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"But she is!" I blurt out.

"Brother mine, sometimes I wonder how we're related. You're an idiot of the biggest proportions. You have to show her! Hell, she probably hates you right now for the last time. For abandoning her so ruthlessly."

"But I had to…" I say weakly, images of her poor battered body still haunting my mind.

"You didn't have to! You just ran at the first sight that things were getting slightly more complicated. You never even thought of getting help instead of throwing her away."

"I did… and look where it got me. I killed the damned psychiatrist." I look away, the flashbacks I'd recovered from that session still a sore subject. Especially as I look at my sister…

"And only because of her!" Vanya throws her hands up, exasperated. "You tried once and you gave up. Come on, Vlad. There have to be more ways," she tells me. "I don't understand how you can be so smart when it comes to everyone else, but so dumb when it comes to your own damned self," she says angrily, and I purse my lips, her words not unwarranted.

"What more can I do, V? I'm afraid to even place myself in the same ten mile radius of her, knowing that if she's even remotely close then I'll rush over to her and…" My breath hitches. "I'll hurt her again."

It's why I'm sending Seth to check up on her. I'd never be able to stop myself from going to her if I knew she was near.

"You need to do something about your episodes. That's the only way," she tells me.

I'm quiet for a moment, the mere prospect of having Sisi in my life again filling me with something akin to happiness. Not that I know what happiness is, but I expect it's something like what her presence does to me.

But before I can do that Ineedto get myself under control.

Try harder.

Damn, but I'd do anything as long as I could ensure I'm not a danger to her. I'm just out of ideas.

"Fine," I agree. "You may be right. But how do I fix it? She seemed so desolate when I told her…" Even if I do manage to get my episodes under control, I doubt she'd forgive me so easily. I don't even want to remember the words I'd spewed at her, the lies I'd purposefully told her to hurt her.

I'd wanted to drive her as far away from me as possible, and I'd succeeded.

"You go to her and you beg for forgiveness. You'll be lucky if she gives it to you." Vanya raises an eyebrow at me, and I can tell she's on Sisi's side.

As much as I'd like to argue with her, she's right.

I got scared and I threw everything away. I should have fought harder, tried harder. After all, Sisi is the one person in this world who would not have reviled me for my episode.

But in my defense, I'd never felt such fear as I did when I saw what I'd done to her. Hell, I'd never felt fear beforeat all. I'd been ready to ask her to fucking put me out of my misery. I'd been fucking terrified of doing more… of killing her. Because a world without Sisi is not a world I want to live in.

"You're right." I take a deep breath, finally ready to face my demons. "I have to. Because I think I do love her," I admit, my lips trembling as I utter the wordlove.

Vanya's deductions are perfectly logical. I wouldn't have reacted like this if I hadn'tlovedher. Hell, I pride myself on my selfishness, yet with her I'd been uncharacteristicallyunselfish. Maybe it's not the love regular people feel, but it's the nearest thing to itIcan feel. And I'll take it. Because then I might have something to offer her.

Something other than destruction.

"Finally!" Vanya rolls her eyes. "My idiotic brother, you have your work cut out for you."

"Don't I know it?" I mutter.

One thing is for sure. When one is desperate, one resorts to desperate measures.

I'd thought that reaching out to a psychiatrist had been the height of folly given my own rather resolute beliefs regarding its scientific validity.

But what I'm about to do now defies every law of logic.

I watchas the plane dips toward the make-shift landing strip, already seeing the vast expanse of forest stretching all around the horizon line.

One of my contacts from Peru, Joaquin, is waiting for me when I land, the itinerary ready for this last attempt at regaining my sanity.

"Good to see you, Vlad," he adds drily when I set my luggage in the waiting cart.