Page 17 of Why I Kissed You (Pride and Prejudice Variation)
Darcy paused and ran a hand through his hair before releasing an aggravated sigh.
“I am sorry, Bingley. In talking you out of pursuing Miss Bennet, I was really talking myself out of pursuing her sister because I was ashamed of wanting a woman whose family and connexions were so unfavorable. It was selfish of me to ruin your happiness in order to save myself.”
Bingley regarded him for a long, silent moment. “Why confess the truth to me now?”
“Aside from the fact that Elizabeth asked it of me?” Darcy countered. “Her refusal—or rather the cruelty and lack of regard for others’ feelings she accused me of therein, among other things—forced me to re-evaluate my own conduct, and like she did, I found it wanting.”
“Come now, Will,” spoke up Fitzwilliam. “You can’t be all that bad if you are so well admired and respected by your tenants and servants.”
“On the contrary, Theo,” said Darcy, before he turned away and walked absently toward the fireplace.
“The last four-and-twenty hours have had an effect on my equanimity I never could have predicted and elicited a change in myself I never knew I needed. Elizabeth’s recriminations made me see that while I showed respect to those of lower station, I still disdained them.
I didn’t see them as worthy of attention or affection from those of greater consequence.
I had literally been ashamed of loving a most amiable, admirable woman for no other reason than that she was not as rich and connected as myself, and because her family reminded me too much of a person in my own whom I avoid as much as I am able. ”
He sighed again and turned back to Bingley. “Even had she not at last accepted me, I believe I would have spoken to you. Elizabeth helped me to see that I was wrong to interfere.”
Bingley again regarded him in silence, then at length he sighed, and the tight set of his shoulders relaxed. “Thank you, Darcy. I appreciate your candor.”
He moved at long last to a chair and dropped into it heavily.
“At least you’ve had the decency to own your mistake.
My sisters could not even do that, let alone feel any shame for their conduct.
After you’d gone, they came to my room to press me about what a mistake they believed it would be for me to ally myself with the Bennets.
How my fortune made me a most eligible match for a girl from a wealthier family with better connexions. ”
“What did you tell them?” Fitzwilliam asked him.
Bingley looked up. “I said that I was ashamed of them for being embarrassed by their own origins, that it pained me their ambitions had stripped them of all kindness and compassion, and that I wished with all my heart they might one day see the error of their ways… but that I was not in the least sorry for having fallen in love with one of the sweetest, gentlest creatures in all the world.”
He sighed again and tipped his head back.
“I only hope that Jane will forgive me for not being stronger in my own belief that she cared for me. I could have returned to Hertfordshire at any time these last five months, and I didn’t because I was too bloody afraid that Darcy and my sisters were right.
I simply could not stand the idea that she might reject me. ”
When he looked to Darcy again, Bingley’s expression was confused. “Darcy, earlier you said that Miss Elizabeth refused you, then you said you were marrying her, and just a moment ago you said she accepted you at last. What does that even mean?”
Darcy half smiled and said, “I made my offer to Elizabeth yesterday in the afternoon. She quite angrily refused me, based in part on my interference with you but also because she believed me to have wronged Mr. Wickham. I was too angry at having been accused of cruelty and inhumanity, of not behaving as a gentleman, that I had not command enough of myself to explain the true circumstances in either case. On the advice of Theo here, I spent the night reflecting on our conversation and cooling my temper, that I could be more rational when next I saw her. This morning, I attempted to make her understand the reasons for my interference as well as relay the whole of my history with Wickham.”
He chuckled mirthlessly. “I daresay she still has not forgiven me for my part in causing pain to her sister, but I am at least acquitted of wrongdoing as regards Wickham.”
When his gaze fell on Bingley again, Darcy added in a more sober tone, “I must further confess that I honestly did not believe myself wrong in separating you and Miss Bennet, not until I witnessed the repercussions of my actions with my own eyes. I delivered Elizabeth into her uncle’s care earlier this evening, and it was immediately evident—though she was as sweet and well-mannered as ever—that Miss Bennet was not quite herself.
