Page 66

Story: Indulgent

After what we’ve been through, I’ll take what I can get.

“Did we really eat all that?”

I stare at the empty dishes on the table, the plates that are scraped clean. Levi and I offered to clean up after dinner while the others took showers and unpacked.

No,dinnerisn’t the right word. We had a feast. Agent McNair had arranged for a grocery delivery, apparently thinking it would last a while. Unfortunately, she didn’t anticipate the appetite of my four men after subsisting on prison food and Serendee rations.

They ate a lot.Iate a lot, more than I should. Lately, I’ve found it hard to stop, even when I know I’m full, because there’s this gnawing hunger in my belly all the time. I know in my heart thatthis is because of the limitations and restrictions we had on food in Serendee, but my brain hasn’t been able to separate that yet.

“We did,” Levi says, taking a stack of plates back to the kitchen. “I think I may have witnessed the definition of the word gluttony.”

I grab two platters and carry them over to the sink. “If I keep this up, I’m going to gain more weight.” Pressing my hand to my stomach, I feel the way it pooches out a little. I can’t decide if I like it or not.

“You look good like this,” he tells me. “Rex was always right about girls being a little meatier. More to hold onto.”

“I keep reaching for my journal—like I should be documenting every lapse.”

“It’s okay to write things down,” he says, as if he’s reminding himself as much as me. “Just don’t let it rule you.”

I nod and head back to the dining room, bringing back another pile of dirty dishes. More than once, I glance over my shoulder, looking out the dark windows, searching the room for anything I or the agents missed.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“I keep looking for cameras. I know they aren’t here, but it’s hard to shake.”

Paranoia.

It was bad before but seeing that stash of recordings made it worse. Levi turns on the faucet, letting the water run until it turns hot. I don’t miss how he keeps his hands under the water until it turns hot, turning his skin pink. He takes the first dish and rinses it off. “You were brave to show them the videos.”

“I did what I had to. She wasn’t going to let you go if I didn’t.”

“You don’t have to justify it, Imogene. You did the right thing.”

“Maybe.” It still feels wrong, exposing not only myself but my friends and neighbors. Mylovers. I scrape a pile of chicken bones into the trash. “I can’t imagine what else they’ll reveal.”

“More than I’m willing to think about,” he says quietly.

“There are so many shameful moments—some you may not even know about, like the exams in Healer Blooms clinic or how awful the branding was. How we turned on one another or how we treated one another to gain his favor. The farther away from it I get, the harder it is for me to reconcile.”

“I know,” he agrees. “I can’t help but think about the way we bowed and doted on Anex every time we were in his presence. How quickly I did everything he asked.” He glances at me. “How willing I was to hurt you for his bullshit belief system, when all he really wanted me to do was break you down.”

It’s an apology, one I’m not willing to take. “You weren’t the only one seeking Enlightenment, Levi.” I’d asked for that as much as he gave it. I wanted the pain. I still do, and that’s something we have to figure out. “Do you ever feel like…” I start, then shake my head back and forth looking for the words. “Like we’ve been underwater?”

“Underwater?” he asks, eyebrow raising.

“I just feel like I have these moments where I’m clearing out the cobwebs, or running my hand over a fogged-up mirror, trying to see everything clearly.”

“Yes,” he says. “Absolutely, especially when we first got out. I could barely function. Elon was supporting us, and I was just… trying to figure out how to get back in.” He glances at me. “Back to you.”

“But you feel better now?” I ask.

“Food, sleep, getting away from the lectures and non-stop input seems to help.”

“Sleep is good.” Full nights. No music blaring through the grounds. No late-night basketball games or random work assignments. That doesn’t mean I’m able to get a full night’s rest, but it’s better. More consistent.

He turns off the faucet and grabs a towel, drying his hands. Then he rests a hand on my hip. “You know, when he banished us, it gave me weeks to get ahead of where you are right now, maybe even more than that when you consider the other things you went through.” He keeps his eyes pinned to mine. “The conditioning and control—over your body as well as your mind… it was a lot, Imogene.”

I think about Rex at the dinner table, hungry but quiet. Elon’s need to just be with me, to take care of me, to touch me under the dinner table with every opportunity. Silas’ sleep, deep and long. “We’re all going to have to heal in different ways, aren’t we?”