Page 36 of Write Me For You

June

I coughed and coughed until nothing else came up, and Jesse rubbed my back. Immunotherapy, phase two was well underway, and the effects this time were far worse. We were on higher doses, and we could tell.

As if on cue, Jesse began to vomit into his bucket.

“You’re doing good, guys,” Chris said, from his recliner, like our very own cheerleader.

Jesse threw him a thumbs-up in response—that even sweating and uncomfortable, he found time for humor, made me smile.

I looked at Emma, who had grown quiet over the past hour. “Are you okay, Em?”

“I’m just aching everywhere ,” she said, but her cheeks were bright red, and she didn’t look well. “I hate this.” She breathed out a sigh, and we were all quiet as Bailey came for our sick buckets and made sure we were okay.

He felt Emma’s forehead and frowned. “I’ll be back in a minute,” he said, and Jesse and I shared a look of concern.

The other group had stayed in their bedrooms for this cycle so far, but Chemo Club was determined to remain strong in our movie room. Lord of the Rings played in the background, and I did my best to focus on one of my favorite film franchises. But then Bailey came back with a thermometer.

When it beeped loudly, he crouched and said, “Time to get you to your room so Dr. Duncan can check you over, Emma. You’re running a fever and we need to monitor you closely.”

“Great,” she said, and I reached for her hand.

She was scalding to the touch. “Are you okay?”

“You know the drill, June. Meds and sleep and I’ll be back tomorrow for Return of the King . Sorry I’m missing our BFF time.” I waved her off and smiled supportively as Bailey helped her to her feet. We watched her walk back to her room. Fevers were just another side effect of the treatment.

“We’ll check on her later, when she’s settled,” Chris said. He rubbed his head. None of us were feeling great today.

I was calling it. “We need to break up Chemo Club for today,” I said, just as Jesse began to wretch again.

Chris looked at Jesse worriedly but then nodded. “I’ll see you both later. We can regroup and see Emma in a few hours, yeah?”

“Sounds like a plan,” I said, as Jesse gave Chris another thumbs-up.

Putting his bucket down, Jesse shifted off his recliner.

I joined him, and slowly and painfully, we made our way down the hallway, hand in sweaty hand.

But Jesse didn’t stop at his room; instead, he followed me into mine. I raised a playful brow at him.

“Your mom and dad are away tonight…” He trailed off.

I squeezed his hand, and we walked into my room. We laid on my bed.

“Junebug, I think this is the kinkiest thing we’ve ever done,” Jesse joked, pointing to our bedside sick buckets. I wanted to laugh, but as soon as my head hit the pillow, my eyelids dragged down, and I fell asleep.

Suddenly, I woke with a start. The room was pitch-black. My heart was beating fast, and I quickly leaned over to turn on the lamp. Jesse was beside me, and he blinked awake with the glare of the light.

When I heard footsteps running along the hallway outside, I knew that must have been what had awoken me.

Jesse sat up in alarm. We could hear the muffled sounds of people frantically shouting orders.

As quickly as I could, I threw the blanket off me and got to my feet.

Jesse did the same and rushed for the door.

As we popped our heads into the hallway to see what was happening, we saw Chris rushing toward us. One look at his face had my heart dropping.

“It’s Emma,” he said, and I felt like the world came to a halt. Just those two words were filled with dread and fear and apprehension all rolled into one.

I couldn’t speak, fear wrapping around me. We all began walking as fast as we could down the hallway toward her room.

“I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep, so went to see if she was okay,” Chris said.

“But when I got there, it was mayhem.” He swallowed, gasping for a steadying breath, and I felt like my heart was being crushed in a vise.

“There were doctors and nurses, and then…” Chris choked on his words, and I tried to stop him from spiraling with my hand on his arm.

“They called her parents, June. The doctors. And they were… distraught .”

I wrapped my arms around Chris, and he collapsed into my arms.

A heartbreaking wail echoed down the hallway…

from Emma’s room. I felt like my heart stopped beating when another sounded, and I walked, a boulder in my throat, to Emma’s room.

The wail came again, and when I looked inside, it was to see Emma’s parents standing over her on the bed.

Her mama was screaming, and her dad had his forehead pressed to the back of her hand… a hand that was limp.

My vision blurred. Emma had a tube down her throat and IV wires coming from her arms that must have been filled with fluids to help her.

Dr. Duncan was in the corner of the room, hand on his forehead as he stared at a chart.

Susan and Bailey saw us in the doorway, and one look at their faces told me everything I needed to know.

She had died—Emma, my best friend…was dead.

“No,” I whispered, shaking my head, refusing to believe the truth before me.

Emma’s mama lifted her head, and her devastated expression would live in my mind for eternity. “She’s gone, June. My baby has gone .” I shook my head over and over in. Just hours ago, we had been joking and watching movies. I’d told her I’d see her later. We’d missed out on our BFF time.

“No,” I said again, then fell backward just as someone caught me. I knew it was Jesse. I would recognize the comfort of his arms anywhere.

“Junebug,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. I turned to him to see him crying too. Then I turned to Chris. He was still, locked in the nightmare before us.

“Chris,” I said, but he couldn’t hear me. He was just staring at our friend, unmoving on the bed.

