Page 39 of When I Should’ve Stayed (Red Bridge #2)

Josie

Norah’s breathing is shallow but sound, her eyes fluttering slightly with the restlessness of her sleep. I rub a hand over her back and pull the comforter higher, hoping to settle her some.

It’s a little after eleven, and with everything she’s been through in the last twenty-four hours, I’m not surprised she’s already passed out.

The guilt she carries over bringing the mess of Thomas and our mother to Bennett’s doorstep, while unnecessary, is at an all-time peak after this morning.

Bennett having been pulled away from Summer’s bedside during some of her final moments, and whatever Bennett said to her while he was leaving the police station, hasn’t helped.

I thought she’d still be at his house—with him and Summer—but instead, she’s been here for hours, the broken mess of her story eating her alive.

She’s more than the letter she got from a girl named Alexis on her would-be wedding day detailing the illegal and heinous acts our mother and Thomas have been involved in, and she’s more than a woman who begrudgingly brought it to the station like Bennett asked.

She’s powerful and strong and bighearted, and I know she’d sacrifice herself ten times over if Bennett and Summer needed her to.

She loves them both…fiercely. And her final goodbye to that sweet little girl this afternoon, on top of everything else, has been too much to bear.

When she got home this afternoon, I held her while she cried and buried my own feelings deep in the well of my stomach where I’ve been storing them for years. I wanted to be strong. To be steadfast. To help my sister in all the ways I haven’t been able to for years.

But now that she’s asleep, my own feelings are stirring, and by God, do they hurt.

My chest feels tight and my heart physically sick. Summer Bishop should not be dying, and I don’t care about some greater plan. I want her to stay here, with us, forever.

I snag my phone from the coffee table and send a text to someone I know is hurting just like me.

Me: How is she?

Breezy’s response comes a minute later.

Breezy: It’s not much longer. Do you want to come say goodbye?

Instantly, tears prick my eyes, but I’m up and moving without a second thought. As hard as this will be for me, I don’t want Summer to question for even a second if I loved her enough to be there when she needed me.

Me: On my way.

…

Bennett’s house is quiet, the lights are dim, and a pall of sadness hangs in every vestige of the air as I step inside. Breezy sits at the kitchen table, her eyes red-rimmed and swollen, and I pull the door closed behind me as gently as I can manage.

“Where’s Ben?” I ask, my voice soft. “Is he okay?” It’s a stupid question. I know it. None of us are fucking okay here. But it’s the desperate need to make him that way that has me asking anyway.

She shakes her head. “He’s in there with her.”

I dig my teeth into my bottom lip to fight back the emotion that wants to break open like a dam from my chest. Losing a child is the worst thing anyone can experience. I know this to be true, and I only had weeks to fall in love. Bennett has had years.

Breezy reaches for my hand and stands from the table, leading me toward Summer’s bedroom. I hesitate just before we get to the cracked door, pulling on Breezy’s arm. She stops and turns back, her brows drawn together.

“I don’t want to intrude on Bennett’s time.”

Breezy’s face is soft in a way that suggests she sees right through me. I came to say goodbye, but now that I’m here, it feels impossible.

“He’s expecting you,” she says simply. I swallow hard, nodding slightly, and she pushes through the door gently.

Charlie is on the far bedside, adjusting the oxygen mask on Summer’s face, and her chest moves up and down, painfully labored.

Bennett sits on this side, his head bowed with her hand in his.

She looks so small, I have to suck my lips into my mouth to keep them from quivering. Her skin is so pale it almost looks translucent, her eyes are closed, and her lips have a bluish tint that makes a deep, nagging ache claw at my stomach.

Bennett glances over his shoulder and meets my eyes. All I can do is nod toward him. He looks back at his daughter, lifts her hand to press kisses to her fingers, and gently sets it back on the bed before rising to his feet.

He doesn’t say anything to me, but I can’t stop myself from meeting him halfway to the door and wrapping him up in a hug.

I hug him hard and tight, and it only takes a few seconds before he’s hugging me back.

I can feel his chest vibrate with each sob, and I silently tell him how sorry I am through my embrace.

When I release him, his devastated gaze meets mine for just a moment before he gives my shoulder one gentle squeeze and walks out the door with Breezy.

I take a deep breath and head over to the empty chair beside Summer’s bed and sit down. The closer I get to her, the more I know how bad it really is. Her last days have now become hours, and her little body can’t go on much longer.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I reach out to gently place my hand over hers, feeling her soft skin for the first time in years.

