Page 18 of When I Should’ve Stayed (Red Bridge #2)
Clay
One minute, I’m just minding my own business, heading toward the back parking lot of Earl’s to grab some essentials, and the next, I’m watching Josie walk out of the automatic doors, her eyes fixated on her feet and a bunch of bouquets of flowers in her hands.
She climbs into her SUV, and I don’t know what possesses me to forgo my grocery shopping plans entirely, but I find myself pulling out after her and following her from a distance.
I’m hoping if I’m asked in a formal— you know, police-like —setting, I’ll be able to spin it as something other than stalking.
“ I swear, Sheriff Peeler, I pulled into the back of the parking lot while she was pulling out of the front, and next thing I knew, I wasn’t pulling into a spot and parking, but instead, I was still moving, and I was doing it in the same direction as her.”
Completely reasonable. Completely innocent.
Right?
God almighty, I have lost my freaking mind . And not only that, I show absolutely no signs of finding it anytime soon.
I put the truck in park just behind a cropping of trees on the far end of the cemetery as Josie drives into the parking lot and pulls into a spot.
It’s a tense minute or two before she gets out, and I spend the time calling myself every name in the book and even a few that didn’t make the traditional insult cut.
Festering knob.
Desperate prick.
Sneaking snake.
Much more of this and I’m going to have to break down and have myself committed—
Every part of me freezes, my breath catching in my chest. She climbs out of her red Chevy Acadia, and I can’t pull my eyes away from her.
She looks beautiful as always, her wild hair down around her shoulders, and her soft yellow sundress hugs her petite body just right.
Her Jezebelle of the Fiery Eyes, the tattoo she broke down and told me one night when we were still together that she’d gotten for her late sister, and the Venus flytrap etched beside it stand out in the bright sunlight, and her cowboy boots are well-appointed for stomping all over my ragged heart.
She’s perfect. Just like she’s always been.
And if I look close enough, I can even spot the necklace she always wears. The sun glimmers off the gold letter J that sits at the base of her neck, another poignant reminder she keeps of her sister Jezzy. One that I know she never takes off, not even to shower.
It’s mind-blowing how I can know someone so well— so fucking well —yet feel so far away from them.
Josie stops at Grandma Rose’s grave first, laying a bouquet of flowers on the headstone and sitting down in the grass in front of it for a spell. I can see her mouth moving, and I know she’s talking to Rose. And I imagine Rose is listening, even if her bodily presence isn’t with us anymore.
I rest my chin on the steering wheel as memories of nights with the two of them assault me.
Spaghetti noodle fights and warm cake fresh out of the oven.
Firefly nights on the back porch with a good book read aloud by Rose while Josie and I got wine tipsy from the cheap stuff in a box.
Movie madness bingeathons anytime either one of them was feeling under the weather and hot soup cooking on the stove for hours and hours anytime I was.
It was the best time of my life, so I guess it’s not a surprise I can’t stop wishing I were still in it.
Josie kisses the tips of her fingers and touches them to Rose’s headstone before climbing to her feet again, and I watch her like a love-sick creep as she walks two spots over to her dad.
Again, she places the flowers and sits down in the grass, and I imagine her telling him how Norah’s just shown up in her life again and the million mixed ways she feels about it.
I can practically hear the words in my head as I imagine her telling him, I need a breather , the coping skill he was smart enough to give his girls from a very young age. I didn’t know her dad, Danny Ellis, personally, but with the way this town talks about him, I sure wish I had.
What Josie’s going through now is way more complicated than long-lost sisters, and I wish more than anything I could be a sounding board for her to talk through it.
Instead, I watch patiently—and helplessly—as she uses the silent presence of her dad, and I pray it helps her.
Because as painful as it is, I know damn well my showing up uninvited won’t.
My phone rings in my cupholder and startles me so badly I nearly jump through the roof. I try to grab it quickly and end up bobbling it, smacking it between my hands until I can finally catch it and put it to my ear.
