Page 20 of Wildly Yours (Owl Creek #3)

I f it were anyone else, I may not have agreed to do this.

I pull my truck into the parking lot of the professional building that sits on the outskirts of Port Stratton, and find a spot in the shade.

Living in the mountains has its advantages, including not having to deal with unseasonably hot weather like they do in the lowlands.

I'm early, which isn't helping my nerves.

I feel like a squirrel on speed. My jaw is tight, my pulse is racing, and I'm fidgeting with all the crap in my console.

I hop out and decide to do a couple of laps around the building to burn off some energy, but before I can round the building I see her pull into the lot.

Serena waves and parks next to me. When she steps out, I feel my breath catch. She's water for my parched throat.

Her hair is braided down her back, and she's wearing a light dress that looks like it was made explicitly for her. She's all I can see as I walk to meet her. Seeing her calms my racing mind, even if just for the moment. I know what's facing us when we step inside.

"Good to see you're off the crutches already."

"I'm still a little sore, but I think your attention helped things along."

Her smile is as bright as the first sunflowers of summer.

"You ready for this, Cody?"

My hands are shoved in my pockets to hide the twitchy energy that seems to be shooting out of them. "As ready as I'll ever be."

"Okay. Let's check in."

I follow her through the front door and down a short hallway to another door that is open.

When we step inside the small room there are two chairs, a low table, a water cooler, and a lot of pictures on the walls.

Some are of the bay, some are the forest, and some have motivational and inspirational sayings on them. I guess I should have expected that.

We sit for a few moments before another door opens and a woman peeks out her head. She sees Serena and smiles. "This must be Cody."

I reach out my hand to shake hers as she guides us in.

"I'm Sara. Nice to meet you."

We sit on the couch that is on one side of the small room, and Sara takes the chair opposite us. She opens a folder and reads something, and then clicks her pen.

"Thank you for coming today, Cody. I know this means a lot to Serena. We've had a number of sessions together to help her process what happened seven years ago, but it will be helpful for her and hopefully you, to bring your perspective."

I nod as my stomach starts to roil.

"Why don't you share with me what happened when you left."

***

One hour later and I feel wrung out. I need a cup of coffee or I'm not going to make it back to Owl Creek in one piece. We walk out to the parking lot, Serena still blowing her nose and wiping her eyes.

"Is it like that every time you see her?"

"Not always, but she doesn't let me hide from things, if that's what you're asking."

"I've never in my life had someone so gently yet relentlessly pursue my beliefs. That's was brutal."

"It gets easier when you see how much it helps to question why you believe what you believe."

I box her against the door of her car before she can get inside.

"Does that mean you're going to question what is holding you back from trusting me?"

Her eyes flit across my face like an animal in a trap.

I need to know that we're both in this, not just me.

The trouble is, I'm not sure she'd believe me if I told her that.

Everything is changing between us so fast. We were as close as two people could be and then I changed that overnight, and now I'm trying to change it again.

Because if there is one thing I know from all these years of keeping my distance, it's that she is the one person who I struggled to stay away from the most.

I missed her laugh, I missed her curiosity, I missed her dogged determination to get things done. Most of all, I missed her touch. Now that I've kissed her again, it's all I can think about. I feel a pull toward her that can't be suppressed. It's a skin hunger nothing will satisfy except her.

"You. You are what's holding me back, Cody."

"But I'm working on it. I showed up today, didn't I?"

"One therapy session isn't enough to transform yourself. You have to do the work."

"Are you doing the work?"

"I'm coming here every week, aren't I?"

"Yeah, but she gave me homework. Do you do your homework?"

"I'll do my homework, Cody. You need to do yours, too."

"After work I'll go see my parents."

"And tell them everything."

"And tell them everything."

"Okay. Call me if you need me. I'll see you on Sunday."

"Wait, what?"

"For the dinner. At your parent's house."

