Page 19 of Why I Kissed You (Pride and Prejudice Variation)
Jane turned slightly to face her and took up her hand to hold between her own.
“Lizzy, I think—based on all that you have shared—that Mr. Darcy truly, deeply loves you. Initially, I thought even having kissed on the impulse of the moment, overcome by your passions as you both were, was no reason to marry as the servant’s statement could hardly be proven, and so long as you both denied anything had occurred.
But his determination to explain himself—however right or wrong—tells me he does not wish you to think ill of him.
His willingness to marry you knowing you do not care for him tells me he cannot bear to see you come to harm. His kindness to you—”
Pushing to her feet, Elizabeth paced away from her sister. “What is it, Lizzy?” Jane asked. “I am sorry if I disturb you—”
“I don’t want to marry him like this,” Elizabeth cried softly. “I don’t want to marry a man for whom I cannot even describe what I think of him. He is still arrogant and proud and conceited, but he has also proven himself to be kind and considerate and caring…”
She whirled back to face Jane and lifted her hands in a helpless gesture.
“I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore!
I’m so confused that it is an effort just to think straight.
I don’t want to be rescued and yet I know I need to be, for I do not doubt that Lady Catherine will try some trick to hurt my reputation further—especially when she learns we are engaged.
I don’t want to marry a man I’m not in love with, but I also refuse to take the chance of ruining the prospects of those whom I do love beyond all reason. ”
Jane stood and stepped up to her. She first embraced Elizabeth and held her tightly for a moment, and Elizabeth returned the squeeze before her sister released her. Jane held onto her arms as she said,
“Lizzy, I understand, I think, why you are confused. Mr. Darcy’s behaviour in Meryton, his interference with Mr. Bingley and myself—they have given you reason to dislike him.
But knowing he has loved you in secret all these months, that he is willing to risk an unhappy alliance for the sake of protecting you…
It shows you plainly that you have misjudged him.
It shows you that despite his flaws, Mr. Darcy is a good man.
I think perhaps he was afraid of the strength of his own regard—that he fought his inclinations and lost certainly proves that his love is stronger than his fear of censure. ”
Elizabeth groaned softly. “And what of me, Jane? How am I to live with a man for the rest of my life and not be miserable when my regard for him is so uncertain?”
Jane tipped her head to the side thoughtfully.
“That you kissed him back proves you are not indifferent to his attractiveness, and that scares you. You are afraid of feeling strongly for a man you swore never to like because to do so would mean openly admitting you were wrong about him, and you fear appearing inconstant to others. You have long prided yourself on your judgment of others, Lizzy, and being proven wrong about Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wickham makes you question your own discernment.”
Elizabeth allowed herself to be guided back to the bench.
The sisters sat and for a moment there was silence, then Jane said, “You are not indifferent to Mr. Darcy’s physical attributes, and you know he is kind.
You know that he loves you. Do you truly despair of ever returning his love?
And are you more concerned you shall be miserable, or that you will make him so? ”
Elizabeth fought the sting of tears as her confused emotions threatened to overwhelm her. “All I can say right now, Jane, is that I fear I will be unhappy, and I fear that he will regret me—I do respect him enough to not wish him miserable on my account.”
Jane slipped her arm about Elizabeth’s shoulders. “Then you must open your mind and your heart. Be willing to accept his generosity and his love. Be willing to like him, and more importantly, be willing to love him in return.”
“May I say the same to you about Mr. Bingley?” said Elizabeth.
“I know that you love him, dearest, but given what you said of him, I know you fear inconstancy on his part for being so easily persuaded against you. If Mr. Darcy speaks to Mr. Bingley as I asked him to, and if Mr. Bingley loves you as deeply as I believe he does, then he will come to Gracechurch Street and beg your forgiveness. Give him the chance to prove how sorry he is for ever doubting your love.”
Jane drew a breath, then she turned to Elizabeth and held out her hand. “I will if you will,” said she.
Elizabeth smiled and shook her sister’s hand, sealing the pact between them.
She looked for a moment back to the house, and said, “We can’t tell anyone else about this,” said she.
“Colonel Fitzwilliam knows the whole of it, unfortunately, and I suspect Mr. Darcy will have to share the truth with Mr. Bingley as well. But we cannot allow our aunt and uncle to know ours is not a happy match—and we certainly cannot let Papa find out about it. Mamma won’t care if I’m happy or not, because I’ll be rich. ”
“Now Lizzy, that is unkind,” said Jane. “You know our mother cares for your happiness.”
