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Mara stood and said, “I’ll walk you outside.”
We went to the door together, but she didn’t say a word. She walked beside me, quietly trailing the toes of her sandals over the sidewalk.
“That was work?” she said.
“Yeah.”
She twisted her mouth to the side. “Exciting news, becoming an uncle.”
“Yeah, I'm really happy for them.” We reached my car and stopped by the driver’s side door. I knew I should be getting to work, but I couldn’t leave her when she was looking so completely defeated despite her best efforts to be happy for me.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked. “Me? Will I be enough?” She looked to the ground for a moment, then braved looking me in the eyes.
“I'm not going to lie to you, Mara. I have always wanted a family. I always thought I would have children.” Her eyes fell to the ground again, but I cupped her cheek, drawing her gaze back to me. “But it was more of a thing I thought Ishoulddo. I liked my life growing up so much that I wanted to live like my parents. But it doesn'thaveto be that way. I can try something new.”
“Try?” She stepped away from me, leaving me to slowly lower my hand by my side. “But what if you regret it? I don't want to get ten, twenty years down the road and have you resent me because you didn't get what you wanted out of life.”
I stepped forward again, put my hands on each side of her face, looking into her deep brown eyes. “I'm thirty-two years old, Mara. If I wanted a family as much as I thought I did, I probably would have done it by now.”
“What if...” She bit her lip, her eyes glazing with tears. “What if you haven’t met the right person yet?”
The way she said it fucking tore me in two. “Mara, you are the right person. You’re kind and funny and you go after what you want and you hold boundaries like no one else I’ve ever met, but you also forgive. I admire the hell out of you, and I know you make me a better person.”
“But a child—”
“I can’t give up on an incredible woman, on an incredible relationship, for a child I’ve never met. What if it’s an asshole?”
She finally cracked a smile. “You know it won’t be. Any child of yours would be amazing.”
I brushed her hair back behind her ear, hoping she would see that I thought she was incredible. “Sometimes we don’t get what we want; we get what we need. And I needed you before I ever knew it.”
Her lips trembled. “I needed you, Jonas. I never wanted to rely on anyone, but fuck, the thought of losing you? It’s eating me alive.”
“Don’t let it.” I kissed her deeply. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Then neither am I.”
42
Mara
Confession: Life is perfect... almost.
The next couplemonths were a whirlwind of writing, editing, heading to the Moores’ house to help Mariah with dialysis, and Jonas staying plenty busy with tax season. He would get up and leave for the office at seven and be home at eight or nine at night. He said he was getting closer and closer to his promotion, and I wanted that for him, more than anything, I wanted him to have what he wanted.
At night, we would sometimes make love and sometimes we would just pass time together, watching movies, joking about the tropes that he was now learning to recognize. On Fridays, I drove to LA and spent half an hour with my dad. Sometimes we talked about his treatment. He asked me about my career, and I asked him what he was planning to do when he was released from rehab in another month’s time. We weren’t close—would never be—but my anger was subsiding. I was learning that he was a person who hadn’t faced his demons until he’d been forced to. But at least he was now. At least I didn’t have an ache for a person he could never be. I was coming to accept him as he was, dropping my forbidden hopes, and becoming more satisfied with life overall.
On the weekend afternoons when Jonas wasn’t working, we went out to eat with his parents or helped Tess and Derek with wedding (and now baby) preparation. Spending time with my friends and laying out on the beach fit somewhere in between.
Charlotte was having me go on more and more podcasts, plenty of talking points in hand to make sure I didn't have another fiasco like the one before, and I was getting better and better all the time. It was all going great, really, which surprised no one more than me.
To top it off, my movie was less than a month away, and I could not wait to sit in those velvety red chairs and see my name come on the screen with the linebased on a book by Mara Taylor.
I’d been putting off dress shopping until closer to the premiere, but today was the day; I could feel it. Henrietta, Birdie, and I all had the day off. Jonas and Cohen were working. And now if I wore the dress every day until the premier I wouldn’t completely ruin it.
The three of us met at Vestido, a dress store in Emerson Shoppes. They had some of the best dresses, and I wanted to shop local for the movie premiere. Since my friends were coming with me to the premiere, they had to be red-carpet ready as well.
We sat in the corner of the shop around an empty podium, drinking glasses of cheap champagne while a saleswoman mingled through their admittedly smaller plus-size section. She said she was confident she’d find a great fit for all of us. I hoped she was right.