Page 36 of When I Should’ve Stayed (Red Bridge #2)

Josie

My brain feels like it’s swimming in my skull, swirling ’round and ’round in a pool of water, and it takes me a hot minute to grab my cup of yummo wine. Good job, Josie Posie. Good job. It’s a mental party in my head when I get the cup into my hands and lift it to my lips.

And the wines go down smoooooooth. Delicious.

I don’t know how long I’ve been drinking, but Breezy is still here and there’s still wine. For me, right now, that’s all I need to know.

“What glass is this, Breezes?” I ask, and she looks up from her phone.

“That’s your fifth, honey.”

“I’ve had fives glasses? Holy shits!” I cackle, and Breezes looks at me weird. “I don’t d-rink a lot.” I scrub a hand down my face after a little burp pops out. “But damn, I prolly should drink more.”

Breezy goes back to looking at her phone.

I dunno what she’s doing over there, but I know I like her.

She brought me this wine. How couldn’t I like her?

Wine is so good. So, so good. I take it upon myself to get up from my chair and pour another.

Breezy was doing this for me before, but she’s doing boss bitches shit on her phone and I don’t want to bother her.

“Whoops a daisies,” I mutter when some of the wine spills on the counter.

I lift the material of my dress to wipe it off.

Good as new. I smile down at the clean counter and do a little celebratory dance on my bare feet.

I don’t know where my heels are, but who cares.

Heels suck big balls. And the men who love women in heels should shut up.

They should wear the heels. Not us women.

I lift my trusty cup of wine to my lips and drink it. And when the drinking isn’t enough drinking because I want more wine, I want a lot of wine , I chug the fucker.

But when I lift the cup again and put it to my lips, nothing comes out.

“Shit,” I mutter, staring into the cup to figure out where the wine is at.

It’s empty. “Guess I need another.” I grab one of the bottles and try to pour it, but when nothing comes out, I grab the other bottle and just drink from it instead.

Though, the damn thing runs out so quickly. It’s like the wine is disappearing. Where’s Jesus when you need him, you know? Pretty sure he could figure out a way to get me a refill.

“Hey…” I pause when I look at my new bestie, but for the life of me, I can’t think of her name.

Shit. What’s her name? I think it’s, like, weathery.

Like, something with the weather. Rain? No.

Tornado? No. Though, that would be pretty funny if her name was Tornado. Oh! I snap my fingers. It’s the wind!

“Windy,” I call toward her, but she doesn’t look up. “Hey, Windy!” I say louder this time, and she looks up at me with a tilt of her head. “We gots any more wine?”

She shakes her head.

“Shit.”

“I know, it’s a bummer,” she says and pats a chair next to her.

“But since we’re out and all, how about you come sit down for a minute?

” My face a pouty frown, I head back over to the table and sit down beside her.

“How are you feeling?” she questions, putting her phone facedown on the table.

I guess she’s done boss bitching. I can’t remember what Windy does, but I know she, like, runs shit. Like real boss bitch shit.

“You’re a boss bitch, aren’t you?”

She laughs at that. “I am. And so are you.”

“I am?”

“You own this coffee shop. That’s definitely boss bitch shit.”

“That’s right!” I exclaim and hold out my arms, looking around CAFFEINE with a smile. “I run this bitch because I’m a boss bitch.”

“Damn straight.”

“Windy, my grandma woulda loved to see this place. She would be so happies I started it. She was always pushing me and pushing me! Get outta that comfort zone!”

“She would definitely be proud.” Her smile is soft like butter, and after staring at her pretty eyes and her perfect skin for a minute or so, I realize her name isn’t Windy at all.

“Your name isn’t Windy, is it?”

She shakes her head, and a little laugh leaves her lips. “Breezy.”

“Breeeezy!” I clap my hands. “I was so close.”

“Not really, but that’s okay.”

“Did you know my grandma?”

She smiles. “I wish I’d known her better—that I’d taken the time to be here more before now. But from what I know of her, she was awesome.”

“She was awesome. Pretty much the best.” God, I miss her. I miss her so much some days I still find it hard to breathe.

Breezy smiles. “And I know she thought the same of you. Rose loved you, Josie.”

“She loved Clay too,” I tell her. “Wanted me to marry him. I did. But it was the same day she had her stroke.” I lean my head back to look at the ceiling. “She was all alone when she had her stroke because I was on my mooning in the woods with Clay. I hope she wasn’t scared.”

“I don’t think she was scared, Josie.” A hand covers mine, and I look down to find that it’s Breezy’s. “And I definitely don’t think she was mad at you for not being there, you know? Women like her want to see their granddaughters live their lives. They want them happy and fulfilled.”

