Page 23 of Wrap Around (Forbidden Goals #7)

It was a normal Saturday men’s Bible study.

The leaders of our church, including Pastor Shepherd and my father, were discussing the news as if it was a blessing, as if God himself were finally taking a stand against lifestyles they found abhorrent.

I think I'd wanted some reassurance that my father and friends wouldn't hate me if they ever found out about the secret I'd been harboring.

I didn't think it was fair to paint an entire community as predators and deviants just because they were different.

That, in fact, there were no statistics to back up those claims. Why were we picking on the LGBTQ+ community when there was actual documented abuse concerning the clergy in various religious institutions?

Maybe instead of passing judgment, we should let people live their lives and turn our attention to real problems.

That hadn't gone over well. First, he'd berated me in front of most of the men in our congregation, including Pastor Shepherd. Then he'd sent me home to wait for him. I knew I had it coming.

Afterwards, I'd limped off to lick my wounds somewhere safe. Somewhere I could be alone. I'd stared into the water like I was waiting for it all to just end already. Or maybe for someone to come save me, find all the broken pieces of me and try to put them back together.

And she did. Lily found me. She sat beside me and opened a first aid kit and tended to the worst of my injuries. Most of them were superficial. The real wounds were inside. Lily patched me up, but she never treated me like I was broken.

"Ready to talk about it?" she'd asked.

And I told her the truth. That I thought I might be gay. I didn't tell her everything. I didn't tell her I knew for sure I was gay because I was already in love with her brother, my best friend. That part I buried deep, deep down, too terrified to ever let that truth see the light of day.

But Lily didn't judge. She didn't flinch or look away or tell me I needed saving. She didn't try to pray for me or suggest anything to change myself. She just took my hand and said she'd protect me.

"You gave me a way out, Lily. You saved my life that day, in more ways than one."

"That doesn't mean you owed me anything," she says through the tears she's no longer holding back .

"I never thought I owed you anything. I just knew it was the right thing to do.

It's been you and me since that day, and it'll always be you and me, you hear?

I love you, and I love Adaline. I don't care whose blood flows through her veins, she’s my daughter.

In every way that counts, she is mine. And I have no regrets about that. "

She falls into my chest, and I let her sob until the tears have run dry.

"But listen," I say gently. "If you ever want something different, to date or start over or change how we're doing things, I'll support you.

You don't live under your daddy's thumb anymore.

You're an adult woman who can make decisions for herself.

Whatever you want to do with your life, I'll be here.

There's no pressure or guilt, Lily. Just love. "

Her shoulders shake, and I think for a moment that she's crying again. But she flings her head back to rest on the couch, and I can see she's laughing. "It's really too bad you're not into women."

I let out a bark of laughter. "Yeah… Sorry about that."

"It's alright. I'm not sure if you're really my type anyway."

"Is that so?" I say, chuckling. "What kind of person are you attracted to, then?"

Her face grows pensive, but not sad. "I don't know.

Is it weird that I don't really think I am attracted to anyone like that?

Maybe I just haven't met the right person, it's not like I get out much.

But, like, when I'm watching a movie or reading a book, I love romance just as much as I like adventure and fantasy.

But I don't want to go out and slay a dragon. Does that make sense?"

I shrug. "Sure, why not? I don't know that there's just one way to be."

"Silas? "

"Yeah, babe?"

"Does it make me a bad person if I never want to go back? Like, even to visit?"

"If it is, I'll be sitting next to you on the bus to hell."

We lie on the couch in the quiet, and I hold Lily while she dozes off. I don't know that either of us is truly okay, but we're closer than we've been in a while. And that counts for something. It counts for a lot, honestly.

I meant every word I said to her. I'd do anything to protect her and Adaline. To keep our lives steady and safe. Lily is the best person I know. She’s strong, kind, more forgiving than anyone has a right to be.

I don't want her carrying guilt over the choices we had to make.

She didn't ruin my life by any means. She only gave me a new one.

And honestly, I have a feeling that if I came clean about my feelings for her brother, she'd encourage me to tell him the truth even if it hurt her.

But I can't do it to her. Not when I don't know what the future holds for us.

I'm not willing to disrupt the balance and safety we've built for an unsure bet that Gideon won't still hate me.

I carry her to bed like I would Adaline, dropping a soft kiss on her forehead and covering her with a blanket. Then when I'm alone in the quiet again, staring at my ceiling, the truth creeps in.

If I can't tell Gideon our secret, whatever is building between us doesn't stand a chance.

It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, wanting to leap, but knowing I can't make it over the gap. Not without dragging Lily's truth down with mine. Not without potentially wrecking everything.

Maybe this thing was always doomed. Maybe what happened the other night was just a flare-up of something that never got put to rest. It's unfinished business that's keeping me tethered to the Gideon I knew like a ghost. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, or maybe it would fizzle out before it really started.

I just don't know, and that's why I can't make the leap.

But that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

From wanting him.