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Jade and her goddamn affirmations. I’ve thought about hiding her phone at least once a day since she found me in my room. I push my thoughts away from that day, trying to live in this moment while stealing some happiness for myself. The guilt is a future Eva problem… current Eva can’t come to the phone right now.

“Have mercy on us,” Ayana begs. “We can’t survive another round of ‘you have purpose… your worth isn’t in the things that you own but the lives you touch… think it, believe it, and become it.’”

We burst into laughter.

“Giggle while you can bitches. Remember, I know where you all sleep at night,” Jade threatens. “And if you think I won’t make these your alarm clocks, try me.” She tries to keep a straight face, but it lasts for less than a millisecond.

“Would you mind if Molly and I join you?” Paisley, our suitemate, asks, pointing to the two empty chairs between Ayana and me.

Ayana is too busy trying to catch her breath after mimicking more Jadeisms to speak, so she motions for Paisley to take a seat instead.

The tall, mousey brunette with the big doe cappuccino eyes smiles as she sits down next to Paisley.

“Molly, this is Jade, Cammy, Ayana, and Eva. They’re my teammates. I share a suite with everyone except Ayana, but she’s been kidnapped… I mean adopted,” Paisley jokes as she introduces us to her friend. “And ladies, this is Molly, my girlfriend.”

We each take turns welcoming her before changing topics. “How was everyone’s first week of classes?” Molly inquires.

I sigh, biting the inside of my cheek to remain calm as the scenes of the last week and a half replay in my mind at her question.

“It’s been an adjustment, to say the least,” I confess—the words truthful without leaving me vulnerable. There are definitely parts of my time here I’d love to throw into an incinerator.

“They always leave that part out of the brochures,” Molly jests.

The conversation is light. We talk about our classes, which professors we think we’ll like, and how busy our course loads will be. And for the first time since school began, I feel like a real college student.

“Oh, look.”

Huffing, I close my eyes, immediately recognizing that voice. I spoke too soon, and karma hit me with the okie doke, putting me back in my place.

You don’t get to be happy or normal. You lost that luxury.

“Does your probation officer know you broke out of prison?” Portia squawks.

Breathe. She caught me off guard last time, but I won’t give her the satisfaction of doing it again.

“I know you hear me speaking to you, murderer,” Portia shouts, and the entire room goes silent.

“Go away, Portia,” Ayana growls, and I slump in my chair, trying to take up as little space as possible.

Seeing blood in the water, Portia attacks, pulling out her phone and pressing play on something. Audio soon fills the room.

“Fah?”I hear myself croak… the sound closer to a dying animal.

My body freezes at the sound of my voice.How did she?—

“How am I supposed to do this without you, Fah? How do I keep going when every fiber of my being wants to be wherever you are?”

Immovable, my eyes dart to the side in time to witness Jade jump up from her seat. “What the fuck is your problem? Have the fumes from your botched dye job fucked with your cognitive functioning?” she yells, storming past Portia toward the bathroom.

The fear in Portia’s eyes dissolves once she thinks I’m being abandoned. “Do your friends know what you do in your room when you think no one is watching?” she hisses.

Fighting to remain calm, I dig my nails into my wrists until the pain can ground me. I can’t get lost in my head. It’s too turbulent to be out in the open, exposed to the judgment of others. I can feel their eyes burrowing into my flesh, finding me repulsive for what I’ve done.

“Sometimes I wish pussyholes like ah yuh would chuck off,” Camiel spits.

“Why don’t you try speaking English, bitch. This is America,” Portia snaps.

The gasps around the cafeteria aren’t enough to move me. I’m even more ashamed that my friends have to defend me.