"I'm not going to see you until…" This skin hunger is going to kill me. I need to touch her, but she's right. We have to face the skeletons in our closets before we have a chance. If she's going to give me that chance. "I need to know something."

She was already twisting away to try to get into her car, but I have her trapped between my arms.

"Why are you doing all of this?"

"Therapy?"

"Yes, and also with me."

"I want to be the best I can be. For myself, and for my partner."

"And the part about doing it with me?"

"Cody, no matter what happens between us, I need to let go of all my fear and pain around what happened between us. It's holding me back from being in a relationship. I see that now. Especially after today."

I nod and let her get in her car. She slides in, buckles her seatbelt, and pulls out of the lot heading back to Owl Creek.

Even if I go to my parents house and tell them what happened, it might not be enough for Serena to open back up to us.

Every moment I'm with her I'm reminded of what she was to me.

I'm reminded of what I gave up, to keep her safe.

And I have to do anything I can to show her that I put her first back then, and I'll keep putting her first until the day I die.

I have to do more.

***

I pull into my parent's place and park facing the lake.

The sun is sparkling on the water in the early evening, and I catch sight of a few fish jumping to eat insects skimming the water.

My heart is banging against my rib cage as I rehearse the conversation I'm about to have for the sixth time since I pulled out of the park.

They aren't expecting me. I didn't want to call ahead in case I chickened out. Not because I don't want to do the work of building trust again with Serena, but because I know this is going to break off a little piece of my mom's heart. And my mom is as precious as gold.

I trudge down the path to the back door and knock. Buzz is in the kitchen and waves me in.

"Whatcha knocking for? Is something wrong? You have a funny look on your face."

"Two seconds flat, Buzz. That's all it takes for you to figure us kids out." I give him a hug and look around the big, open room. "Where's Mom?"

"Upstairs fiddling with something. I'll go get her. Help yourself to something to drink. We just stocked the fridge up today getting ready for the dinner. You're coming, right?"

"That's partly why I'm here."

"Oh boy. You better get a drink and take a seat."

A few minutes later my mom comes down the stairs with a twist in her brow. "Buzz tells me you might not come on Sunday. It's going to be an important dinner. We need you here."

"I'm coming, Mom. It's just that I need to talk about something first."

She kisses the top of my head and then sits across from me, with Buzz at her side. They both fix their gaze on me, which is comforting and intense. There is no escaping this moment.

My hands are clammy and my mouth is dry. I take a swig of my iced tea to steal a moment to gather my thoughts. Where did my perfectly planned speech go?

"I went to therapy today," I blurt out.

They exchange a quick look and then turn back to me.

"With Serena Davis."

My mother leans in and Buzz starts rubbing his chin. I'm pretty sure he's trying not to laugh.

"And the therapist gave me a task. That's why I'm here. Doing the task."

"My darling baby, please tell your mother what is happening. Are you coming out of the closet? Is that why you don't have girlfriends? We love you no matter what."

"No, Mom. I need to tell you what happened when I disappeared for those two weeks."

My mom instinctively reaches for Buzz's hand, and squeezes it tight.

"I'm listening."

"One night after Caleb got suspended, I overheard the two of you talking about our father. About how you were concerned Caleb was turning out like him."

"That was fear talking, Cody. Your mom and I never really believed it."

"That doesn't change the fact that it stuck with me.

It was like a thorn in an animals paw. The thought that there was something wrong with him, with us , festered in me.

It started to consume me. I needed to know who he was.

I needed to know if I could see him in Caleb.

Or me. So, one day when it became too much, I went to go find him.

Our father. I needed to know if the reason Caleb had been fighting so much and I felt so much, I don't know…

rage? Was because we inherited it from him.

Because at times it felt like I was fighting with a demon to keep my temper in check.

And you both know that Caleb didn't fare as well as me. "

My mom wipes at her eyes, and it's almost enough to make me stop.

If Serena weren't counting on me, I would.

