Page 29

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA

I ’d stayed in Asia as long as I possibly could before finally flying back to the States. I hadn’t wanted to return before or on Christmas as the sights and sounds of the holiday season only reinforced what a fucking idiot I had become. For so damn long, I’d kept things completely impersonal, and anonymous, but ended up fucking up the second I let my guard down for the very first time.

After staying mostly in Osaka, I’d headed to Bangkok and Hanoi before finally landing back in San Francisco on New Year’s Eve. I’d been right to stay gone as long as I had because Christmas was all but a distant memory for everyone mulling about. Excitement over the upcoming year was in full swing, and all the horridly festive red and green decorations were replaced by those in black and gold.

Tomorrow would be the start of a new year, but unlike those looking forward to it, I could only dread it instead. I had neither a resolution to break, nor any hope that my fortunes would change because I had a big decision to make. It’d been one that I’d thought about, yet had been procrastinating about since realizing that Brynn could no longer work right beside me.

“I can’t do it,” I muttered to myself as I stared at my penthouse.

Thankfully, the place had been cleaned up after I’d destroyed it before leaving. It was easy enough to blame it on Brynn because she had encouraged and inspired me to decorate, then later betrayed me, but the truth was that I had betrayed myself. I’d tried to live a life that I neither wanted, nor deserved, and this empty space was what I once more had to show for it.

The solitude fit me well, and had been like a security blanket for me over all of my adult life. When alone, I had far fewer opportunities to give in to my rage and hurt someone. Although, some had still suffered my wrath nonetheless. None so more than my sister and Brynn’s sister.

Blair! Aria!

Their names were like bitter candy on my tongue to say, but so much worse to even think them aloud. I could wire my goddamned mouth shut, but still hear myself speaking their names as my voice echoed in my head, along with their screams. The broken sobs... The anguished cries... They seemed like the same thing, only worse.

Refusing to think about them any more right now, I swiftly rose to my feet. As I did, my cell phone fell to the floor and partially underneath my couch. I bent down to retrieve it, then heard something move. Bending down farther, I reached past my cell phone and found the culprit.

As I pulled my hand out with the small, red ornament, I could only say one thing. “Fucking hell!”

I supposed even the most efficient of staff could miss things once in a while. As I stood there with the small bulb in my hand, I flicked it and watched the colored sphere spin and glisten much like a New Year’s Eve ball would later this evening at the various parties across the city.

San Francisco didn’t have an actual ball drop like New York City or Los Angeles did, but there was always a huge fireworks celebration along the waterfront. I normally made myself scarce at that time, because I neither needed the noise nor the reminder that the following year would be something to celebrate. Most people could leave their mistakes in the past year and start anew, but never me. My demons followed me day after day, year after year, and thousands of miles and several continents couldn’t even stop them from haunting me night after miserable night.

I’d been running from my inner demons since I was sixteen years old, and I used to remind myself that one day they would finally catch up to me. And they had. She had. Brynn. Blair. Did it matter who was haunting my thoughts now? The end was always the same, and it never justified the means.

I could distract myself when it came to Brynn, and I had been until returning to this city. Now, I needed to decide whether to fire her outright, or reassign her to another department on a floor far from mine. Then, there was the issue of finding someone capable to take her place. I had so many moving pieces when it came to BT, I did need someone to help keep it all organized and on track. And, she did her job well.

Maybe too well.

I actually saw her as a woman, and not just a means to an end like others at the club. I’d respected Brynn for her mind... humor... proficiency... and maybe I still did. While it would be so much easier to picture her as nothing but a willing body I could slake my need with at Lotus, I’d tried to have more of her, and this current conundrum was what I got for my effort.

She has to go.

I knew it, so I would work on something the next day. While not good practice to fire someone on the first day of the new year, it was better than on the last day of the former year. Tonight, she’d be like all the others deep in celebration until tomorrow when she reaped what she’d sown the moment she’d decided to betray me. I’d offer her a severance, but even without one, she would’ve fared better than others that we’d both had known.

Brynn wouldn’t pay for her duplicity with her life, at least if I could help it. Unfortunately, it wasn’t something I could control or promise. If it was, my life might be drastically different, or I could still be completely alone with my thoughts as I was right now.

I looked down one final time at the ornament, then walked into the kitchen toward the garbage can. The sooner I put the last month behind me, the better off I’d be. Only, I wasn’t the type to just forgive and forge on. I’d deluded myself in the waking hours believing it was possible, but when I’d go to sleep at night, my demons would take things into their own hands. Into my hands.

I clenched my fist, and as I did, I felt the pain as the glass shattered in my palm. I opened my hand, then tossed the broken bulb into the garbage and looked down at the two sharp pieces stuck in my hand. Blood seeped out around them, and it was only when I felt a warm drop or two on my bare feet that I moved over to the sink. I cleaned my wound, then applied some antibiotic ointment and a liquid bandage to it. After, I cleaned up the few drops of blood from the floor.

“What the hell am I doing?” I asked aloud.

I was basically causing myself to bleed, when I could be inflicting that upon someone else instead. It was then when I thought about Lotus. In recent months, I’d barely been to the club at all, and when I had, it’d been with her.

Again, Brynn haunted my waking and sleeping hours. I needed to find someone else to replace the void she’d left, and knowing the only place I felt safe enough to try was at that same club. It was far too late to find someone to join me there, but just a reminder of what my life used to be was just what I needed, especially because it was a reminder of all my life could be.

After showering, I got dressed, then drove to the place I knew well. While assuming it had been too late to find someone to spend time with here tonight, it wasn’t impossible. Had I have just logged onto Olympus, I could’ve found a submissive willing to drop any plans to kneel at my feet. The only problem was that I didn’t want just anyone there, I wanted Brynn.

Even after her betrayal, I still longed for the deceitful bitch. As unpleasant as the realization was, I knew I’d want her that much longer unless I reclaimed my life – the one I used to know... The only one I could ever have...

After parking my car, I entered the club and a familiar sense of peace washed over me. Lotus was the only place I could go and actually allow myself to feel anything, even if only for a few hours in time. It would take far less than that for me to sink my dick balls deep inside of another to forget Brynn. Or maybe, it would only complicate things.

Regardless, I wasn’t here tonight to partake in a scene. With the volatile anger still coursing through my veins, I’d likely strangle one of the submissives to death, not that it would be the worst thing I could do. Blair’s bloodied and beaten body flashed between my eyes, and I staggered backward where I encountered a wall of muscle.

When I turned, I saw another Dominant, Pierre, who was now looking strangely at me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I muttered, then looked over my shoulder at the bar. Right now, there was only one other person sitting there. “I came for a drink,” I told him before walking away.

When I reached the bar, the other Dominant sitting there was Stavros. If I wanted to take my anger out on anyone for bringing Brynn into my life, it should be him, but as he gave a curt nod and went back to his whiskey, I decided it wasn’t worth it. The bartender moved down the bar to me, and he didn’t have to ask. A minute later, he slid a glass of scotch in front of me.