Page 29 of Write Me For You

“I’m gonna reach remission and get to UT this year.

I’ll get my weight back on and my fitness up.

You’ll see,” I said, and I could hear the desperation in my voice.

I wanted to tell myself to stop talking, but it all came spilling out.

“I’m gonna play for the Longhorns, Banks.

So, get ready. I’ll be there in the summer for preseason. ”

Banks stepped away, and I could tell he just wanted to get the fuck away from me.

“That’s great, bro,” he said, then pointed his thumb over his shoulder at Williams. “I’d better be getting back.

” He backed away farther and farther until he said, “It was good to see you, Jesse. I hope the treatment goes well.”

Banks turned and ran back to Williams—who should have been my future teammate too.

Coach recruited another QB in your place…

Banks talked in low tones to Williams. They looked over at me, and I turned and moved toward my friends. But I was shaken. Rocked.

Preseason is brutal, man…

I knew it was brutal. I knew it would take all I had to get there and be able to participate. But I could do it. I knew I could.

But Banks didn’t. He looked at me like I was insane .

I glanced down at my hands. They were shaking, and for a moment, they didn’t seem like mine. Is this why June did it? Did she no longer feel like herself in those moments?

I couldn’t get my heart to calm down. But as I approached my friends, I forced a smile.

“Jesse!” Chris said and waved me over. “ Die Hard . Christmas film or not?”

I lowered to the blanket they’d laid out, sitting beside June. I jumped when her hand touched my leg. I met her eyes and saw concern quickly fill their depths.

“You shocked me,” I said, hoping I sounded normal. But when I turned back to Chris and felt June’s attention remain on me, I knew she’d seen through me. She always did.

“Christmas film,” I said, trying to not let myself fall into the sinkhole that was opening up inside of me. My throat was thick with emotion, and it took everything I had to not crumble and let the tears flow.

Banks was told I was gonna die.

Coach had lost faith in my remission.

The feel of June lifting and threading her hand through mine was almost my undoing. She laid her head on my arm. But I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t even look at her, because then she’d know. She’d know I’d just had the rug pulled out from underneath me.

“It is not!” Emma shrieked. “Just because it’s at Christmastime, a Christmas movie it does not make! Ugh!” She turned to June. “June, tell me you agree.”

“I haven’t seen it, sorry,” June said, trying for normalcy too. But I heard the worry in her voice. Worry that something was wrong with me.

There was. It was all wrong—everything was going so fucking wrong.

Ten percent suddenly felt impossible .

“June, you’re no help, girl,” Emma said, and the conversation around me faded.

I froze, trapped in the hell that was my plummeting determination.

Who was I if not a football player? I had June, I wanted June, but I needed football too. I wanted both.

“Baby?” June said, rubbing my arm. I looked to June, seeing Chris and Emma shooting concerned looks my way too. “We’re gonna take a walk. Are you coming?”

“Nah,” I said. My eyes found Banks and Williams. They were casually throwing a football back and forth. I rotated my arm and had to grit my teeth at how much it hurt.

I couldn’t throw a football at all now. I’d tried to accept it over the past few weeks, but now it was smacking me in the face. I wanted to play for the Longhorns, and I couldn’t even throw a damn ball.

“I’ll stay too,” June said.

“No!” I said a bit too forcefully.

June’s brown eyes widened in shock.

I pasted on another smile. “Go, Junebug. Take a walk. I’m…” I picked at the grass beside me. “I’m just tired.”

“Then we’ll all stay,” Chris said, nodding at me.

Suddenly, my anger fell away and all that remained was gutting desperation. “No,” I rasped. “Please, go.”

June nodded, and Emma and Chris got up and walked to the trail that would take them through the rest of Zilker Park.

June inched closer, putting her hand on my shoulder. “Jesse?”

“Please, Junebug,” I said, fighting back tears. “Just go for a walk. I’m okay.”

“No, you’re?—”

“ Please ,” I begged.

Her hand froze on my shoulder. When it slowly slipped off, I wanted to grab my girl and crush her to me—tell her everything that happened and beg her to make me feel better. Because I was sure only she could.

But I was falling the fuck apart, and if I did, I would finally have to reveal all of me and explain, that at times, I was all kinds of fucked up.

“Call me if you need me,” June said and got up.

I watched her walk, and a flicker of pride sparked in my chest for my girl when she kept her head high, even walking past people who stared at her—at the most perfect girl in the world who was fighting with all her strength just to make it to eighteen.

