Page 21 of A Very Happy Easter

In recent months, she’d lowered her expectations to any man with a pulse and a prenup, but I still managed to be an endless disappointment.

Me

How many eligible bachelors will be there?

Mama

At least half a dozen.

Fifty shades of fucking hell. And I wouldn’t even have Salma’s support because Robyn’s parents were in town, and the four of them were going out to see The Phantom of the Opera. I couldn’t even tell her about the problem—if I did, she’d stay to help, and I refused to ruin her evening as well as mine.

Heath

Coke? Heroin? Himself?

What? Oh, right—the sales guy. If he was selling himself, maybe I could hire him to run interference? Of course, the last time I tried that, it had ended in disaster, but?—

Wait a second…

Me

I have a proposal for you.

Heath

Moving a bit quick, aren’t you? We haven’t even been on a date yet.

Well, funny he should say that…

Me

Can I call you?

A full minute went past before he replied, and I’d begun pacing by that point.

Heath

Sure, Edie.

I took a deep breath and dialled. Heath answered right away.

“Aren’t you meant to get down on one knee?”

Heath was the only person who joked about this sort of thing with me. Mama tried to steamroller me into her way of thinking, and everyone else studiously avoided the topic.

“If this were anything other than a business proposal, I would.”

“You need to hire a private investigator?”

“Not that kind of business. I was thinking that I could rent your spare room.”

A long pause followed, then, “Did you run out of space for your shoe collection?”

“Mama is pressuring me to attend Angus’s art exhibition. That’s this month. Next month, it’ll be another wedding, a christening, a party, a polo match, a charity fundraiser… The list goes on. I can’t avoid them all. Tomorrow night, there will be not one, not two, not three, but six eligible bachelors in attendance, and I need—excuse my bluntness—a cockblocker to keep them away from me.”

“And that’s where I come in?”

“My proposal is that I’ll pay half your rent for every month that you come to an event with me. Just one. Word will get around that I’m not ripe for the picking, and I can manage the rest alone. Of course, I’ll understand if you’re not interested—in which case, please forget I ever asked and continue with the avocado memes.”