Page 235 of When We Fall: Part One

“This is a lot,” she murmured.

“Yeah, I, uh, I’m trying to stay ahead of everything.”

She nodded and looked back at me. “What’s it like?”

“Working? Tiring.” I let out an awkward laugh.

She smiled at me and slid onto my table, her long legs on display beneath her pink skirt. I caught myself thinking about pushing her flat on the tabletop and kissing her until she begged me for more. I hadn’t slept with her since the kings had arrived.

Again, I was neglecting her, and maybe it was because of that shit in my head about seeing her on stage with Anson. I’d gone over it a hundred times in my mind. I knew she cared about him. I knew he cared about her. He was a million times better than any of us, Fox being the exception. She’d be better off with Anson and Fox, but fuck, it killed me to have that thought. It kept me awake at night when I considered how it could end for us, especially if she got a recording deal and Anson whisked her away to live her dreams.

Perpetual hell.

That’s what I lived in. I wanted her to achieve her dreams, but I was also selfish and never wanted to let her go to pursue them. That just made me a sad fucking prick.

“No. Using them. What does it feel like?” She cocked her head at me.

I swallowed and looked away from her. “I don’t know, sweetheart. It’s just an escape. It makes me feel out of touch with reality, I guess.”

“Can I try?”

I snapped my attention back at her, my words appearing sharper than I wanted them to. “Why?”

“Maybe I need an escape, too,” she said, her big green eyes wide and full of sadness and innocence as she stared back at me. “Plus, I think maybe I could understand everything better. It might make things easier for both of us.”

“Everything is fine, babe,” I said, brushing her words off. “If you need an escape, we can maybe get some ice cream…” I watched as she lifted a bag of sugar off the table and peered at it.

“How do I do it?”

“You don’t,” I said, going to her and snagging the bag from her hand. “You don’t need to be doing this shit.”

She huffed at me. “No one needs to be doing this shit. Yet, here we are, in a room of alternate reality with the Sugar Daddy.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. She wasn’t herself. I didn’t like it.

“What’s going on with you? You’re being weird. I don’t want to fight, Rosalie,” I said wearily. She was never like this.

She sighed. “I didn’t come here to fight. I just missed you.”

“I miss you too?—”

“You’re distant again. I’ve barely seen you. Why?”

I shrugged. “Just life, you know? Busy. Classes. This.” I gestured around half-heartedly to all the drugs I’d created.

“I want to do this with you. Only once, so I know what it’s like. I’ll do it without you if I have to. It’s not like I can’t just buy it from someone?—”

“No,” I snapped. “I don’t want you to fucking do it all. Can’t you see what a goddamn mess I am? Is that what you want to be? A fucking piece of shit mess?”

“You’re not?—”

“Don’t fucking tell me what I am, Rosalie! I know what I fucking am. I’m an addict who fucking escapes reality because I’m too much of a pussy to deal with it. I’m a piece of shit who ignores the one thing in my life that’s good because I’m terrified it’ll leave me. Break me. I don’t want you to fucking do this shit because I don’t want you to be me! I fucking HATE me!” My chest heaved at my words, and my eyes locked on hers.

“Why do you think I’ll leave?” she whispered.

I scoffed at her. “I’m not blind. I see the way you and Anson look at each other. You’ve told me you care about him. I just… you’d be better off with him than with me, and it fucking kills me to know that because all I want to do in this world is keep you. Forever. I love you more than I love myself. Unfortunately, my love of thefucking escapetrumps it all. Because I’m afraid. You’ll eventually realize I’m a waste of time, and that’ll be it. You’ll go. You can promise me you won’t, but I know you will. I would leave me. Everyone leaves me. Hurts me. The last thing I want is to bring you down with me. That means no to the drugs. They are my demons. I won’t make them yours.”

Tears blurred her pretty eyes as she stared back at me.