Page 36 of You've Found Oliver

Somewhere in another universe, Ben and I are lying in the field together.

The sun is shining overhead as the grass rolls around us like ocean waves.

There are no classes, seasons, or highways that separate us.

Only a few centimeters of mountain air as his arm gently brushes mine.

Time doesn’t really move in this universe, allowing us to lie there forever, staring up at the clouds.

I wish I could somehow wake up to that one.

It’s a two-hour drive to Seattle. Hopefully there’s not much traffic on the way. I sent Ben a message beforehand. He should see it by the time I arrive. Sam’s phone has one percent battery left. I take out the charger Julie gave me and plug it in.

There are a few other things inside the plastic bag, including a burned CD. Haven’t touched one of these in a while. There’s something written on it. Sam & Ollie’s Graduation Playlist . For a second, I wonder if I misread. Was this found inside his car with the rest of his things?

Sam must have made it for our road trip to the senior bonfire, but I don’t remember listening to it before. We were always arguing about the music. I probably convinced him to play something of mine instead. Luckily, the car actually has a CD player, so I put it inside and turn up the volume.

The first song opens with a strong set of drums. “Bed of Roses” by the Screaming Trees.

One of Sam’s favorite bands of all time.

I imagine him tapping away at the dashboard with his fingers.

I let the music play as I drive along the highway.

I haven’t heard these songs in ages. Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Air Supply.

Each one brings back a different memory.

Almost like a hand on my shoulder, asking me to look back in time.

For a moment, it feels like he’s sitting in the car beside me.

My mind flashes back to that day. The two of us driving along this same road with the windows rolled halfway down…

Sam is wearing his corduroy blue jacket.

He looks at me from the passenger seat and says, “If you keep going this slow, we won’t get there for”—he pretends to check his watch—“three and a half business days.”

“Listen, Sam.” I squeeze the steering wheel. “If you wanted to drive, you should have said something before we left, okay?”

“How was I supposed to know you were gonna go forty in a sixty ?” He gestures at the speed limit sign that we’re conveniently passing at just the right moment.

“First of all, I’m going forty-five. Secondly, I’m sorry if I want to keep everyone safe.”

“Oliver, we’re the only two people on the road.”

“There are signs for deer crossing .”

Sam folds his arms across his chest. “Fine, we’ll be late for the deer.”

“Thank you for understanding. Now roll up the window, it’s getting cold.”

“Okay, Mom.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Sam laughs as I focus on my driving. The music continues on low volume.

It’s been a while since we’ve had some time to ourselves.

Sam stares out the window for a moment. “Do you know what I’ve been thinking about a lot?

” He turns back to look at me. “How much everything is going to change. After we graduate, I mean. Do you think about that, too?”

“I guess so? I’m sure some things will change. I don’t know about everything though.” After all, we’ll still be living in Ellensburg. Central Washington is only a stone’s throw from our high school.

“I feel like a lot of people are leaving this year,” Sam says. “Even Spencer’s going to Pullman. And you know Julie wants to leave.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, let’s be honest. She never liked it here.” Frankly, I’m surprised she never moved back to Seattle to live with her dad. I’m sure Sam was probably the reason for that.

“I’m gonna go with her.”

“As in like, to visit?”

“No. I’m moving with her.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I was thinking of taking a year off,” he says. “Maybe even two. There are a lot more opportunities for me in Portland. And you don’t really need a degree to pursue a music career.”

“And when did you decide this?”

“A few months ago. Julie and I have talked about it a lot. But nothing’s concrete yet. We’re still waiting for her to hear back from Reed.”

“I thought we were going to Central together.” I don’t know what else to say. We planned this years ago. I can’t believe he’s throwing this out of left field.

“That was our default. Everyone just goes there,” he says, shrugging. “Maybe we should think beyond it, right? I mean, what’s keeping us here anyway? Besides our families and stuff. I know we planned to stay for college, but maybe we’re meant to do something else.”

I say nothing.

“I hope you’re not mad. You don’t have to stay, either, you know?”

I scoff. “And where would I go?”

“Maybe you should think about it,” Sam says.

“Life’s too short to stay in one place, waiting for things to happen.

But I get it though. Going to the same places, seeing the same people.

There’s something nice about that. I don’t want to wake up one day and feel like I’m not living the life I’m supposed to live.

Just because staying here was more comfortable.

Sometimes, you need to take that risk.” He lets me take this in.

“You know what they say. We can’t stay in the past forever. ”

Sam’s words echo through me.

I wish you got the chance to go. I wish you got the chance to live out that life.

A car zooms past my window, pulling me back to myself. I turn my head and glance at the empty passenger seat. For a moment, it felt like Sam was actually there. I wasn’t expecting to be hit with this vivid memory. Maybe this music is too much for right now.

I’m about to take out the CD when a new song comes on, filling the car with a familiar guitar.

It takes me a few seconds to recognize it.

“Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell. My body goes still for a second.

It’s one of Ben’s favorite songs. I’d forgotten that he and Sam had this in common.

Tears are forming in my eyes, but I hold them back and keep my eyes on the road.

