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Prologue
10/15
Dear Ivan,
I hope you don’t mind me writing to you. I got your email from Katya. I feel stupid for even writing this. It’s just that since that whole thing with Nikolai’s father, I’ve been so anxious, I can’t focus on anything, not even my music. I play the harp—did I tell you that? Well, I do. I love it, it’s such a beautiful and magical instrument. Normally, playing is such a peaceful refuge, but now I can’t even focus on that. I’m jumpy and paranoid. I’m scared all the time and as stupid as I feel about it, I can’t stop. Anyway, you made me feel so much better before. You made me feel safe. I couldn’t help trying to reach out and see if talking to you helped.
Sincerely,
Emmy
11/28
Sorry you are having a hard time. Please take care of yourself—be careful, be safe.
11/29
Dear Ivan,
Thank you for writing back! I wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t. It calms me down to read your words. I finally played my harp again! I always practice in front of my bedroom window in order to see the sun and trees while I play but had gotten too anxious and exposed to play there. Today, I was actually able to sit down and play the harp for three hours. My fingers killed me afterward, but it felt good to feel still enough to play.
I’m getting better—not so jumpy, but it’s like every guy I see looks suspicious, though I know it’s not true. My family stares at me like I’m a ticking time bomb, but I guess I understand considering everything. How is Russia? I can’t imagine you can tell me much about what you’re doing, but I’d be happy to hear anything you want to share. Thanks again for writing back, it means a lot.
Happy Belated Thanksgiving!
Sincerely,
Emmy
12/10
Dear Ivan,
Did you tell Nikolai about the guys I thought were suspicious?? He’s been all over me lately, asking if I’d noticed anyone strange, if I’d been followed, that kind of thing. Did you say something?? He’s driving me crazy!
Sincerely,
Emmy
1/29
Good. I’m glad Nikolai is being cautious. Yuri is still out there. Fucking unbelievable. If you see anyone strange, you tell Nikolai immediately, do you understand? Russia is freezing.
1/30
Dear Ivan,
Thanks again for writing back. How were your holidays? Mine were fine, pretty boring. Chicago is cold, too.I suppose I’ve come across a couple of weird guys—it sometimes happens with people who like our musical concerts. They try to meet you after the concert. Usually men. It’s especially strange when it’s the father or brother of someone at my school. That’s why it’s hard to tell if someone is normal strange or strange strange, you know what I mean? I hope your job is going okay. Are you coming back to Chicago any time soon?
Sincerely,
Emmy
3/1
Does Nikolai know about these fuckers who wait outside your concerts? Katya’s graduation.
3/3