Page 28 of When I Should’ve Stayed (Red Bridge #2)

Josie

Frail, delicate skin and a loose grip are a tortured memory I’ll carry forever.

Grandma Rose lies in the bed in front of me, her mind essentially gone, and her body carried only by the machines sustaining it.

She can’t hear me talking, and she can’t give me quips back. She doesn’t even know I’m here, let alone that I got married yesterday.

I rub at the soft skin on the back of her hand and let the tears flow down my cheeks unchecked. My face is swollen and my heart is weak and an incredible pain feels like an acid burn in my stomach.

It took over an hour to get here in the middle of the night, and it was the hardest drive of my entire life. I wasn’t there to help her when the stroke happened; I wasn’t there to race her to the hospital. I wasn’t there at all.

Instead, I was tucked away in a cabin in the woods after secretly running off and getting married. I didn’t even call to tell her the good news, stupidly thinking I’d have plenty of time tomorrow.

“God, I’m so sorry, Grandma.” My voice is choked as I squeeze her hand. “I’m so, so sorry.”

I flinch when a hand lands gently on my shoulder, and I look up to find my grandmother’s best friend standing beside me.

“Thank you so much for being such a good friend, Melba,” I say softly. If they didn’t have a nightly ritual of talking on the phone to gossip about the day, I don’t know how long Grandma would have been there all alone. But when she didn’t answer, Melba drove straight to her house to check.

“If I’d been there, maybe I could’ve—”

Melba squeezes my shoulder. “Don’t do that, honey. The doctors said this thing was a ticking time bomb that none of us could have prevented. They said it would have been fast and that she wouldn’t have even known it was happening.”

My voice is brittle. “And you believe that?”

“I have to.”

I nod. I understand completely. Because thinking the alternative will destroy you.

It’s sure as fuck destroying me.

Clay comes into the room quietly and sets a coffee on the table beside me. I look back and try to smile gratefully, but I know that my expression is hollow. Neither one of us can change how these events transpired, and it’s a helpless feeling.

One that can’t be fixed or made right or explained away.

I know there’s no blame to be placed—but I wouldn’t wish the hell of this hindsight on anyone.

He places a gentle and fleeting kiss to the top of my head and then steps away again, giving me the space to hold Grandma’s hand and work through my feelings myself.

I can’t imagine if he were smothering me with affection or words of encouragement right now, and I’m eternally grateful that he seems to have figured that out.

Melba squeezes my shoulder once more before stepping out of the room too, and I lean forward to touch my cheek to Grandma’s hand.

It’s warm still, thanks to the machines, but all the life it gave before is starkly gone. I can’t believe it’s never coming back.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I whisper again, a fresh wave of tears cascading down to wet the linens at her side.

“I’m sorry I went off and got married without telling you.

You should’ve been there. And I should’ve been with you.

You mean everything to me. You always have.

And the thought of doing life without you—”

My voice cuts out, my whole body breaking on a sob.

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

I’m not ready.

But I guess, just like Grandma Rose always told me, I won’t be.

And this time, she was right. When it comes to losing her, I never, ever will be.