I was definitely happy and fulfilled with Clay. Until I wasn’t.

I keep staring at Breezy’s hand. “I didn’t get to tell her that Clay and I eloped. She didn’t know he was my husband. I mean, I said it to her when she was in the hospital, but she wasn’t aware of anything then.”

“She knew,” Breezy assures me. “She might not have been able to tell you she knew, but she knew.”

“You think so?”

She nods. “When someone is dying, their hearing is the last to go. So, whatever you told her in those final moments, she heard you.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’ve had a number of conversations with Charlie, Summer’s nurse, recently,” she says, and she looks so sad that I want to hug her. “Charlie has worked with a lot of hospice patients, and she says even if it doesn’t seem like the patient can hear you, they can.”

My lip quivers as I think of the sweet little girl I fell in love with the day Bennett showed up with her in the bar. “I’m gonna miss her so much.” I think of all the time I’ve lost out on with her because of the rift between Clay and me, and my voice softens. “I’ve already missed so much.”

Breezy’s lips turn down in the saddest frown. “Me too.”

“I remember when Ben brought her to Red Bridge. She was just a tiny baby. So cute. So sweet.” I squeeze Breezy’s hand. “I helped Clay and Ben take care of her. They were so damn clueless.”

She laughs at that, a few tears falling down her face in great opposition. “Ben loves that girl more than anything in this world.”

I nod. “He does.”

“I hope he’s going to be okay,” she says. “He has a history of going a little off the rails.”

“We’re gonna make sure he’s okay. Me and you and Norah and Clay. We’re gonna make sure.”

“We will, won’t we?”

“We will.” I tap her hand.

“Norah loves Ben. So much. She loves Summer too. She’ll be there.

And if there’s one thing that Clay is, it’s a good man.

Prolly the best man. He’ll make sure his best dude is okay.

He’ll be there. He’s good that way.” I lift my hand to scrub it down my face.

“It’s prolly why I’m still in loves with him, you know? ”

Breezy tilts her head to the side a little. “I didn’t realize you still loved him.”

“Never stopped.” I blow out a breath, and it makes my lips tickle from the vibrations. “It sucks.”

“Why did you divorce him?” she asks, but then adds, “Or, at least, try to divorce him?”

“We’re still married,” I blurt out. “How fucked is that? We’re supposed to be not married, but we’re married. He’s still my husband. I’m still Clay’s wife!”

“I can imagine that was a shock today, finding that out.”

“Just about passed out from it.”

“You tried to strangle him too,” she teases, and I cringe.

“Not a good look, huhs?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know that anyone would have a good look when they found out the man they thought they divorced had managed to keep them married.”

“Bingo bongo, girl.” I point one index finger at her face.

“How long ago did you divorce?”

“Um…” I try to count the years in my head, and when that feels impossible, I lift a hand and start to use my fingers. “One…two…three… Like…five years, I think?”

Her eyes are wide. “Five years ago?”

“Yeah. I’ve been married to that fucker for five years and didn’t even know it.”

She shakes her head on a laugh. “Now I see why you almost strangled him on the altar this afternoon.”

I burst into laughter, but as it goes on, it transforms, turning into a sob of sorts.

Tears stream down my face, and I have to clutch at my chest it feels so tight.

All the stupid emotions and feelings and memories, so many memories , feel like they’re stuck inside me, and if I don’t let some of them free, I’ll explode.

“I didn’t want to divorce him, but I had to. Too much shit had happened. So many sad and terrible things. And the accident! I almost lost him in a car wreck, did you know that?”

Breezy shakes her head…or maybe she doesn’t; I don’t know. All I can do is keep talking as my vision turns a little hazy.

“I was driving and we were fighting, and next thing I knew, everything was chaos. Screeching and, God, the sound of the metal crunching. It was so terrible.”

“God, Josie.” Breezy’s voice is near my ear, but I’m too busy staring at the table. “I’m so sorry, honey. But thank goodness you all survived.”

My words are a haunted whisper. “Not all of us.”

I don’t even realize tears are streaming down my cheeks until she reaches out to swipe a few away. “ Josie .” My name on her lips is the embodiment of all my pain.

“He never even knew about the baby,” I admit shamefully. “I never got to tell him. I wish I’d told him.”

“Oh, honey,” she whispers and slides her chair closer to mine to wrap her arms around me. “I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”

“It’s all my fault. The wreck. The baby. Grandma Rose being alone.”

“No, Josie,” She squeezes me tighter. “None of those things were your fault.”

Yeah, they were. And so was the rest of it.

I find myself wrapping my arms around her and hugging her right back. Some things, no matter how much I wish they would be, will never be the same.