Joni Mitchell’s voice rings through me. I never realized how beautiful the lyrics are.

It’s life’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know life at all

I think about the first night Ben and I spent together.

We were lying on his bed, listening to this song play from the living room.

I remember falling asleep, wishing we could wake up next to each other.

Now here I am, living in his timeline. These past few weeks have brought us so much closer.

I don’t want to imagine a world without Ben in it.

Maybe I should just stay here so we can be together.

After all, I’ve already lost someone I love. I don’t want to lose him, too.

But what would our future look like? He already lost his fellowship because of me, even though he won’t admit that to himself.

Who knows what other opportunities he might miss.

I don’t want to hold him back from accomplishing his dreams. Not to mention, I’m now doing worse in my classes, too.

I’m skipping another one right now to go see him.

I think back to the article I found about Ben winning the fellowship.

I want him to be the best version of himself.

Maybe that doesn’t include me. At least, not right now anyway.

I cross the bridge into Seattle. The sun burns low over the familiar skyline as I drive into the city. Ben just texted me back. He should be out of office hours soon. We’re going to meet somewhere on campus. I find an empty spot on the street and park the car. There’s another message from him.

Are you here?

I’m at the department building

Just parked the car. I can meet you there

I slide my hands in my pockets and cut through the quad. My breath fogs as I move through the crowd of students in winter coats. I’ve been here enough times to know my way there without directions. As the redbrick building comes into view, someone calls my name from above.

“Oliver.”

Ben smiles down at me from the roof. I smile and wave back at him.

Then I head inside and press the button for the elevator.

We were just stargazing last night. I wasn’t expecting to see him again this soon.

When I get to the roof, Ben is adjusting a telescope that’s angled toward the sky.

His face lights up the second he turns around.

I kiss his lips and say, “Sorry for the surprise visit.”

“What are you apologizing for? You know I like surprises.”

I smile again. Then I glance at the telescope. “What’s all this for?”

“I’m actually glad you came. I wanted to show you something.” Ben brushes back his hair and checks the eyepiece. “I was trying to find Roy’s Comet again, but it’s a little too bright right now.”

I think back to last night. “Is the sky still looking weird?”

“Not that I can tell,” he says.

I wonder what that could mean. Maybe the other timeline really is closing. “I might have figured out how to go back,” I tell him.

Ben looks at me. “Really? How?”

“I’m actually not completely sure,” I admit. “There was something wrong with my phone before, but I finally switched to a different one. Look at the date on the screen.” I hand over the phone to him.

Ben reads the screen. “It says April.”

“My old phone never showed that before.”

“Interesting. Maybe that means it’s still connected somehow.”

“I guess we’ll find out soon.” I swallow my breath. “To be honest, I’m a little scared about it.”

“Scared of what?”

“Losing you.”

“Why would you lose me?”

A cold breeze blows across the rooftop. I almost don’t want to say it out loud. “What if the connection closes this time and we can’t see each other again…”

Ben takes this in for a moment. “I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about this,” he says in a soft voice.

“That this could all end at some point, given how impossible it seemed to begin with. For a while, I wondered if I would stop hearing from you one day. I thought this might be temporary, like most other things in the world. When I woke up that one morning and realized you were still here, I thought maybe we could actually make this work. That we could stay together and just be happy.” He touches my face.

“But I don’t want to make you stay. Especially if you want to go back. ”

I’ve thought about this a million times, too.

“It’s not exactly that I want to go back.

But I think I need to. And maybe those two things aren’t always the same.

” I take his hands in mine. His eyes are beautiful in the golden light.

“Listen, Ben. I wish I could spend every second with you, but I’ve also seen what your life looks like without me in it.

You deserve the world. I don’t want to get in the way of that. ”

“You’re not getting in the way,” he says.

“We both know that’s not completely true. You’re the best thing to happen to me in a long time, but I think we each need to focus on ourselves for the moment.” I smile at him. “Who knows, maybe we’ll get another chance at this later on.”

“And what if we don’t?”

“Then I’ll search every universe to find you.” I lean forward, pressing my lips against his. His hands are warm around my neck. The sun continues to fade, casting shadows on the roof. Unfortunately, I can’t stay for too long. I pull away and say, “I have to get back home soon.”

“But you just got here,” Ben says.

“I know, but there’s something important I need to fix.”

The light in his eyes dims. “This could be the last time I see you…”

There’s a chance nothing will happen at all, so maybe we’re worrying for no reason. But I have to say goodbye just in case. That’s the reason I came here. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and regret leaving without seeing him one more time.

I take his hands, lace our fingers together.

“Remember what you said yesterday, about the probability of us choosing each other from all the timelines out there? I think that is beautiful, but I think I’m right, too.

That we will always be connected somehow.

And if that’s true, maybe we’ll find each other again. ”

“Maybe you’re right about that,” he says.

I kiss Ben longer, as if it’s our last time. I hope I’m not making a mistake. Why would the universe connect us just to have us say goodbye in the end? Hopefully, this won’t be the end of our story.

I wish I could stay with him longer, but there’s someone else I need to see before I go.