Page 48 of 27 Kisses
He places a kiss over my heart. “I’m not going anywhere. You can’t lose me.” His hesitation has me wondering if we’re thinking the same thing.I lost Emily.
He touches my face, brushing his fingers over my cheek. His dark eyes are full of love. “I think I’ve proven that I’ll always love you.”
“But what if I can’t— I don’t want to hurt you. I want to come out. I want to tell everyone I’m in love with a man. This man.” I cover his hand with mine and squeeze. “But once it’s out there, I can’t take it back.”
He pulls himself up until we’re face-to-face. His eyes search mine. “Why would you want to take it back?”
That’s a good question. Why would I? But the answer is right there. I expect Garrett to leave. I don’t know how or why. Maybe he’ll decide I’m too much work and go back to New York. Or maybe he’ll just work all the time. I’m not sure how to answer him.
“You don’t expect us to last?” He watches me, and I’m not sure how to reassure him. “Are you worried you’ll change your mind?”
“No, love.”
“You’re worried I’ll change my mind?”
“Not that you’ll change your mind. Just that— I can’t really explain it.”
“Fear isn’t rational, and I get that. I think that’s why I’ve been against all this Christmas stuff. It’s been a long time since I felt like I was part of a family.”
The loneliness in his voice breaks my heart. “You’re part of our family.”
He nods. “I’m there at birthdays. Celebrations. And I love having dinner with you and Lanie, but I feel like I’m still just a visitor. Always leaving and going back to myfancyhouse. But still alone.”
I kiss him. “Garrett…”
“Don’t be sad for me, Aidyn. I’ve been alone for a while. Being in Mule Creek, around you and Lanie, and even the rest: Zye and Miles, Isaac and Simon…and his prince. You’re all family. Even his bodyguard?—”
“Reginald is his steward.”
“Steward then. He’s part of the family. And now Jane and Chad…” He shakes his head. I notice he still doesn’t mention his parents. “I feel like I’m going to fuck everything up and ruin Christmas.”
“You might. But so what?” I hold his face in my hands so he can’t look away. “We all mess up. Family…real family loves you anyway.”
“Even if I don’t deserve it?” He moves away, shaking his head. “Ignore me. Let’s go back to making out.” He blinks and looks away.
My heart hurts. How can I get Garrett to see what I see? A man who will do anything for the people he loves, including sacrificing his own happiness. “Talk to me, love. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
His lips press together and he shakes his head again. I should leave it. But whatever thing he believes is hurting him, I can’t let that go.
I sit up and adjust the pillows so I can lean against the headboard. “Go on. Let’s hear it. Why don’t you deserve love? And make it convincing because I think you just want to be a grump.”
Tipping his head to look at me, he laughs. “I love you.”
“No distracting me.”
He moves around until he’s next to me, the blankets pulled up to cover his waist. Is that to keep me from getting distracted? “I’m not saying it’s logical…” I gesture for him to go on. “I was happy for you and Emily. But it hurt seeing you together. And I felt like a jackass— That’s not important. I thought distance would help. That I would meet someone, and there was a greater chance of that in New York.”
“I get it. It makes sense to me. But?” I prompt.
“But it kept me away from my family. All those years I stayed away, dealing with my shit…all those Christmases lost. When Emily died, I realized how much time I wasted. I was selfish?—”
“Self-preservation isn’t selfish.”
His jaw is tight, and I want to take away his pain. “If I’d been here, maybe I could have—” His head jerks to me, and his eyes widen. “I’m sorry, Aidyn…”
“If you’d been here, what?” I move in front of him, trying and failing to push back my anger. “You think you could have saved her? I fucking tried, Garrett.”
He gathers me into his arms. “That’s not— It’s just my guilt. I don’t blame you.”