Page 38 of You've Found Oliver

Millions of light years away, two giant black holes have fallen in love.

As they move closer together, they become locked in a celestial dance, creating invisible waves that spread throughout the universe.

Their love is so powerful that, for a brief moment, they outshine everything else in the cosmos as they merge together to become one.

Their energy travels for all of eternity, sending ripples across time and space, distorting the fabric of reality itself.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought of time as a string of pearls.

A collection of individual moments connected in a perfect, chronological order that begins in the past. But maybe the past doesn’t actually move farther away as you move through time.

Maybe memories are not pearls at all, but stars scattered across the universe, some shining more brightly than others, creating constellations that we get to map for ourselves.

I imagine different versions of me out there, drawing different constellations. Maybe some of them connect at certain points, crossing into each other as time stretches and flows around us.

When I wake up in the morning, something has changed. Sunlight bounces like water on the ceiling. I lie there for a moment, allowing my eyes to adjust themselves. Then the world comes into focus.

Plaid sheets. A stack of books against the wall. A curtain that divides the room in half.

I’m in my dorm again. That means I’ve made it back to my own timeline. I blink a few times, to make sure I’m not dreaming. Then I push myself up and take in the rest of the room. I don’t have to look outside to know it’s spring. I can smell the flowers and freshly cut grass from the opened window.

Then I remember Ben.

I search for my phone. He usually texts me first thing in the morning. There are a couple text notifications. But none of them are from him. Maybe he’s still sleeping. I have to tell him I made it back to home.

But something is wrong. All my messages with him are gone. Did I delete them all by accident? For a moment, I think my phone is still broken, but everything else seems to be working fine again.

As I’m searching for them, I notice something else.

Ben’s name isn’t in my contacts. What happened to our conversations these past few months?

All I can find are the old messages I sent to Sam.

I try sending a message anyway, but it doesn’t seem to go through.

What happened? How am I supposed to reach him now?

My mind goes back to last night. I knew there was a chance we might not see each other again, but I hoped our messages would still work. I thought maybe we could still text each other.

Does this mean our connection has ended for good?

I don’t even know if he read my message from last night. I stare at the phone for a long moment. Maybe this is only a temporary glitch? I send him a few more messages hoping they go through eventually.

But nothing changes the next day. Or the day after that.

I wish I could wait around for him. Time continues to move forward.

I return to my spring classes. Everything appears to be normal again.

It takes a few days to adjust to my schedule, but I manage to turn in my final papers on time.

To my surprise, I do a little better than I expected.

That’s likely because of all the time I’ve had to myself lately.

I’m particularly proud of the feedback I received from Professor Clarke.

I’m already planning to take more of her classes.

She even says I could be one of her TAs next year.

The cherry blossoms are all gone, signaling the end of the season. I keep hoping to wake up to a text from Ben. Any sign from the universe, letting me know he’s trying to reach me, too. There’s nothing but the memories of the last few months.

Just when I’m starting to believe it was all a dream, I find some of his things in my room. The pen he stole from the diner. His brown jacket that I never returned. This means it was all real. I couldn’t have imagined everything, right?

But the days turn into weeks. Then a few months go by without a word from Ben. Once in a while, I’ll send him another message.

I miss you

I hope everything’s well

How long will it be until I hear from you?

Sometimes, I wonder if I made a mistake. Then I imagine him living his life to the fullest, achieving everything that was meant for him. I hope he reapplied to the fellowship he wanted.

I’m doing better myself these days. I know I don’t need to have everything figured out yet, but I joined a few clubs at school, including ultimate frisbee, which Rami recommended for making new friends.

I’m also leaning toward majoring in philosophy.

In a lot of ways, Ben inspired that. He was pursuing something he truly loved.

Sometimes, I wish I could tell him about everything.

Update him on how my life is going. I’m sure he would be proud of me, too.

Eventually, Julie returns home for the summer.

We spend the days catching up on everything.

Maybe it’s all in my head, but she has a certain glow now.

Her hair is lighter, and she’s nearly finished writing her book.

Apparently, she has a character named after me.

Being away from Ellensburg was truly the best decision for her.

She’s made several new friends who I got to meet over video call.

We take a weekend trip to the coast before she goes off to Reed.

Thankfully, it’s only a few hours away from here, so we can visit each other often.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Ben.

Occasionally, I look up him up online. He’s still not active on social media, so there’s not much to find.

Only the same articles that I’ve read before.

Sometimes, I wonder if this version of him would recognize me.

Aren’t we connected in some cosmic way? I’m sure he would have reached out by now if that was true.

Every now and then, I take the bus to Seattle for the afternoon.

I walk around the busy streets, hoping to bump into him.

I even stop by all his favorite places, including the park near his apartment.

Maybe I’ll find him reading on the bench and we’ll strike up a conversation.

But I never see him. It’s possible he doesn’t even live there anymore.

I still glance at my phone, always hoping to see a message from him. As more time passes, I realize they’re never coming. So I eventually stop waiting for them.

Of course, it doesn’t mean I forget about him. The memories I keep of us feel like yesterday. I hope he knows how strong my love is. I would search the universe, across different timelines, just to catch another glimpse of him.

Sometimes, I feel sad about losing him. Then I remember how lucky we are. Of all the infinite possibilities out there, we chose each other. Maybe our time together was shorter than we both wanted, but I am forever changed by it. Everywhere I go, I find more reasons to miss him.

I miss him when I listen to music and one of our songs comes on.

I miss him when someone calls my name and, for a split second, I think it could be him.

I miss him when I’m walking alone through town and pass the bakery that closed down.

And I miss him every time I look up and see the stars freckled across the night sky.

There’s a quote from The Poetics of Space that sticks with me.

Professor Clarke wrote it on the board on the last day of class.

“It is better to live in a state of impermanence than in one of finality.” —Gaston Bachelard

I’ve been thinking about this more lately, especially as I look back on my life.

As much as we want to, we can’t control time or keep it from moving forward.

Sometimes, we have to embrace the changes that come with it.

Maybe there’s something beautiful about that, living with the uncertainty of what’s to come.

You never know what possibilities will be born out of it.

But some things will always be certain. Like the sun rising in the morning.

Or the leaves falling in the autumn and the cherry blossoms returning in the spring.

That he and I will always be connected. And who knows?

Maybe we’ll see each other again in twenty-nine years, when the comet passes once more, sending streaks of light across the sky.

I hope he still remembers me then.