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And that’s where the nerves come in.
Does he still love me? Does he still want to be with me? Is this relationship still worth fighting for, for him? Does he still see a future with me, beyond our deep, irrevocable friendship?
He sent me flowers a few times, and I know he’s been checking up on me through Addy, but I’m not sure what any of it means. Not really.
“Penny House?” he asks, naming the coffee shop I’ve worked at for three years now. It’s as good as any.
“Okay, yeah. Penny House.”
“Alright, I’ll see you soon, b—Declan. I’ll see you soon.”
______
I tuck myself into a back booth, too nervous to order anything at the counter. I shake and shakeand shakemy foot beneath the table, worn leather denting beneath my fingertips as I dig them deeper into the bench underneath me.
It’s 3:09,I spot, when I glance down at my watch.
Maybe he isn’t coming after all. Maybe he’s changed his mind. Maybe three months apart made him realize his life would be a lot easier without me in it. Maybe—
The familiartingrings near the front door as it opens, the audible roar of the city rushing in with a light breeze that kicks up random fliers pinned to the tackboard on the wall.
Jude’s towering frame takes up the entire space of the doorway. His presence takes up the entire space of my heart.
Commanding attention.
Demanding to be seen.
Stealing all the oxygen from the room—all the oxygen from my lungs.
It wasn’t even a question in my mind, but all it takes is this one look at him, and I know, I still love him. I love him with everything I am, and with everything in me.
I stand from my seat with my heartbeat pulsing in my throat and take a step toward him.
He clears the coffee shop in three long strides.
And then he’s grasping my face, his hold almost desperate. A breath rushes out of him as he closes his eyes and brings his forehead down to meet mine. We’re nose to nose, forehead to forehead, lips to lips.But we’re not kissing. Just frozen, halted within the moment. It’s hard to breathe. Hard to do anything but hold my tears at bay as they sting at my eyes, begging to be set free.
There’s been this weight on my chest, and it hasn’t left since I saw him last. But now, it flees from my body with the power of a hundred birds taking flight.
“I’ve missed you,” he breathes, and it’s a harsh breath pushed from his lungs that fans over my face. His words are filled with the same agony I’ve felt these last few months. With the same desperate yearning, the same longing ache that’s settled into my bones, weighing me down. With the same love that has kept me going, hoping, fighting to be the kind of person he deserves, and who deserves him in return.
My heart swells with that love, with pride, with adoration, with everything complicated and uncomplicated I’ve always felt for him.
“I love you,” I say, because it’s the only thing I want to say,needto say.
I love him, and I want him. Forever. If he’ll have me.
______
Jude
I love you,she says calmly, as if those words aren’t my undoing. As if my soul doesn’t shatter around those eight letters and reconstruct itself into a form within them, existing solely for her.
They’re my relief, assurance, and salvation all in one.
I had my doubts meeting her here. Of course I fucking did. We went from speaking to each other every day to not talking for nearly three months, and while that doesn’t seem long in theory, for me, it’s felt like a goddamn eternity. An eternity filled with endless doubt clouding my every thought.
What if there’s too much past trauma shared between the two of us and she decides she wants nothing to do with it? What if she wants a fresh slate, with someone who hasn’t had to work tirelessly at ridding himself of his own demons as well? What if she wants a calmer life—one with a partner who isn’t in the spotlight? What if she needs stability? The kind I can’tguarantee when I could be traded to another team without warning? What if she doesn’t want to uproot herself time and time again until I—hopefully—find a home on a team for the long haul?