“I came to make sure she was okay,” he said numbly. “To sit with her some while she got over her fever.” Chris turned to me, desolation in his expression. “She wanted to watch Return of the King tomorrow. She was looking forward to it. She’d never seen it before.”

A pained cry ripped from my throat, and I felt my knees give out beneath me. Bailey and Susan rushed toward us and helped Jesse get me to the nearby living room. Bailey placed me on a chair, and Jesse sat beside me.

Chris was still in the doorway, staring at Emma on the bed.

“She isn’t gone,” I whispered, denial coming in thick and strong. “It’s a mistake. She can’t be gone. She was getting better. Her treatment was working. She’s my best friend.”

I turned to Jesse, whose face was pale, his forest-green eyes glassy. He wasn’t saying anything.

I grabbed his hand. “She was getting better. Emma was responding to the treatment. She was going to live .” My voice broke on that word.

“She was going to live,” I repeated, hands shaking.

I held on to Jesse like I would never let go.

His grip was just as tight in mine. “We were going to go to college and visit each other.”

“Baby,” Jesse whispered and pulled me to his chest.

I broke then. In Jesse’s safe hold, I shattered, my chest raw with how much I was crying. The chair dipped beside me, and when I looked up, Chris was there, staring at the wall. I threw my arms around him—and he broke then too.

With the sound of Emma’s mama and daddy crying over her still body, the three of us crumbled from the loss of our friend. Susan and Bailey didn’t leave our sides, silent supports.

Sometime later, Chris’s parents turned up, and they all ended up on the floor, Chris in their arms. Time stilled in our bubble of shock and grief. I didn’t know how many hours passed, but Jesse held me through them all. Strong and solid and letting me fall apart.

“June, Jesse, Chris?” Susan moved before us.

I blinked up at her. My eyes felt swollen, my throat sore, and my body exhausted.

“Emma’s parents have left for a while, to take counsel with Pastor Noel.”

Emma’s door was closed, a candle lit outside to signify there’d been a loss inside. I hadn’t even noticed her parents leave.

“They wanted me to let you know that if y’all wanted to, you can go on in and say your goodbyes.”

Neenee appeared beside us. “I’m so sorry,” she said, and I could see that she too had been crying. Emma was so loved.

“What happened?” Jesse asked.

“She had sepsis,” Neenee said. “With her immunity compromised from treatment, when she got this infection, she couldn’t fight it. Her passing was quick.”

I couldn’t make myself believe it.

“You should go and say your goodbyes,” Chris’s mama said. “You’ll be glad you did.”

Neenee held out her hand for me, helping me to stand.

As I did, she crushed me to her chest. I hadn’t even noticed feeling sick or tired, as shock, adrenaline, and sorrow had kept the effects of our treatment at bay.

Fresh tears trailed down my cheeks as Neenee held me.

When I pulled back, Jesse took hold of my hand.

He was shaking. I cast him a watery smile.

Chris walked behind us as we approached Emma’s door.

Jesse opened it, and we stepped inside. The room was still and quiet. And I didn’t know how to explain it, but it already felt like her soul was no longer there. There was no vibrancy, no life to the air, not even the distant echo of her sweet laugh.

Chris shut the door behind us, and I finally let myself turn to the bed. Emma looked so beautiful, like she was just asleep. Her head was free of her headscarf and her face was clean. The tube in her throat and the wires in her arms were gone. She was dressed in clean cream-colored pajamas.

She looked at peace.

My sobs came thick and fast as I sat on the edge of the bed and took hold of her hand. It still felt warm, but there was no holding my hand back, no squeeze and no smile stretching on her lips. I lowered my head and kissed the back of her hand.

“You were meant to live,” I said. “You were winning, Em. You were racing toward remission.” Chris sat on Emma’s other side, holding her other hand, and Jesse sat behind me. He put his hand on her leg, and all of us were holding her—just like we’d been doing for each other since we’d arrived.

We sat that way for a while in silence. Then Chris spoke.

“You are my best friend, Em,” he said, his voice breaking.

“Who’s gonna bust my balls now? Who’s gonna meet my sarcasm in only the way that you can?

” He choked on his words, then kissed her hand.

“We’re gonna be Aggies together.” He gestured at me and Jesse with his head. “Rivals to these two at UT.”

I laughed, but it turned to sobs.

“Not sure how I’ll get through the rest of this without you,” Chris said. His head bowed and his shoulders began to shake.

Jesse said, “I’m gonna miss you, Em. It shouldn’t have gone this way. It wasn’t meant to have gone this way.” I turned to him and the tears tracking down his cheeks. I leaned against him and melted into his chest.

Holding tightly to Emma’s hand, I began to speak. “I’m going to miss you, Emma. So much that I can barely cope.” I took a deep breath, then simply whispered, “You were meant to live.”

We sat with her for two hours, until Neenee opened the door and told us it was time to leave. I held on to her until the final minute. I didn’t want to let go because then this would be real. I wanted it to be just a nightmare.

When Neenee came in, I stood to kiss Emma’s forehead. “Thank you for showing me what a best friend is, Emma,” I whispered into her ear. “You were a blessing to me.”

Then Emma’s mama and daddy came back and gave all of us a hug. It was real. This was real.

She had gone.

My best friend had gone.

And I wasn’t sure how I’d ever move on.