Page 17 of Wildly Yours (Owl Creek #3)

C ody wraps up my ankle and then goes into the garage to grab the crutches that I held onto after an ice skating accident.

He leans them against the recliner, just within reach, and then settles back onto the couch.

I watch him chew the side of his mouth, as if the words would come pouring out if he could create enough space for them. Space. Space for this. For us.

For the wounds we carry.

He rubs his scruffy face and then finally opens his mouth to speak. "I left that night to drive to California. I needed to find my biological father. I needed to find something out, to answer a question that could only be asked and answered when I met him."

I don't know much about his father because Cody doesn't know much about his father. Correction—didn't know much about his father. He was raised by his mom and Buzz, his step dad. And Buzz is the best guy anyone could ask for in a dad.

As much as I love my own father, I secretly wanted Buzz to be my dad.

I wanted him and Callie to adopt me, to let me curl up in that nest they built together, and to never leave.

Buzz would never have abandoned me in the woods to find my way home.

Buzz would never have taken the babysitter's side when she lost me at the mall in Port Stratton.

Buzz would have never convinced me that the world is out to get me and to always have one eye on the door, the other on my rifle.

Because he and Callie were there for every scrape, every mishap, every stray animal, every school fight the three boys got tangled up in.

The Barone boys were never alone with their problems. And that's why no matter what Cody, or Caleb, or Cole have faced, they knew it would be okay because Callie and Buzz had their back.

Or so I thought.

"I overheard my mom tell Buzz that Caleb was turning out like our father.

He was getting into all those fights at school, and my parents were freaking out.

He got suspended twice before he was in high school.

And the thing that worried me was that Caleb and I were essentially the same person.

We are textbook twins. I know we seem different from the outside, but on the inside… "

His eyes drift toward the wall that separates the living room from the kitchen. I watch him, waiting for him to continue, not sure if being silent is what he needs right now. Trying to remember all my communications training I took to be better at…what? I don't know. Public service? Love?

I hold the silence, hoping that he finds the words to continue.

"After I heard that, I started to wonder if I was like my father too. If what I felt was what he felt. If I was as dangerous as him."

He turns to face me. "I needed to know who I was.

So when I left you that night, when I told you I had to figure something out, that was it.

I needed to find him and to know once and for all if I was like my father.

If Caleb and I were cursed with his mean streak.

If we were cursed with his violence. Because it was starting to seem that Caleb was turning into him and I thought it was only a matter of time before I did.

So that's what I did. I drove to California and I hunted him down.

I found his shit-ass house in that fucked up town.

And the thing is, when I knocked on his door it was like he was expecting me. Like he knew I'd be coming."

Cody leans back on the couch and closes his eyes. I know the story doesn't end there, but I don't want to press. His jaw is working hard and his hands are clenched in two fists.

"I stayed a couple of days in our old room.

I don't think he had touched it since we left.

The sheets on the beds smelled old and musty, like too many damp days.

We didn't talk much, and I could see he was in bad shape.

Drinking too much. Then one night he picks a fight with me.

Starts saying all these horrible things about Mom.

About my brothers and I. Every word was a poison arrow in my heart.

And at some point, I snapped. Something broke inside me and I lashed out.

He threw the first punch. But I threw the last."

I see a streak of tears escape his eyes.

"I had to call the paramedics when I was done with him. And I lied. I told them I came home to find him in that condition. There was no one there to contradict me, and one of them knew him. Like he'd been in the back of their rig before. They just shook their heads and drove him away."

I reach over and try to touch him. To make contact so he knows I'm here. But he pulls away, bracing himself with his arms.

"I put him in a fucking coma, Serena. I almost killed him.

And then I just ran. I got in my car and started driving.

" Cody's dark eyes meet mine, and they're filled with fear, or rage, or confusion.

I'm not sure which one. "I'm not safe to be around.

I'm just like him and I can't be trusted.

That's why I left. That's why I pushed you away.

Because I didn't want to do the same thing to you that he did to my mother and Cole. "

He's looking at me like he's expecting something. Like he's waiting for me to yell, or run, or kick him out. But all I can think about is how much pain he's been in. How tormented he is, and everything he's sacrificed as a result.

Relief is crashing through me as I process everything he told me.

All these years I was convinced this was about me.

That I was the reason he walked away. And worse—that there was nothing I could do to keep it from happening again.

Thoughts are swirling in my head, but one big one is pushing its way to the forefront.

"Can I ask a question?"

"Sure."

"If you were just like him, don't you think you wouldn't bother to keep the people you care about safe?

I mean, he abused your mom, and Cole when he was little, and fought with you as an adult.

He didn't do anything to protect the people he was supposed to protect.

If you were truly like him, you'd have been the same way. "

"But his violence is in my blood. It's why I attacked him."

"You just told me that he threw the first punch. You were defending yourself against him."

Cody is searching my face. If I knew what he was looking for, I'd give it to him.

I'd give him anything to save him from the pain he's in right now.

From the pain of the last seven years. "I'm not a biologist like you, but I know enough to understand that violence isn't genetic.

It's learned. And your mom saved you three from that violence when she stole the car and ran away.

She knew that you would learn to be like him if you stayed. "

"Then why would she tell Buzz that she was afraid Caleb was turning into him?"

I feel heat rise to my cheeks. He wants to be right for being wrong. He wants to be bad, because it's easier to explain whatever he's not dealing with, by passing it off as being bad. I know I can't get angry with him, but I feel like screaming.

"Because she was a scared mom, Cody. Because she knew what she had fled.

But that doesn't mean that she really believed it.

And even if she did, Caleb changed. He grew out of his violent streak before high school ended.

But here you are, basing your entire belief system about yourself on one overheard comment and one fight.

That isn't who you are." This time I grab his hand and I don't let go.

I squeeze it enough to get him to look at me. His dark eyes flicker across my face.

"You don't hate me."

"Statement or question?"

"Statement…question. Both."

"No, I don't hate you. Not anymore. I did.

I think. Hate is such a strong word. You broke me, Cody.

You were the one person who I thought would always have my back.

Who would always be around. And then you just disappeared.

I was like a zombie after that. I struggled with my classes, and stopped hanging out with my friends.

I…couldn't believe that it was worth getting close to people after that.

And now I'm the busy bee around town that doesn't have time for deep connections.

I like Zoe and the gang, but they are much closer to each other than I am with them. "

He squeezes my hand and then leans toward me, reaching his other hand around my side so he's surrounding me on the couch and looking in my eyes.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I know it was shitty, but I didn't know how else to protect you."

"Can you see that you don't need to protect me?

Not from yourself, anyway. You aren't your father.

You're the kind of guy who stands in the face of a bully like Blake and keeps his cool.

If anything, you are the opposite of your father.

Or at least what I know about your father. Look, can you let this be true?"

"You don't know what you're asking."

"What is at stake? What happens if you let it be true?"

He leans away again, not shifting his focus from me.

"That's like telling a fish they are in water. How does the fish know what water is?"

"No. That's a cop-out and you know it. You have not believed this your whole life. What do you get out of hanging on to this?"

"Believing that I didn't waste seven years that I could have spent with you!"

I didn't know until this very moment that you can feel your body melt like a candle. That's what Cody Barone does to me.