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After hearing what she had done and what would follow. I lost my appetite, but with Mommy standing over me, I forced myself to eat everything on the plate.

"I want you to take it easy for a few days. Noble. You've been through terrible things. Just concentrate on the reading I've given you and some of the science manual work. Don't worry about the chickens or any of our chores around the property," she said.

I did what she asked, but it was very difficult to remain so confined. I missed Cleo very much. too. Everything conspired to make me feel even lonelier. At night. when I listened to Mommy playing her piano or when I went up to my room to read. I couldn't stop the flood of images from passing through my head, Repeatedly. I saw Roberta taking off her bra. I relived that kiss. It all nauseated me, but at the same time, for reasons I couldn't understand, it titillated me and made me think more and more about my own sexuality.

Terrified I'd be caught, but unable to prevent myself from doing it. I went into my bathroom and gazed down at my naked bosom. Of course. I was no way near as chesty as Roberta, but my breasts were becoming fuller and rounding out. It would soon become very difficult to flatten my chest enough to satisfy Mommy, I thought. The prospect of that day when she would look at me with such terrible disappointment was frightening. What would she do then? Would she make me eat more, become fatter, erase every possible curve? Could she erase the curves inside my head as easily?

I put my modified corset on again. I trimmed my hair myself. I pushed aside the memories of the makeup and what it would do to my face and what it had done to Betsy's and Harmony's and Roberta's eyes and lips. I fought back every urge to be Celeste and went about my work with new determination. I was back to my heavier chores, swinging an ax with vengeance, raking, shoveling, hammering until my shoulders screamed. Mommy looked pleased at my exhaustion every night,

"You're a good boy," she would say. "You'll be fine. We'll be fine. Our home is sacred again."

I hoped she was right. She did look quite revived herself and stopped complaining about headaches and didn't doze off as much. I looked for her spirits, the spirits I seemed to see easily once. and I waited for Daddy's whispers from the shadows to tell me I was fine. I was redeemed, and as Mommy had said, all would be well.

But all I heard finally was Elliot's anger and threats.

He popped out of the forest as if he had been waiting for days and days behind some tree to approach me at the first opportunity. I had just finished feeding the chickens and repairing a gate when he came charging across the meadow. I thought he was going to leap at me, but he stopped a few yards away, his hands on his hips.

"You're a freak," he began, "You probably are a homo. I don't know why I tried to be your friend." He waved his fist at me.Youll get yours someday."

"Look. I'm sorry my mother went to your father. but I didn't want to be with Roberta. She's disgusting."

"Disgusting? Why? Because she wanted to have sex with you? Is that disgusting? Is that what your mother teaches you? I feel sorry for you, even sorrier than I feel for myself, even though thanks to you, my father took my car away and grounded me for a month."

"I didn't mean for that to happen to you. Elliot."

"Yeah. right. Don't bother trying to make friends with anyone in this community. By the time I finish making up stories about you, no one will give you the time of day." he threatened. "You're a pathetic excuse for a man." he added, turned and marched back to the woods, his head down.

I felt tears burning in my eyes. I wanted to call to him, to find some way to apologize. but I was too ch

oked up to utter a sound. I stood there watching him disappear.

Then I turned, my own head down, and started for the house.

When I looked up. I saw Mommy standing there on the porch, her arms folded under her breasts. She wasn't wearing a coat, just a blouse and skirt, but she didn't seem to care about the cold. As I drew closer, I saw she had a smile on her face. I was sure she had witnessed my confrontation with Elliot.

"Did you see that?" she asked "What?"

"He couldn't get near you. He couldn't get close. He had to stand away from you and shake his fist and I'm sure make his stupid threats."

She looked off toward the forest.

"There is a wall between us and them. Noble, forever and ever, there is a wall."

She looked down at me.

"You are safe," she said. "You will always be safe."

She held out her arms. I stepped up on the porch, and she embraced me. Together we walked into the house, me pausing only for a instant to look back at where Elliot had entered the forest and disappeared.

He disappeared like a dream would when I woke up.

15

Awakened

.

During the weeks and then months that