“Does she?” Elizabeth countered. “I am sure you remember that she tried to force me to marry Mr. Collins—that she expected I would be more than happy to, as then she would never have to leave Longbourn. She didn’t care that I didn’t like him, did not care that I was certain I would be miserable with him.
All she saw was a chance to save herself.
I do not know who was more astonished that I said no—her or him.
Just because a match is prudent and eligible does not mean it is best for both parties, and a man desiring a woman does not mean she should automatically accept him.
He didn’t love me, and certainly doesn’t love Charlotte.
Mr. Collins only wanted a pretty, compliant wife that would make his ‘noble patroness’ happy. ”
She could tell Jane was still not pleased with her remarks, but in her present state of mind, Elizabeth could not be sorry for them.
That her second daughter was Mr. Bennet’s favorite—that he showed Elizabeth courtesy and respected her opinions when he could do neither for his wife—had led to a very real dislike on the part of Mrs. Bennet.
That she had a higher place in her father’s regard, when precedence there was rightfully her mother’s, had led to Mrs. Bennet being harder on her than the other girls.
Elizabeth had been aware of her mother’s resentment for some time, and though once she had sought to try and make peace between her parents that her mother would come to think better of her, she’d long ago given up hope of being loved by the woman who had given birth to her.
Unfortunately, this often made Elizabeth think of her mother with bitter feelings.
“Perhaps she was thinking of herself, Lizzy,” said Jane at last. “But I am sure she was thinking of the rest of us as well. You know we have nowhere to go when our father is gone, if we should not be married.”
“Jane, you know that is not true,” Elizabeth rejoined. “We have two uncles who would not see any of us homeless, even our mother. Perhaps you or I might have to take employment as a paid companion, a lady’s maid, or even a nursemaid, but I am certain we would not be without a roof over our heads.”
Undesirous of dwelling on what might have been any longer, Elizabeth drew a breath, picked up her candle, and stood. “Come, my dear Jane. Let us go inside and think more pleasant thoughts.”
Jane picked up her own candle and stood; she linked her arm with Elizabeth’s as she said, “I am quite of your opinion Lizzy. Let us think of the fun we shall have tomorrow.”
“Ha!” cried Elizabeth as they started for the house. “You might have fun, and Aunt Gardiner might have fun, but I am the one who will need to be measured and poked and prodded by the modiste!”
Jane laughed. “Now you sound like Mary!”
Elizabeth grinned. “Yes, dear Mary—for whom any shopping excursion is a trial to be endured unless it involves educational books for ladies or sheet music for her beloved pianoforte.”
“Lizzy, do you really expect to find no enjoyment in ordering new clothes?”
Pausing as they were about to step through the back door, Elizabeth said, “While I cannot say I like the idea of Darcy paying for everything, I will confess that it will be quite pleasing to order more than one gown made of fine silk. Though I daresay Mamma will be put out with me for not consulting her first, as I surely do not know the best warehouses!”
Jane shook her head at the quip, but she also smiled, and Elizabeth forced herself to put aside her concerns and enjoy some time with her aunt and sister going over fashion plates in La Belle Assemblée before they retired for the evening.
Of course, despite having pledged to Jane that she would endeavour to keep an open heart and mind, her thoughts began to run rampant as soon as she’d settled in her bed, and it was some time before she fell asleep.
The next morning Mrs. Gardiner bid her nieces to rise early, for there was a lot to be done and she thought it best to get as much accomplished that day as they could.
So it was that after some tea, toast, and a hard-boiled egg each, the ladies made their way to Bond Street.
Elizabeth feigned displeasure as the carriage carried them across town, but in secret she was just a little bit excited—she had never in her life imagined being able to commission an entire wardrobe.
Choosing patterns and fabrics would be pleasurable, especially to be sharing the experience with her favorite sister and aunt.
Linen drapers were to be the start of their shopping adventure.
At the first, they secured all the fabric Mrs. Gardiner thought necessary for handkerchiefs, napkins, cravats, and ruffles, as well as tucks and fichus.
At the second, they intended to select fabrics for her gowns, petticoats, and other undergarments.
Although Elizabeth was not much of a rider, she found herself surprisingly enamored of a bold red velvet that struck her as perfect for a riding habit—but oh, the price per yard! “I wonder, Aunt, if—for all his wealth—even Mr. Darcy would mind the price of this velvet.”
“I do beg pardon, but did you say Mr. Darcy?”