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I’m going to miss him so much when he’s gone, the thought alone threatens to break me.
I don’t know when we’re going to see each other next with how busy he’s about to be—with this new chapter of his life; this amazing, incredible accomplishment of his. I’m nervous as hell, but I also know how different this year is going to be when it comes to us, too. I don’t know how I know that, I only knowthat I can feel it deep down in the pit of my stomach. A quiet whispering of,It’s going to be okay; everything is going to work out the way it’s meant to.The quiet surety is soothing, but it doesn’t keep me from grasping onto Jude tighter, squeezing him inside the space of my arms and losing myself in the peaceful presence of him.
Everything about Jude settles everything inside me. Always has. My heart, my worries, my many flittering thoughts, my…everything.
No matter how busy we’ve been this year, that fact has remained. And it’s only grown to be more true. We’ve grown impossibly closer, and my feelings have grown deeper, and I know,I know,I’m in love with him. I know, and it’s terrifying, because now he’s even farther away than before, and he’s playing professional football, and life is only going to get busier, more chaotic, and crazy.
But I’ve landed here whether I’ve tried to or not.Avoiding labels or not.
Jude’s arms wrap around me and drag me closer in his sleep, and his deep breaths, his softly pounding heart, are the soundtrack to my revelations.
I fall asleep with these thoughts on my mind, filtering into my psyche, luring me into a peaceful stream of dreams, both imaginary and real.
______
“So, I’ll see you next summer?” I joke a few hours later, as Jude is pulling his pants up his legs, getting ready to pack up his things to head back to Colorado.
He drops the pants, pins me with his stare, and crawls up the bed like he’s stalking his prey. His hand wraps around my ankle in a firm grip, and then he slowly drags me down the bed until my body is directly beneath his. I sink deeper into his stareand get completely lost, hypnotized by the light and dark hues streaked together in his striking gray gaze.
Biting down on his lower lip, his eyes flit between mine as he chooses his words carefully, and I watch as his lip slides out from between his teeth. “We see each other in the summer because that’s whatyouwanted, Declan. We met in the summer. I happened to have some things going on out here last summer. But this summer… there is no reason for me to be here other than you. If you’ll let me, I’ll fly out here every other goddamn weekend—”
I cut off his words by pushing my mouth against his. I know he would. I do.And that knowledge breaks something open inside me. I let the magnitude of everything I’m feeling spill into our kiss.
He gets lost in it as much as I do. Until all we are is lips, tongues, and teeth, and mouths dancing, hands exploring, soft moans and guttural groans mingling in the space between us.
When we finally part, our gazes keep us connected together. Ocean meets storm. Raging with words we’re both still stubbornly holding onto. Because I’m still afraid. To lay it all out there. To put my heart on the line and pray it isn’t slaughtered. I don’t know what this last year has looked like for him. Or even the one before that. I never asked, because I didn’t want to know. But with those three words looming between us, I feel like I should.
Before I go and do something entirely vulnerable, like finally tell him how desperately and deeply I love him, I have to know. Ineedto know… “Have you been with anyone else these last two years?”
His entire demeanor darkens by the end of my question, and my stomach bottoms out. He goes completely still, his body tense like it’s preparing for fight of flight. There’s a deep line of tension between his brows now, too, and I imagine there’s onebetween his shoulder blades as well with how rigid his shoulders have gone.
When his eyes finally meet mine, a darkness churns within them. A violent storm where anger and frustration meet devastation and pain, and my heart sinks clear through my body and drops to the floor. Or maybe, maybe it shoots straight up into my throat because suddenly, I’m choking on every single one of its beats. “Maybe the real question I should be asking ishow many?”
“How many—” His shoulders hike even higher than before, and he has to take a deep breath to steady himself. “Let’s do ourselves a favor and end this conversation. Please. It isn’t likely to go anywhere but pissing one of us off, and I really don’t want to do that when I have to leave today.”
Hurt pries itself between my ribs and pierces into my core. “I guess I have my answer, then.” It stings. I’m not stupid, and I’m not naïve. Of course he’s had the opportunity to hook up. All I have to do is look at him to know that—ripped, toned, tanned, covered in gorgeous artwork, those piercing gray eyes and those perfect hands and those plush fucking lips that know how to do wild things. But his answer creates a fissure in my heart, splitting it further open with every second that passes by without a real reply. “You know what, you’re right. I don’t want to do this right now.” I stand up and collect my clothes from the floor.
“What are you doing, Declan?” He sounds exasperated, but his voice is all calm, soothing tones.
“I’m leaving. Obviously.” It’s either that or stand here and drown beneath the weight of my disappointment. It’s unfair, I know it is, but it fuckinghurts.Because I haven’t hooked up with anyone else. Not since two summers ago. And I feel like an idiot. We were too busy for each other most days, but he wasn’t too busy for someone else. And that’s what it all boils down to. That’s why it feels like my heart has split through the fissure thisconversation started and has completely cracked apart, laying in hollow pieces inside my chest. If I don’t get out of here, I’m likely to pick them up and drop them down at his feet, showing him just how much it hurts.
“Fuck that, Little D. Let’s have this out then.”
“No.” I shake my head.I can’t.I don’t want to hear any more of what he has to say. It already hurts too much. My eyes burn, and my chest aches, and every breath is harder to take. “I know a thing or two about life, Jude, and someone always gets left behind,” I say, but the words burn, feeling like acid on my tongue. He knows what it feels like to be left behind, too. “You’re going to find someone better and leave me behind, too.”
“Someone better—” he cuts himself off. He takes a deep breath, sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose. He clears his throat. A muscle in his jaw twitches, and then he bursts out with, “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
I shove the last of my things into my bag and storm out of the room.
He storms after me.
“Declan, wait.Fucking wait.”His fingers wrap around my upper arm, grounding but gentle. “There’s no way in hell I’m letting you walk away. Not ever, but especially not like this. You want to talk about this? Then we’re going to talk about it.”
“I can’t bear to have this conversation anymore, Jude.” My breath catches, and my voice hitches on the wordbear,a traitorous tear slipping down my cheek.
“I can’t either. But fuck it. Here’s the truth—I haven’t been with anyone but you in over two years. Two fucking years, Dec. What I can’t handle is the possibility of hearing that you have! Fuck, you’d have every right to, but I’m not going to lie and say it wouldn’t gut me, that it wouldn’t piss me right the fuck off, and that is theonlyreason why I didn’t want to have this conversation.”
He hasn’t been with anyone?