Page 38

I blink twice, trying to chase sleep away, convinced it's still a dream. But when I open my eyes again to see the blood still there, a new fear envelops me.

No… No… My baby.

And I scream. I scream to the top of my lungs, fear overtaking me and making me tremble uncontrollably.

Venezia is the first to burst through my door, her eyes widening as she takes in all the blood around me.

"Call an ambulance." I don't know how I find the strength to speak. Even more so in coherent sentences. But I do. And as it dawns on me that I need to act fast, I realize I can't succumb to fear, or desperation.

I need to fight.

Maybe it's not too late. I'd read about spotting. Maybe it's just that.

Even though looking at the amount of blood,it's not that.

I keep on holding myself together, even as they load me into the ambulance, and all the way to the hospital. I just close myeyes and imagine my dark-haired baby and how happy we'll be together. I hold on to that thought, and it's the only thing standing between me and a breakdown.

And then it happens.

"I'm sorry, Miss Lastra, but you've suffered a miscarriage," the doctor says, and I can't hear anything after that.

Just like that,everything's been snatched away from me.

I can't even find it in me to cry anymore, or wail, or scream at the injustice. I can only stare at the walls that seem to share in my desolation—with their dark shadows filling up the light.

It's a while after that Marcello comes to see me, and I feel even worse for troubling him.

What if he sends me away? Again?

The thought is unbearable, so I do the only thing I can—I lie.

"We're getting married," I state as confidently as I can, trying to ignore the way my heart hurts as I lie about loving Raf, or about everything.

Like the overprotective brother he is, Marcello is contrite, trying to convince me that I don't have to marry Raf.

But he doesn't get it. He doesn't realize that I don'thaveto, but Ineedto.

Even now I feel myself succumbing deeper into myself, and I know that if I continue like this I'll only become worse.

I need someone who wants me, even if it's for all the wrong reasons. I just need somewhere to belong.

"We'll see," Marcello purses his lips, exiting the salon.

I promised Raf I'll marry him, and I will. Maybe in the process I'll find myself again too.

Lina and Venezia both visit me, shocking me with how much they've worried for me. It brings tears to my eyes to realize that there are some people who do care about me in this world.

But later, when the doctor discharges me home and I'm alone again, I can't help but reach for the small ultrasound picture I'd hidden in my drawer.

I hold it to my chest and I try to imagine again what it would have been like—the dark-haired boy I know I'll never meet.

And the tears start anew.

"Oh, God… why am I so cursed?" I ask out loud, only silence greeting me.

There's no other explanation for it. Iamcursed.

And the worst thing is that… Life throws me the bait, giving me the illusion that I may find happiness, only to wrench it away from me at the worst moment—when I'm at my happiest.