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I would have forgiven him all the pain he'd caused my body. But what I couldnotand willneverforgive is the pain he'd caused my soul.

Unwanted…

Days on end I'd had nightmares, his words ringing in my ears, his mocking insults embedding themselves so deeply in my head I couldn't rid myself of them.

It had gotten so bad I could barely sleep, knowing that if I did close my eyes I'd see him sneering down at me.

And yet, despite shattering me inside out, I still couldn't shake the love I have for him.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I'd been so sure that with time I'd be able to put it all behind me, and while I'm still working onnotloving him, the issue at hand complicates things. BecauseifI am pregnant, then I'll find myself with a pretty permanent issue.

Taking a deep breath, I head into the bathroom, following the instructions on the package and peeing on the stick. Then, I just wait.

"What are you going to do if you're pregnant?" Raf asks. He's sitting on my bed, watching me pace around like a lunatic.

"Can I not think about that for now?" My voice is low and a little trembly.

"Sisi…" he continues, and I know he means well. This isn't something to be taken lightly.

"I don't know," I admit. "I've never thought…" I've never even thought about having children. Me? A mother? What do I even know about being a mother, since I've never had one? "There has to be a solution," I say, although my voice lacks confidence.

"You could always get an abortion," Raf notes. "I could help you," he continues, but I quickly shake my head.

"No. That's out of the question," I tell him. Heshouldknow that I'd never do that, given my own history with being abandoned at Sacre Coeur. I'd never willingly doanythingto harm a child of mine.

"I know," he sighs, "I threw it on the table just in case." He gives me a sad smile.

The phone rings to signal the time is up. My hands are sweaty, my entire body shaking as I pick up the test. Closing my eyes, I say a short prayer before opening them.

Pregnant.

"So?" Raf asks, and I sniffle a sob, my eyes already moist with tears. I hand him the test, going to sit on the bed.

Head in my hands, I massage my temples, trying to alleviate this feeling of doom that's settled over me.

A child.

My God, but how can I have a child? There's also Vlad and he… well, he cannot handle a child even more so. He's too unstable to even be near one.

Not that he'd want to.

Why is it that there are times when I forget he threw me aside? That I meantnothingto him? In his own words, he'd been bored and I'd been just an experiment. Someone to pass time with.

"Sisi." Raf sits down next to me, taking me in his arms. "It's going to be okay. We can think of something," he whispers into my hair.

Sobs rack my body as I expel everything I've been holding inside of me.

"Marcello will kill him. He'll kill me, he'll…" I can't even form proper words. "What do I even know about babies?" I cry out, my thoughts jumbled in my head, all my emotions coming to the surface. "I don't know what I'm going to do," I tell him sincerely.

I'm in so over my head.

"Marry me," he says suddenly, and I whip my head back, my eyes widening at his words.

"What?"

"Marry me, Sisi, and no one will have to know. Our families are already hoping we might become more."