“Hello?” I answer on a nervous whisper, despite the fact that Josie is completely occupied as she moves to her sister Jezzy’s grave now, more than a hundred yards away.
“Why are you whispering?” Bennett asks, his voice already annoyed with me.
There’s no way I’m telling him the truth, so instead, I find a way to gain my composure and raise my voice to a normal volume and cadence. “No reason. What’s up?”
“Summer was asking if you could come have dinner tonight. I told her I was vehemently opposed, but she insisted.”
I laugh. “You really are such a dick sometimes.”
“Yeah,” Bennett affirms, owning the title without shame. “I know.”
“Of course I’ll come.” These days, even with it being as hard as it is to see Bennett’s sweet girl in pain and her chronic condition progressing at an alarming rate, Summer is the highlight of my life.
I love her so much. It’s only been seven years since Bennett showed up at my bar with her in a car seat, but the love I have in my heart for that little girl feels like it’s been growing for a lifetime.
“Figured,” he grunts out. “I told her you wouldn’t have any other plans.”
“What is this?” I scoff. “Shit on Clay Harris Day?”
Josie gets up from her spot in front of Jezzy’s grave and heads back in the direction of her car, and I duck down lower in my seat on instinct. I don’t think she can see me, but now that she’s actively facing this direction, I’m not so sure.
“I’m just trying to figure out if we’re both going to be a couple of single fucks for the rest of our lives or if it’s just me,” Ben says, and his responding sigh is both grumpy and amused. A dichotomy only Bennett Bishop can pull off at the same time.
Josie climbs into her car and backs out of the spot seemingly without noticing me, and I relax enough to scoot back up in my seat, rubbing at my face as I do.
“I think you know where I stand,” I answer honestly, hating the words and myself for being so fucking impossibly attached to a woman who doesn’t want me anymore. Who hasn’t wanted me for years . It’s a pathetic stance to take, but evidently, it’s a hill I’m willing to rot and die on.
Bennett chuffs. “At least we’ll have each other, I guess. See you tonight at six.”
Yeah. At least we’ll have each other. Great .
“Six,” I agree.
I hang up the phone and consider driving away, but before I can stop myself, I’m out of the truck and walking toward Grandma Rose’s grave myself.
I take a seat in the grass Josie occupied not long ago and stretch out my legs, picturing Rose’s sweet but mischievous smile in my mind.
I have a lot of regrets in this life, but knowing and loving Rose will never be one of them.
“Hey, Grandma,” I whisper, looking up at the clouds as they float across the sky. “Sorry it’s been a while since I visited.”
She doesn’t answer, of course, but I imagine she’s not nearly as mad at me as I am at myself.
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Josie told you, I’m sure, but there’s a whole lot of stuff coming up for her now, with Norah and Jezzy and their mom, and I’d really appreciate it if you’d send her some strength from wherever you are.
I know Josie has to be…terrified. Guilty.
Fucking torn up, in plain English, though I’m sorry for cursing.
She still blames herself for not watching Jezzy in that tub even though she was just a kid herself, and I know she’s probably blaming herself for cutting Norah out of her life all those years ago when she came to Red Bridge. ”
I pick a blade of grass from the ground, twist it between my fingers, and then toss it in the air to float in the wind.
Sadness sticks in my throat, and I have to swallow around the emotion several times before I can speak again.
“I’m…sorry I didn’t let her call you when she wanted to on our wedding day. So unbelievably sorry.”
A tear falls from the corner of my eye, and I brush it away, trying to suck myself back inside to the hollow place where I survive. “I regret it every day, and I’m sure Josie regrets it even more. I know she blames me. I blame me too.”
I pull my lips into my mouth, chuckling lightly. “Still, if I had another chance, I’d do it all right. I promise you that. I don’t know if this is your specialty or if you’ve got a line to the Big Guy up there, but if you can find it in your heart to guide her back to me, I’d appreciate it.”
I reach out to touch her stone just like Josie did and imagine our fingers touching each other. “I miss you, Grandma. And I really miss her too.”