Page 9 of When I Should’ve Stayed (Red Bridge #2)

Clay

The whole town is here, supporting Josie in her coffee shop’s big debut, and I feel like a schmuck standing in the background when all I want to do is be the man at her side.

Watching Josie move on with her life so completely is indescribably difficult.

It’s not that I don’t want good things for her…

I do. I just want her to have all the good things she deserves and still be with me, too.

And standing here on the fringe of CAFFEINE’s opening, a useless extra in her story, feels downright sadistic.

Yet here I am, like a heartbroken fool, staring toward the only woman I want to be with but who doesn’t want to be with me.

“What time is your appointment?” I ask Bennett, trying to distract myself from the absolute burning rage and anguish I feel poisoning my veins.

“In about an hour and a half. We’ll probably take off here in a minute,” Bennett answers, and I nod, turning back to look at the front of CAFFEINE again.

My focus goes straight to Josie’s warm smile through the open door.

Seeing her look at Pete that way and knowing she’ll never do it while she looks at me again makes me rub at the pressure in my chest. Bennett’s eyes are narrowed when I turn back toward him.

“You know, Clay, I think you should probably take off too.”

“I’m fine,” I say, my jaw locked.

Bennett laughs in my face, the bastard. “You look ready to spit bullets. Put yourself out of your misery and go home. Or anywhere else. Just leave here.”

I take a deep breath and refocus my energy.

Away from Josie and back to Bennett and Summer and the most important things in front of us—her hard road with Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type III and supporting my best friend and his daughter in all the ways that I can.

“So, what exactly did Dr. Brock say? You’re going to have to keep doing this all the time? ”

“Yeah,” Bennett answers, swiveling Summer around in her stroller and handing her another plushie.

Most of the time now, it’s safer for her delicate bones if she only plays with soft toys.

She smiles a toothy grin up at us, and I fall a little more in love with her.

“He said the best way to be proactive is to have Summer do monthly scans. We went ahead and booked a standing appointment for the second Tuesday of every month. We can change it if we need to, obviously, but that way, we’re staying on top of any new breaks she might have gotten every month. ”

“And, what? That’s it? You don’t do any other treatments or anything?

” I question, my mind still trying to understand how this beautiful, vibrant little girl has been dealt such a shit hand.

The instant Bennett told me about her diagnosis when he first came to Red Bridge, I spent hours and days researching it all on Google.

Most people know it as brittle bone disease, and unfortunately for sweet Summer, she has one of the most advanced cases of it.

Honestly, with the innovations in medicine and technology, it rattles my fucking skull that all her treatment plan revolves around is being proactive. Surely there should be a damn cure by now.

“I guess it’ll be a take it as it comes kind of thing.” Bennett shrugs, his jaw working furiously to keep himself in check.

Summer’s pain is his pain. And even though she’s just about the happiest little girl you’ll ever meet, her daily struggles and limitations are challenging.

She’ll never be a normal kid. She’ll never get to play at the playground or be on a sports team.

Her life revolves around being as cautious as possible.

“He says we can brace and cast where appropriate, but one of our best weapons is just handling her with care to try to prevent the breaks in the first place,” Bennett adds, and I clap a gentle hand to his shoulder and squeeze.

There’s nothing else I can say, you know?

All I can do is be there for him and Summer as much as I can.

“Daddy! Go!” Summer exclaims and claps her hands. Her little pink cast knocks her plushie onto the ground, and Bennett picks it up and hands it back to her.

“We’re going to go in just a minute, baby,” he says and gently brushes his hand against her cheek, his eyes warming in a way they only do for his daughter.

I glance back through the open door of the coffee shop with a different perspective, found in the eyes and soul of a father’s love, and everything I’ll never have with Josie— the family I’ll never have —hits me right in the face.

I just don’t fucking understand how it all went so wrong.

“Uncie Clayyyy!” Summer calls from down below, grabbing my attention again and making me squat in front of her.

“What’s up, pretty girl?”

She holds up her plushie in front of me and smiles. “Pink puppy.”

“Yep.” I grin at her and make a show of shaking her pink puppy’s paw. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Pink Puppy.”

“She a gurl!” Summer exclaims. “Gurl like Summer!”

“Oh, sorry,” I apologize with dramatic wide eyes before smiling at her puppy. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Pink Puppy. And what a cute girl puppy you are.”

She giggles. “Daddyyy Clay Daddy Clay,” she babbles, and I nod again before Bennett sighs heavily as he checks the time on his watch.

“All right. Yeah. We better go. I don’t know what traffic will be like getting into Burlington.” He turns serious eyes to me. “But, really, you should leave too.”

