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I forced a smile, took a deep breath, and slowly panned the room, pausing when I reached her. Then I widened my smile. Mommy put her right hand on her left shoulder as if she was covering Daddy's.

"Happy birthday, dear Noble," Mommy said. "From both of us."

I stared. Was he there? Did I see him? Was he as young as I remembered? How desperately I needed him.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Mommy asked. "To be together again like this?"

I nodded,

"Now you sit down. Noble. I want you to enjoy every moment. I mean we both want you to enjoy every moment. I have your favorite cake, too, and afterward, there is a big surprise waiting for you in the living room," she said.

I turned to look back through the doorway.

"No, no, you have to wait. Patience. All good things come to those with patience," she said and rose.

I sat at the table and stared ahead.

"Are you there. Daddy?" I whispered. "Show me. please. Touch me, speak to me. please." I pleaded.

I closed my eyes and prayed.

And I did think I felt him beside me, touching my shoulder. I waited, and then I felt his lips on my cheek.

"Happy birthday," I heard and snapped my eves open. I turned quickly. but he wasn't there. I hadn't seen him. Perhaps I had lost any chance to ever see him.

Mommy entered with our food and stopped to look at me. "Everything all right?" she asked.

"Yes," I said quickly.

"As it should be," she said. "As it should be."

It was a wonderful dinner, and the cake was delicious. Despite the swirling ball of sadness that lingered in my stomach. I ate well. Mommy talked about so many things that she wanted us to do about the farm.

"I want a better, bigger garden. and I'm going to sell some of my herbs to Mr. Bogart. He has customers. I can make a handy amount of money for us. I want you to have new clothes, and I'm thinking of getting some new things for myself as well. Most of all. Noble. I'm getting us a new car. You're going to learn how to drive, too. Now, with this birthday, you're eligible for that, you know. I can't wait to begin to teach you how to drive," she said.

How wonderful it all sounded. If I got my license. I could go places. This world would no longer be shrinking for me. Surely she meant for that to happen. How could I say one word to discourage her or depress her? We must both be happy. I thought. We must.

After the dinner was over and we had eaten the cake, she declared it was time to go into the living room to see my surprise. Whatever it was, it was giftwrapped and left on the floor. The shape of it confused me.

"Go on. Noble," Mommy said. "Open it." I started to take it apart neatly.

"Just rip it open." she said and I did. I stared down at a chain saw.

"You're old enough to handle that sort of thing now. and we needed a new one, but one small enough for you to handle

Mommy said. "You'll be able to cut firewood for us, harvest our woods. Of course, you'll have to be very. very careful. There is an instruction book in there. too. I want you to follow the rules and procedures exactly. Well? I guess you're too overwhelmed to speak. I know how much you like things with engines, how you like to ride our mower and how much you loved your electric trains."

I continued to stare at it.

I wanted to think of it as Noble would. I wanted to be as excited as he would be. but I couldn't do it. All I could do for Mommy was smile and look at the booklet.

"My little man," she said and came over to kiss me on the forehead.

"I'm going to clean up. Read the booklet," she told me and left me.

I felt like I was turning inside out. I didn't want chain saws. I wanted jewelry and new clothes. I wanted a radio for my room. I wanted to know about the music they had talked about in Elliot's car. I wanted a television set. I wanted to have my own phone, but more important. I wanted friends to call. I wanted a birthday card that said. "I've registered you for public school. Happy birthday."

But I would have none of that. Not for a long time, maybe not forever now, I thought.