I would tell them I couldn't find him and I decided to go to Las Vegas.

But I've been running from that night for seven years.

I've been hiding from what happened since I put him in the hospital. I have to find my way through for her.

For me . Because she's right. No matter what happens between us, I also have to let go of my fear and pain.

There's no us without me just like there's no us without her doing what she needs to do to release her fear and pain so she can find her way back to trusting me. This is how we get to be together.

"So I drove to California and I found him. And I stayed at the house for a couple of nights. In our old room. It still has mine and Caleb's crib set up. Nothing had changed."

"How was he?"

"Drunk. Angry. Old before his time. And at first he was your average dickhead, saying shitty things but otherwise harmless. But it escalated quickly. By the last night—"

A ball of grief moves up through my body.

I'm choking on the weight of it. I can barely breathe.

The thick, dense, sticky ball of rage and sadness and hurt that lodged itself inside me that night is caught in my throat.

I open my mouth to try to finish my sentence, to take a breath, and instead a roar pours out.

I'm doubled over dry heaving, as noises I've never heard before stream out of my body. Mom is suddenly on one side of me, Buzz on the other, and they hold on for dear life. They squeeze me and rock me and don't let go until I've wrung myself out.

I don't know how much time passes, but I feel my heart calm, and my hands unclench.

If I believed in exorcisms, I would think I just performed one on myself.

There is a space in my chest where the thoughts of that night had lodged itself.

Now I feel freedom. Separation. It's not a part of me anymore.

It's simply something that happened. Something I can observe like I observe my frogs and birds in the forest.

My parents release their hold, and my mom sits down next to me.

"You don't have to tell us anything else if you don't to."

"I want to. I need to."

Buzz grabs some tissue and brings it over to the table. "Can I get you anything, Son?"

I shake my head and pull out a tissue to wipe the sweat and tears off my face.

"I want to tell you what happened…That last night, he started pushing me.

Verbally at first, but then physically. And the vitriolic things that were coming out of his mouth…

Anyway, I snapped. And I hit him back. We stood there looking at each other for a few seconds after I did it.

And then he attacked me for real, and it was as if something was unleashed.

I couldn't stop myself and I…I put him in the hospital.

He went into a coma. And I left. I left him there to rot in his own anger and hate.

I drove all night until I found a roadside motel in Nevada.

And I stayed a week, drinking every day until I blacked out.

Then one day I'm walking to the gas station to buy my booze and food, and I see this stupid roadside sign that just says, "time to face the music".

It was an advertisement for a club in Reno, but I took it as a sign I needed to return to my life.

But instead of going back to the way things were, I accepted that I was just like him.

I had turned into him. And I needed to keep you guys, and…

and… Serena safe. So I finished up my education and then took the job up in the park to keep my distance while also… keeping you all close."

My mom wipes at her face and blows her nose. Then she gets down on her knees in front of me, and wraps her arms around my waist.

"You are my baby. You are my heart. And I will spend the rest of my life being sorry you had to go through this alone.

I'm sorry you overheard us. We never meant for you to hear us, but more importantly, we never really believed it was true.

I left your father when you were in diapers because I didn't want you to live a life that was as dark as the one he lives.

And I know with every cell of my being that you are not like your father.

Caleb is not like your father. The two of you are good, strong, caring men.

You stumble and fall just like the rest of us but you take responsibility for your actions.

You pour your love into the world the best way you know how.

Your father isn't any of those things. But your dad is.

Buzz is those things, and all you boys are more like Buzz than your father.

You're more like Buzz than you are like me. "

I nod in understanding and she stands, kissing me on the head.

"Is there anything else you want to talk about, Son?" Buzz's bright blue eyes are glassy.

"That's all I needed to say."

"Sure you don't want to expand on that bit about keeping Serena safe?"

He smiles and winks, and my mom chuckles.

"Well the Band-Aid is off, might as well air it all out."