Page 68 of 27 Kisses

I nod, and Isaac follows him outside. When I hear Garrett’s car, I know he’s gone.

Fuck. Everything’s messed up. I’m desperately in love with Garrett. Yet a profound weight presses on my chest. Holding me down. How can I speak when I can barely breathe?

It’s been almost ten years since Emily died, and the last words she said to me are fresh in my mind.Don’t let Lanie forget me. Or our love.

“Aidyn?”

I glare at Zye. My anger helps me focus. “Don’t call me that. And someone clean this mess before Garrett gets back.”

I storm into the kitchen, trying like hell to catch my breath. But my lungs don’t want to work. My chest squeezes as if my lungs are being used as a pastry bag and someone is trying to remove every ounce of air.

God, I fucked up.

All I had to do was admit how I felt, but I let everyone believe it’s one-sided. Garrett probably hates me.

I stop at the scene before me. Vivian and Jonah are standing close together. Still fighting, if their glares are anything to go by. It reminds me of fights between Garrett and me. I clear my throat. “Get out.”

As they scurry out of the room, I add sugar and cream to my tea and stir, focusing on this simple task instead of the hole in my heart. I love Garrett. So why do I feel stuck? Unable to move forward. The pain in his eyes gutted me.

I choke back a sob. Fuck. I want what he wants. To spend time together, laughing as we pelt each other with snowballs and then warming up with hot chocolate and an even hotter shower. Garrett kissing me. On his knees with love shining in his eyes. And I fucking threw it all away. Because I’m afraid.

Footsteps warn me someone’s coming. Probably Lanie. I’ll just explain that I want to be left alone. She’ll understand.

I wipe the tears off my face and turn to face her. Only, it’s not Lanie.

“Are you okay, Christy?”

Jane. She gives me a sympathetic smile. There are a million things I could tell her. The main one being no. How the hell could I be okay after that? Instead, I focus on my tea and pretend she isn’t there.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t take the hint.

Leaning against the counter, she watches me. “You know what I regret the most about my life? What I wish I would’ve done differently?”

Bloody hell. This is the last thing I need. Leave it to Jane to make this about her. “Not choose drugs over your son?”

“Really? I expected more. That’s low-hanging fruit, my friend. If you’re going to snap at me, at least give me something original.” She doesn’t look upset, which is what I was going for. I’m angry, so she might as well be angry too. But she looks more concerned and a bit amused. I’m not sure which one bothers me more.

“Go away, Jane.”

“I mean, you’re not wrong. But the thing I really wish I would’ve done differently is… I wish I would’ve asked for help.”

“We’re done.” I’m furious. Not all of it is directed at her. Most of it isn’t directed at her. But she made herself a target. I didn’t ask her to come in and bother me. And yet she’s still just looking at me calmly while I seethe. “Plenty of people tried to help you, Jane. Including me. Especially me. You can’t blame us —”

“I’m not blaming you. I’m not blaming anyone. And yes, when they realized I was struggling, everyone tried to help me. But by then it was too late. I’m talking before then. When I realized something was wrong. I was sad all the time. Even when holding my baby. That shouldn’t fucking happen. I could’ve told Isaac. The man is a sweetheart. But I was too stubborn. Tooproud. Too sure I could fix it on my own. I told myself it was temporary. Mostly…I was ashamed.”

I sip my tea and push back any empathy I have for her. After everything—I just can’t.

“I think part of it was due to not dealing with everything that happened with Emily. You can only push things down for so long before they resurface. By the time I accepted help, it was too late. I lost faith in myself. I didn’t think I was strong enough. And I knew above all that Isaac would take care of Simon. That he was safe with his dad.”

I grip my cup so hard that it feels like it might shatter under my fingers. Some of her points strike a nerve. I know what it feels like to hold everything in. Being too proud to ask for help.

I deserve this pain—I’m the one who survived.

“I’m not doing this.” My voice is raw with emotion. I need to go. But there are too many nosy people in this house. No wonder Garrett left. I blink at the sting in my eyes.

Jane touches my arm. “I can see the same thing happening with you?—”

I slam my cup down. “We are nothing alike, Jane. Nothing.”