Page 6 of You've Found Oliver

I usually keep him company on nice days like this, sitting in the grass while the clouds roll by.

Sometimes, I’ll even play music from my phone.

We never had the same taste though. He was more of a classic rock guy.

Sam and I used to fight over who got to control the speaker.

Now I miss the songs he used to play. There’s this one that’s been stuck in my head. But I can’t remember the name.

I send him another message.

I can’t remember the name of that one song you said you liked. It’s from that band with the color in their name.

The violet something?

Where the guitar goes na naa naaa and the guy’s kinda mumbling about his daughter or something like that

This is going to bother me for weeks. I wish I had a made a playlist of all his favorites.

So I could listen to them whenever I missed him.

When I first started coming here, I would talk to Sam for hours.

Update him on everything going on in my life.

But it feels like he isn’t here anymore.

Like no one is listening. That doesn’t stop me from visiting him, because I think he would do the same for me.

I stare out at the hill, watching the clouds form overhead. The weather says there’s a chance of showers. So I’ll have to keep this visit short. Maybe I’ll stop by again tomorrow. I hang around for a few more minutes before heading home.

Things are quiet when I return to my dorm.

My roommate must be at practice or something.

Ethan is on the college baseball team. He and I don’t talk very much unless he’s asking me where I put his protein powder.

But his parents paid for a flex wall to separate our beds and even installed a ceiling curtain for extra privacy.

So I can’t really complain. Especially when he was probably expecting to live alone this quarter.

Originally, my plan was to live at home the first couple of years.

That’s what Julie’s been doing to save some money.

But Mom and I moved to a one-bedroom apartment after she left my stepdad, and the place is too small for the both of us.

At least I’m getting the traditional experience of living on campus, even though I’m only a short walk from home.

I sit at the foot of my bed and text Sam again.

Just got back to my dorm

the white roses are from me btw

Out of habit, I scroll through all the messages I’ve sent him.

Paragraphs upon paragraphs with no response.

I know this can’t go on forever, but there’s something comforting about it.

I’ve managed to keep this a secret from everyone.

I haven’t even told Julie about it. I wonder what she would say if she found out.

“It’s time to let him go, Oliver. Sam would want that for us. ”

Sometimes, it feels like everyone else has moved on with their lives.

They even took down the picture of him on our school’s website.

Meanwhile, his things are everywhere in my room, covering it like handprints.

His plaid shirt on the back of my desk chair.

The photo of us on the edge of my mirror.

Tomorrow will be exactly one year since his accident.

I’d promised myself the messages would have stopped by now. That I would finally say goodbye.

But I don’t know if I’m ready to give this up yet. After thinking it over, I decide to write to him one last time. Give him a proper goodbye.

I’m sure you noticed I’ve been texting you more recently

Maybe you already guessed why

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since you died. It feels weird to even write it out. I don’t think I’ve said the words out loud yet

Some days have been harder than others. Writing these texts helps me forget you’re gone. But it’s starting to feel like I’m talking to myself. That you’re not reading them anymore

You know, Julie keeps telling me you’d want us to move on. I’m sure she’s right. In a different universe, I never lost you. Sadly that’s not the one I’m living in

I think about you every second

But it’s time to let you go

So this will probably be the last message from me

Goodbye Sam

Sorry it took me a year to say this

I’ll miss you more than you know

I read over the final message before hitting send.

I should delete his number, too. Otherwise I’ll end up texting him again in a moment of weakness. I pull up Sam’s contact information. As I press the delete button, a prompt appears on my screen with his name in bold letters.

Are you sure you want to delete Sam Obayashi ?

My finger hesitates over the screen. This is somehow harder than I imagined. Sam is already gone, I remind myself. It’s only a number on my phone. So just delete it already.

But I can’t seem to press the button. It feels like I’m erasing him from my life. And I can’t do that to him. So I hit cancel instead.

That’s when I hear something. A ringing coming from the phone. I must have accidently called the number. I should probably end the call. For some reason, I let it continue. Maybe it will go to his voicemail. Should I leave him one last goodbye message?

Suddenly, someone answers the phone.

“Hello?” says a male voice.

Time goes still for a moment. I must have imagined that, right? Because it couldn’t be…

“Sam?”