Between the rift and her fragility, I can’t remember the last time we made contact.

I weave my fingers with hers, rubbing my thumb over the pink-glitter-polished nail on her pinkie.

“I love you, sweet girl. More than the moon and the stars and all the time and space in between. You showed people how to love, me included. You showed me what’s right and important, and you lit up this whole town’s world. ”

I bow my head and rest it on her hand, trying like hell to keep the sobs that want to escape my lungs under control.

I’ve known this little girl since she was a baby.

For the first few years of her life, I was her Auntie Josie.

I saw her all the time. I cuddled her and played with her and fed her bottles and changed her diapers.

She’s not supposed to die, and she’s certainly not supposed to do it before me.

A hand grips my shoulder, and I look up, fully expecting it to be Charlie or Breezy, but I’m shocked to find Clay standing there, his mouth set in a firm line and tears already shining within his eyes.

Instantly, relief fills my chest at his presence. For as many wrongs as we’ve made, being here together with Summer in these final moments couldn’t be more right.

We look at each other for a long moment, silence stretching between us, but it’s not awkward or uncomfortable. It’s a wordless exchange of the past. Of how much this little girl has meant to us. Of how she was a happy part of our early journey as a couple.

“I’m glad you’re both here together.” Charlie’s voice grabs my attention, and I look across the room to find her walking toward us.

“A few weeks ago, Summer and I were going through some of her old books and photos and coloring books and toys, and she came across this.” She holds out a folded piece of paper, and Clay takes it from her outstretched hand. “She wanted me to give it to you.”

Clay squats down beside my chair and carefully unfolds the paper. It’s a page from a coloring book, Snow White the focus. Pink crayon scribbles are all over the page, and in the corner of it sits a drawing of a bride and groom that takes me back five years in time.

Clay loves Josie is written above the happy figures, and tears stream down my cheeks in thick waves as memories of that day in his bar fill my mind.

“I’ll give you two a moment with her, okay?” Charlie says, and seconds later, she quietly leaves the room.

Summer was so little then, only a toddler, but she was just this happy, giggly, adorable little thing who loved to color with her pink crayon and ask a million questions.

She had her struggles, but back then, she was vibrant with life, and anyone in her in her presence couldn’t stop themselves from smiling.

She was light and love and joy, and she was so special to both Clay and me.

Clay’s gaze meets mine, and I see that he, too, has tears streaming down his face.

“It’s not fair,” I whisper through a sob, and he doesn’t hesitate to rise to his feet and pull me out of my chair and into his arms.

“I know,” he whispers back. “I know.”

His tight embrace is the only thing that keeps me from crumpling to the floor. I cry into his shoulder, my tears turning his T-shirt wet, as all the memories of the past roll through my mind.

This little girl is tied up in all our stuff, and it feels like I’m grieving losing her and losing Clay and losing our baby and losing Grandma Rose all at the same time.

I don’t know how long I stand there in Clay’s embrace, but I don’t pull away until I feel like I have enough control of my emotions to tell her goodbye. He shoves the paper from Charlie into my back pocket without saying a word, and I finally work up the courage to let go.

I sit back down in the chair, and Clay stands behind me with his hands gripping my shoulders. And I reach out to take Summer’s hand into mine again. Tears are a constant presence on my face, but I ignore them.

“I love you so much, sweet girl. So, so much. Getting to be your Auntie Josie is one of the greatest honors of my life.” I lean forward to kiss her forehead, but I let my lips linger for a long moment before I pull away. “Goodbye, Summer.”

On a shaky breath, I stand up from the chair, hug Clay one last time, and walk out of Summer’s bedroom forever.

I know by the look of her and the throbbing in my heart that there won’t be another time.

I drive home in a blur, drunk on sadness and devastation, unblinking until I pull into my driveway and shut off the engine.

With wooden legs, I walk inside, pull out the Clay loves Josie paper that Clay shoved into my jeans pocket as I was leaving and set it on the nightstand, and climb into bed behind Norah, hugging her tight.

She’s still sleeping, but I reach out and grasp her hand in mine while I cry silently into the pillow.

If only I could go back in time and do things differently. I’d take back so many things. I’d change so many things. If I could go back in time, I’d find a way to stay.

When the phone rings two hours later, the world is changed forever.