When June turned back and looked at me, the expression on her face cut me. I gave her a small wave, one of reassurance, but my girl wasn’t reassured about anything.

Laughter sailed from behind me and I turned to watch Banks and Williams shooting the shit, not a care in the world.

And I stayed that way, wondering what that kind of cancer-freedom would feel like. I couldn’t remember anymore.

I just watched them from my place under a copse of trees so my chemo-wrecked skin wouldn’t burn.

Bailey found me and ensured I drank the orange sludge. I didn’t even taste it as it went down.

When Chris, June, and Emma returned, I laid down and closed my eyes, feigning sleep. They had to have known it was bullshit, but they didn’t say anything.

An hour later, we loaded onto the bus. June didn’t say a word as she sat beside me and held my hand. I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes. If June saw a tear escape and fall down my cheek, she didn’t say anything.

“We going to the rec room?” Chris asked when we got off the bus.

I shook my head and walked to my room.

“I’ll go with him,” I heard June say. Her footsteps sounded like thunder behind me. I just needed to be alone. I needed to speak to my mom and my high school coach. I needed to know what was happening.

“Jesse,” June called as I walked into my room. She slipped inside, but when I turned to her and saw her worried face, I couldn’t cope.

“I need to be alone,” I said.

June reared her head back—I’d stunned her. I never wanted time apart from her, and I didn’t now. I just didn’t want her affected by the emptiness that was trying to pull me down.

“Jesse, please,” she begged. “What did that guy say to you?”

“June,” I whispered, “please leave me alone.”

“I don’t want to,” she said boldly. “I don’t think you should be.”

“I need to be!” I said, my voice slightly raised.

This time, her mouth dropped open in shock. I felt like the world’s biggest dick. June was perfect, and I’d just shouted at her. But I couldn’t help it. I was drowning, and I didn’t want to pull her down with me.

“Just go… I’m begging you,” I said, and June’s eyes filled with tears. She waited for me to change my mind, but when I just stared at her, she nodded and slipped out of my room.

The sudden silence was deafening. Pulling my cell from my pocket, I called my coach. “Jesse?” my high school coach answered. “How are you doing, son?”

“Has UT recruited someone else in my place?” Loud silence was Coach’s only response. I sank to my bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered.

“Because we didn’t want it to break you, son.

We didn’t want you to lose your will to fight.

” I looked out the window at dusk settling in.

Everything felt dark now. “Your spot on the team is still there, as is your scholarship, but the UT coach needed to make sure he had the depth he needed in his quarterbacks. You’re not out for the count, Jesse, but he had to make sure his team is as strong as possible for next season. ”

“It was always impossible, wasn’t it?” I said. “A pipe dream. I was never gonna be able to recover in time for next season. I was foolish.” I released a self-deprecating laugh. “And y’all knew it and let me pretend.”

“We all need something to get us through, Jesse. You were determined.” Coach cleared his throat.

“You’re the most talented player I’ve ever had the privilege of coaching.

And maybe it is too late for you to get healthy for next season.

But you’re only seventeen. There’s the season after.

And I know Coach Higgins. He believes in you as much as I do—as much as we all do. ”

Tears tracked down my cheeks.

“Son, you’re a football player. And a damn good one at that. You know it’s not over until it’s over. And the Jesse I know would keep fighting. You hear me?”

“I only have a ten percent chance of survival,” I said, my heart feeling really heavy. It was hard to always be positive. “The treatment isn’t working—might never work and then I’m all out of options.”

“You can do this, Jesse,” Coach said, and I knew that my mom must have told him already.

But I nodded, needing to hear it. My chest ached. It was times like this when I really wished I had a dad, that my dad had loved me enough to stick around and help me through rough waters. My old friend rejection infiltrated my veins. “Thanks, Coach,” I found myself saying. “I’m gonna go now.”

“You’re gonna be okay, Jesse,” he said. “I believe it.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Bye.” I hung up and laid down on my bed. I pulled the comforter over me and switched off my lamp. I couldn’t move and just wanted the world to disappear for a while.

No, that wasn’t true. I wanted Junebug. Guilt clawed at my conscience. I’d chased her away. The first person except my mom and sisters to ever love me unconditionally, who had fought for me, chased after me to make sure I was okay—and I’d sent her away.

Getting to my feet, I pulled my comforter with me and went onto the porch. Ginger was staring at me like he wanted to jump the fence and sit with me some. But there was only one person my soul was crying out for. So I sat down at her porch door to wait until she came back.

I’d beg for her forgiveness, but at this point, I felt like June and her love for me was the only thing that was tethering me to this world.