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It’s possible that a character might start out with a sense of entitlement, or expecting certain privileges, and then experience a wake-up call, but unless you’re writing very young characters, this is a pretty unattractive quality in a fellow human. Especially when it manifests in disregard for others’ rights or feelings.

6. Lack of Ambition

While this can be subjective, a perceived lack of ambition or drive is often frowned upon, particularly in men. Yes, that’s tied to traditional expectations of men as providers and achievers. These expectations can be nuanced by increasing recognition of the value of work-life balance and personal fulfillment over traditional success metrics. That said, no one likes a layabout.

7. Inflexibility

Oh, those Harlequin heroes of old! Remember those guys? Granted, they were so often comtes or earls or billionaires or reclusive writers. It was understandable that they were used to having everything their own way. Anyway, an unwillingness to adapt to change or consider other viewpoints is generally viewed negatively. Societies value people who can be flexible and open-minded, especially in rapidly changing global and local contexts. But, I mean, I could think of a way or two to make an inflexible romantic interest…interesting.

8. Dishonesty

Ugh. Unless your protag is a retired professional jewel thief, or a retired spy whose safety depends on hiding certain truths, this is not going to be very charming. Dishonesty isparticularlyfrowned upon in one’s significant other. Being truthful and transparent is valued in personal relationships, professional settings, and societal interactions. With good reason.

9. Lack of Compassion

I’m not sure a lack of empathy or compassion for others is anything but appalling. Societies are increasingly valuing empathy and caring behaviors in men as well as women, challenging old stereotypes of emotional detachment.

10. Dependency

Excessive dependency, whether financial, emotional, or otherwise, without striving for self-sufficiency, is often viewed negatively. Independence and self-reliance are traits that are generally encouraged. We want to follow fully autonomous characters pursuing relationships with other fully autonomous characters. This is just as important for female characters as male. Princess Charming isn’t coming, Sleeping Beauty. Wake up!

Many traits considered socially undesirable are also often viewed as unattractive in personal relationships, but with a focus on how they impact intimacy, compatibility, and mutual understanding.

It’s important to recognize that societal expectations are constantly evolving, and what is frowned upon in one culture or generation might be viewed differently in another. Increasingly, there’s a push toward valuing traits such as empathy, emotional intelligence, and respect for equality, reflecting broader shifts in how masculinity is understood and expressed. At the same time, it’s safe to assume traits like self-centeredness, vanity, and cruelty are never going to be considered plusses in a prospective mate.

The attraction to traits of masculinity and strength in Western society is rooted in a complex interplay of historical, cultural, and psychological factors. These traits have been valorized across various cultures and epochs, often associated with leadership, protection, and competence.

Since there’s at least a 50/50 chance your gay protagonist is going to be male, and a more than 50/50 chance that you arenotmale, let’s analyze the traits of masculinity and strength and consider why we find these particular traits attractive, even essential in our protagonist’s romantic interest.

Historical and Cultural Foundations

Protector Role:Historically, men have often been cast in the role of the protector, responsible for the safety and well-being of their families and communities. This role has emphasized physical strength and assertiveness, traits that have become deeply associated with the ideal of masculinity.

Social and Economic Leadership:Men have traditionally held positions of power and leadership in many Western societies. Strength (both physical and character-based) and masculinity have been seen as essential traits for leaders, reinforcing their desirability.

Cultural Heroes and Myths:Many Western myths, legends, and cultural narratives celebrate masculine heroes who embody strength, bravery, and resilience. These stories, passed down through generations, shape societal expectations and ideals around masculinity.

Psychological and Evolutionary Perspectives

Attraction to Competence:From an evolutionary psychology standpoint, traits associated with strength and masculinity may be interpreted as indicators of a mate’s ability to provide and protect. This can translate into a subconscious attraction to these traits, perceived as beneficial for survival and offspring well-being.

Social Status and Confidence:Masculinity and strength often correlate with higher social status and confidence, traits that are generally attractive because they suggest a capacity for resource acquisition and social influence.

Safety and Security:On a psychological level, the association of masculinity and strength with protection can evoke feelings of safety and security, making these traits attractive to those seeking emotional and physical reassurance in their relationships.

Modern Interpretations and Shifts

Expanding Definitions:Contemporary Western society is increasingly recognizing and valuing diverse expressions of masculinity and strength, including emotional resilience, intellectual strength, and the courage to defy traditional norms.

Social and Gender Dynamics:There’s growing awareness of the limitations and pressures imposed by traditional gender roles. This has sparked conversations about the attractiveness of traits such as vulnerability, empathy, and emotional intelligence in men, alongside or instead of traditional markers of masculinity and strength.

Media and Representation:Media representations influence societal perceptions of attractiveness. While traditional depictions of masculinity and strength persist, there’s a growing presence of alternative models that challenge and expand these norms.

The attraction to traits of masculinity and strength in Western society is multifaceted, influenced by historical roles, psychological tendencies, and cultural narratives. While these traits have been and continue to be seen as attractive and essential by many, there’s a dynamic conversation about what masculinity and strength mean in the modern world. This conversation reflects a broader cultural shift toward a more inclusive and nuanced understanding of gender, where strength is recognized in its many forms, and masculinity is freed from rigid definitions, allowing for a fuller expression of human potential and diversity.

Bottom line, try to create a potential romantic partner for your protagonist who makes your heart flutter. It’s the best way of ensuring your reader’s heart will flutter, too.

The Retro Love Quiz