sure you felt the same way about me.’
‘Hiding an explosive secret like that,’ she murmured. ‘That’s extreme. I would have found out some time.’
‘I wasn’t thinking clearly.’
‘I know the feeling.’ To his amazement she placed her palm on his chest. He felt it like a brand, the way she’d branded his heart as hers. ‘I know the feeling exactly.’ Her voice dropped. ‘That’s why I was so upset, because I’m in love with you, Benno, and I thought you wanted to get rid of me. I decided to pre-empt you and go straight away.’
His heart gave a mighty jolt as she called him Benno. As if he really was forgiven. He covered her hand with both of his. ‘You love me?’ The sick feeling in the pit of his belly disappeared, replaced by warmth. ‘How can you after what I did? I should have been honest with you.’
‘You’re not the only one. We should have talked more about our feelings, but I was too scared.’ A soft smile trembled on her lips. ‘Do you really—?’
‘I really love you.’ Just saying the words made him feel ten feet tall. ‘I never believed I could feel anything as glorious as this. I was an idiot and I was scared. I could say I thought it was too soon to tell you how I felt but it was fear that held me back.’
She nodded and lifted his hands to her mouth, pressing kisses across his knuckles, making his heart melt as his fingers curled around hers. ‘I was the same. I never expected to feel this way.’