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“Are you getting so excited?” Henrietta asked.
“I am,” I said with a smile. “It's almost like my life is so perfect I can't believe it. Well... mostly perfect.”
Birdie’s lips pursed. “What do you mean? Is everything okay with Jonas?”
“He’s great.” I set down my empty champagne glass and spread my hands over my lap. “It’s just something he said, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.”
Henrietta leaned forward, setting her glass down too. “You two look so happy together. What’s going on?”
I let out a sigh. “He mentioned a while back that he’s always seen himself as becoming a father someday, and I told him I’m not going to give him that. He says he’s okay with it now and that he’s happy with it just being the two of us, but I keep worrying that it won’t be enough.” I turned to Birdie. “How did you and Cohen come to the decision not to have children?”
She tilted her head to the side, studying me for a moment. “It was a little easier for us since Cohen already had Ollie. So we do have a child. Technically, I know he is not mine. I have to share him. But I also feel like my calling in life is to be a guidance counselor and to work with those kids. And sometimes when you have children of your own, it's hard to give them everything they need while working in a service role. I know it can be done, but I’d rather give all I have to hundreds of kids through the years.”
“Was Cohen okay with that?” I asked.
She nodded. “He was open to having another baby with me, but starting over after sixteen years wasn't exactly something that was calling his name.”
I nodded slowly.
Birdie said, “It's probably different for Jonas since he's a good ten years younger than Cohen, and he hasn’t had that fatherhood experience yet.”
I hadn’t meant for this day to be all about me and my worries, but now I felt like I was about to cry. “So much of my life is perfect, but how can I accept my happiness when it came at the cost of someone I loved?”
Henrietta drew her eyebrows together. “Am I missing something? Did he say that being child-free was a deal-breaker?”
“No, he said that he couldn’t give me up for a child he didn’t know. But I don't want him to resent me down the road, you know?”
Birdie nodded. “I could see why you'd be afraid of that, but that'shisdecision. If he decides to stay with you, he knows what the cost is going to be.”
“But why does it have to behiscost?” I asked. “Why does he have to be the one to sacrifice all the time? I feel like I'm taking so much away from him. He could have had this perfect girl like Tracey who has nice parents and is best friends with his sister and probably wants to have a dozen kids, and here he is with me and all of my trauma and my alcoholic dad in rehab.” I let out a mix between a sob and laugh. Because if I didn’t laugh, I would break down at the unfairness of it all. I loved Jonas, but all I had to give him was me. “I want better for him.”
“But he gets to choose that,” Henrietta said. “He gets to choose what he wants for himself. And it sounds like he's choosing you.”
The saleswoman came back with armfuls of gowns made from all different materials. “I have a few for you gals to try on. I can't wait to see how you look in them!”
I stood up ready to move on from this conversation. “Let's go try them on,” I said with a smile.
Birdie gave me a concerned look, but I shook my head. “This is a happy time,” I said. “The first and last time we'll ever be able to shop for my first movie deal.”
Henrietta put an arm around me. “Well then we better enjoy it.”
43
Jonas
I shut my computer down at eight and cleaned off my desk. It was a habit I learned from a mentor back in my first internship. Clearing your desk was like clearing away all the problems from your day and giving yourself a fresh start.
I shrugged on my suit jacket, turned off the light, and locked my office door before nearly walking into Mr. Rusk.
“Sorry about that,” I said, straightening my lapels. “How are you doing?”
“Great. Mind if I walk you out?” he said.
“Not at all.” My nerves were already on edge. We hadn’t spoken much since Tess announced her pregnancy, so I assumed that meant I hadn’t fucked anything up in his eyes, but I already felt guilty.
The office was nearly empty as we made our way past the cubicles and toward the front entrance.
“I’ve been noticing you doubling down on your hours, Jonas. Our clients are happy, and that makes me happy.”