I glance inside the store again, watching as Earl stares up at the menu with his hands in his back pockets, holding up the line behind him.

A crowd full of people showed up here today, and still, I imagine she’s feeling the absence of Grandma Rose pretty acutely.

I wish I could be there for her—wish I could help.

“Maybe I’ll just go in and order a drink.

Be neighborly, friendly-like, you know?”

“No, man. I don’t know.” Bennett’s voice is incredulous. “Because I don’t think that’s a good idea at all.”

“We’re going to have to be civil at some point, I’d think,” I say, ignoring the burning indignation I feel every time I look at her to spout some bullshit.

Unfortunately for me, Ben isn’t buying it at all.

“Yeah, but I don’t think we’re at some point yet,” Bennett says. “Really, Clay.” I turn back to look at him, and his face is hard with warning. “This is a special day for her, and despite all the bullshit, you seem to still really care about her. Maybe you should just let her have this moment.”

I sigh and slide my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I mean, Bennett is right. I don’t want to ruin this for her any more than I wanted to get the stupid divorce papers from her four months ago in the first place. I love her and, at least right now, it feels like I always will.

“I’ll behave, okay? You guys get going to your appointment and don’t worry about me.”

Bennett shakes his head but sighs again. “All right, Sum. Let’s hit it.”

Summer waves her chubby uncasted arm at me excitedly, and I grin at her so big my face hurts. She’s a constant happy piece in a puzzle full of negative emotions. “Bye-bye, Uncie Clayyy!”

“Bye, baby girl. You and your daddy be sure to come over for dinner soon, okay?”

Summer nods, babbling, “Dindin, daddy, doooo.”

“I think that’s a yes.” I laugh and Bennett smiles.

“We’ll come over next Monday when the bar’s closed.”

“Sounds good.”

“But seriously, behave yourself.” Bennett claps me on the shoulder one last time before walking away to head to his truck, and I turn back to face CAFFEINE one last time, my hands on my hips.

Maybe I can just congratulate her? Be the bigger person for a shadow of a moment and then get the hell out of here. Surely I can do that.

Right?

Right. Of course. I’ve loved this woman for years. She may not want to be with me anymore, but maybe, I don’t know, she just needed time?

Maybe I can show her how big of a person I can be, and she’ll realize that we really are supposed to be together…

I glance back to make sure Bennett and Summer are gone—to rule out my best friend’s thwarting—and then head for the door, falling in line behind Deputy Felix Rice and Sheila Higgins.

Josie doesn’t notice me back here; she’s too busy, and that’s probably a good thing.

The goal is to get in and out of this unscathed, not to make a scene.

I’m just going to show my support. That’s it.

To distract myself from the woman behind the counter, I strike up a conversation with Sheila Higgins, who stands directly in front of me in line. “Hey, Sheil, how’s it going?”

“It’s okay, I guess.” She shrugs, a little frown turning down one side of her mouth. “Marty’s a little down and out because he got laid off from the plant.”

“Oh, no way,” I say, feeling genuine sadness for them. If Phelps is laying people off, it’s bound to affect a lot of folks in town. “Marty’s a good guy and a good worker. I’m sure he’ll get back on his feet soon.”

Sheila’s smile is brittle. “That’s what I’ve been telling him, but he’s having a little bit of an existential crisis over it. Says he wants to try doing something else entirely.”

“A whole new career path?” I question, and she nods.

“I don’t know exactly what his plan is, but I’m hoping he comes up with something soon.” Her mouth forms a grimace. “Money’s bound to get tight, if you know what I mean.”

Instantly, an idea pops into my head. “You know, why don’t you tell him to come down to the bar and talk to me? I’m slammed most nights, and being the only one making drinks is getting a little overwhelming.”

“Are you serious?” Sheila asks, and for the first time since I stepped into this line, the stress lines around her eyes have lifted.

“Of course I am, Sheil. I mean, I don’t know if he’d be interested in bartending, but maybe I could take him on at least part time if it sounds like something Marty would want to do.”

“Oh my God, Clay!” she cries, jumping up to hug me. “That would be amazing.”

I feel a little high off Sheila’s joy, thrilled that I could be a bright spot in her down-and-out day. I hug her right back, but when I look over her shoulder, Josie is staring at me, hard. We lock eyes, and my mood instantly shifts from happy to bone-deep fucking sad.

And every single part of my plan when I first came in here, when I first stepped into her coffee shop line, goes right out the window.

I don’t know how to be here. I don’t know how to be anywhere.

Truth is, I don’t know how to be without Josie at all.