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“What’s going on? Is everything okay?” she asks, voice quiet and timid.
“I don’t know. I don’t fucking know,” is all I offer in return.
I pull my focus to the road before me. Keeping the speedometer level with the speed limit. Stopping at red lights. Going at green. Glancing left and right before turning. Keeping Declan safe. All the while, my insides are a fucking riot. Stomach stabbing, thoughts shredding, heart tearing.
I inhale through clenched teeth. Wrench my knuckles tight around the steering wheel.
Try as I might, I don’t have the words to help calm Declan who’s clearly lost in her own worry. I don’t have the words to calmmyself.I’m fucking pissed.Atmyself. Because I knew better—I fucking knew better. I knew that one wrong move and someone would be hurt under my watch once more. Yet I allowed myself the reprieve anyway. Broke my promise to Brenna. To myself. And now I’ve let everyone down in a single night over my own selfish goddamn desires. And fuck if that doesn’t make me the world’s biggest fucking piece of shit.
Fuck!
Darkness consumes me, sinking its filthy fucking claws into me. Self-loathing and guilt fuel my heart’s beats, pumping the feelings into my veins until my body thrives on them.
We arrive at the hospital. Point A to Point B in record time.
My hands move faster than my brain.
Gear-shift, e-brake, ignition, door.Slam.
I exit the car, hands tearing through my hair. But I fall to my knees before I can take another step.
“Hey.” A soft hand lands on my back. “Are you okay?”
No. I am not fucking okay.“Parker and Williams. They were in an accident. I should’ve been there—I fucking should’ve—” I can’t think—can’t fucking breathe. My breaths are trapped in my lungs, and a strangled sound leaves my mouth. Panic consumes me from the inside out.
“Hey. I understand that you’re worried, but this is not your fault, Jude. They’re not your responsibility. I’m sure they’re okay, though. Let’s head inside and—”
“You don’t knowshitabout my responsibility.” I’m fucking angry, and unfortunately, I’m taking it out on her. It’s completely misplaced, but— “This is why I needed my head in the game. This is why I didn’t need any fucking distractions.” The words are out of my mouth before I have the chance to think them through.
I pin her with my stare, watching my words strike where intended.
I’m a fucking asshole.
I watch her lips form around them—a distraction—but they’re completely silent as they fall off the tip of her tongue. Regret tears through me immediately, sinking a knife into my heart and piercing straight through. But my response is caught up, hooked in the back of my throat.
I push to my feet.
Rake my hands through my hair.
“Fuck, Declan—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I swear to God, I—” I attempt an apology, but she isn’t hearing me. She glances up at me, tears brimming her lids before one slips free, but it’s as if she’s a thousand miles away when she’s standing right in front of me. A barrier being erected before my own eyes.
“Declan, please—”
“No, it’s fine,” she cuts me off, tone soft but cold, distant. “I don’t need an explanation. I get it.” Another tear slips free, though she doesn’t seem to notice.
That quickly, she’s blocked me out. And I don’t fucking blame her with the way I just acted, but the acknowledgement of it still stabs at me all the same. I tore down my walls, brick by brick, to let her in, and now she’s built one of her own in its stead.
Chapter Fifteen
Declan
His stare is violent. Crashing into my ribcage, taking my heart hostage, and constricting its beats. But his words—his words are like vines around the very same heart, thorns piercing into my organ and watching my blood spill free.
A single tear tracks down my cheek, too quickly to hold it in.
“Fuck, Declan—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I swear to God, I—” I’ve been called hundreds of names before. Dozens of ugly slurs thanks to my own two parents. So it doesn’t make sense, why that single word hurts more than I can remember those ones hurting.Distraction.They were knicks on the surface of my skin, but that one word, from Jude’s mouth, feels like a laceration through my soul.
Which is entirely fucking pathetic, I realize. But despite only having known him for a matter of weeks, I also realize that I—shit.I press an open palm against my chest, pushing back against the chaos of churning feelings. I realize I had grown to truly like him. Admire him. Trust him.Trust that he would never intentionally hurt me.