In that moment, I understood how correct Elizabeth had been about her sister’s feelings and how wrong I had been to judge them as I did.
I pray that your renewed attentions to her will restore her to her prior cheerfulness, even if she does not openly display how happy she is. ”
The last he said with a benevolent smile, as his revelation that Miss Bennet was not herself had alarmed his friend.
“As for Miss Elizabeth and myself…” Darcy continued, “One of Mr. Collins’s servants saw us together when I called yesterday and reported it to her master and my aunt this morning.
Elizabeth was accused of attempting to compromise me—among other unwarranted insults—and on the orders of his patroness, the parson turned his own cousin out. ”
Bingley’s countenance showed his astonishment. “Darcy, that’s horrible!”
He agreed with a nod. “Indeed. And naturally, as I could not abide this treatment, I offered the use of my carriage. During our stop to rest the horses at Bromley, Elizabeth and I discussed the possibility of my aunt further slandering her character.”
“Would she do that?” Bingley asked.
Fitzwilliam nodded. “As much as we dislike speaking ill of family—even our supercilious aunt—I’m afraid it’s a very real possibility,” he said. “Lady Catherine’s been obsessed with Darcy marrying her daughter since they were children.”
Bingley looked between them, and when his eyes came to Darcy they suddenly widened. “You’re only getting married because of the alleged compromise, aren’t you?”
“Yes, and no,” said Darcy. “Elizabeth is marrying me for the sake of preserving her family’s respectability, but I am marrying her because I love her.”
“Even though she refused you—even though she doesn’t want you?”
Darcy ignored the sting his words generated and said, “I loved her before I proposed to her, Bingley—being refused did not change how I feel. If we were not to marry, I am certain the strength of my regard would take some time indeed to alter, if it ever did. But as we are to be man and wife, it is my sincere hope that, in time, Elizabeth will no longer despair being married to me.”
Bingley looked at him with a discerning gaze, then shook his head. “I feel like I’m missing something of consequence,” said he.
Darcy glanced at his cousin. Fitzwilliam cocked an eyebrow. “I think you can trust him, Will.”
With a sigh, though he’d only moments ago held back the truth, Darcy now confessed to Bingley about the kiss.
Bingley shook his head in amazement. “Let me see if I understand you now,” said he as he sat forward in his chair. “There actually was a compromise, but you are pretending there was not?”
“That is correct.”
“But why? Why not confess it? Would it not lend more credence to your ruse of being a happy couple—you did say she was an equal participant, did you not?”
Darcy, suddenly feeling quite fatigued, sat down on the end of a sofa.
“The kiss was definitely mutual but recall that it happened after she refused me. I wonder now if the servant listened in on the entire interview as well as saw our embrace, as they would then know I’d been rejected.
That we kissed might easily be construed as Elizabeth regretting her decision and throwing herself at me, so I’d be forced to marry her anyway.
She did not agree to the match until I informed her of my belief that my aunt might attempt further destruction of her character.
By admitting to a partial truth—that I’d bumbled my offer, and she needed time to consider, we acknowledge something happened but keep the true details private. ”
“And the more you both maintain your version of events, the less credibility the servant’s version has,” observed Fitzwilliam, “and our aunt’s by association, should she be so malicious as to try spreading one.”
“And, um… If she does not?” asked Bingley. “Are you not afraid, Darcy, that you might have no need to marry?”
“If I could trust that my aunt would not attempt to harm Elizabeth’s reputation, then no, there would be no need,” Darcy conceded.
“However, my conscience would not allow me to do nothing in light of the fact that propriety was breached; I do believe I would have asked her again based on that alone. Had we not kissed, Elizabeth and I would have parted in bitterness and resentment, each of us likely thinking the worst of each other even while recognizing the truths we both shared. It would have been months or longer—if ever—before we made peace. I am glad to have the opportunity to make things right sooner by marrying her, as it gives me the opportunity to show Elizabeth that I have taken her words to heart.”