Page 45 of Wanting Daisy Dead

‘But then, one evening, out of the blue, Daisy told me she was meeting up with David. He’d been in touch and she’d realised she loved him.

This blindsided me. I thought we were a couple.

I knew it was still a secret, but to me it was real.

But I should have realised, because it wasn’t the first time she’d treated me as nothing, and it wouldn’t be the last – I was never safe with Daisy.

I was just someone else on a list of people that she called to keep her warm on a cold night.

‘I begged her not to go, told her she was going to get hurt and that she’d regret getting back with him.

“He’s happily married with two children, is he really going to give everything up for a nineteen-year-old knocked-up student?

” I said. But that wasn’t what she wanted to hear, and it made her angry.

She told me to piss off and mind my own business, and off she went.

‘But I couldn’t let her go like that, and I followed her, through the streets in the dark, heading for the beach, to meet David.

I sat in a bus shelter on the promenade, waiting.

I had my hood up and my head down so she wouldn’t recognise me.

There were one or two people out on the beach, walking their dogs, but no one saw me watching from my vantage point.

And from where I was I could see her on the beach, kicking stones, looking up at the sky.

It was a clear night and there were millions of stars – Daisy loved stars – and I watched her lift her head and twirl around and around.

I think I loved her more in that moment than I ever had, and I was determined she would never go back to David. ’

We are all rapt. This is a story to end all stories, and I hate myself but I’m already imagining the cover of the book I’ll write – Maddie’s story? Possibly.

‘David eventually turned up, they soon disappeared into his beach hut, and I knew what they were doing. He was using her again, and she’d fallen back into the pattern – it was so destructive.

‘Eventually, after an agonisingly long time, they emerged from the beach hut, kissed, and parted. So when he’d gone and she started walking up the beach, I caught up with her and, as I’d expected, she freaked out.

“What are you doing here, you’re being weird, Maddie,” she said, which I suppose was understandable.

‘“Can we talk?” I asked her, but she was like, “No way, just leave me alone, Maddie.” I was running alongside her trying to keep up, and I wanted to go somewhere private and out of the cold so I could talk to her, explain my feelings. I begged her again to talk to me, only this time I lied, saying I had a photo of David to show her. I implied he’d been cheating with another student – which wasn’t true.

Eventually she agreed and we walked back to the beach hut, which was now locked.

But it turned out Montgomery had had a key cut for Daisy, so she unlocked the door while I tried to get my head around the fact that he’d used his family beach hut for their affair. ’

She almost breaks down at this, but is clearly so determined to tell her story after almost twenty years of keeping it inside that she carries on, her chin trembling with emotion.

‘Once inside, I offered her a garden chair, but she shook her head, she wouldn’t even sit with me.

I reached for her, but she recoiled, like she couldn’t bear to be near me, and that hurt me, a lot.

“Show me this photo then,” she said, reminding me why we were there, and the only reason she’d agreed to come to the beach hut.

‘I didn’t answer her, I just said, “Please don’t go back to David.

He already has two kids and a wife, he doesn’t deserve you – or your baby.

” And that’s when she got angry. She probably realised I’d lured her there under false pretences, and she accused me of lying.

I realised in that moment that she was likely to run, so I said, “Daisy, let’s just move in together, live in another town, somewhere far away, just you and me and the baby .

..?” I waited for her to respond, to be emotional, to hug me, to say “Yes!” I thought she’d be relieved that she didn’t need David or Dan, she had me.

‘But I’ll never forget the look on her face. It was pure horror, and yet her eyes were dancing, like she wanted to laugh, you know? “I’ll love the baby like my own – we can be a family,” I told her, but by now I was beginning to feel unsure.’

We’re all still listening, but she’s mostly addressing Alex, who’s now gently encouraging her to continue.

‘Yeah, she just kept staring at me in horror, and then ... then she started laughing. I thought she’d never stop.

“I can’t be with you ...” she said, like I was repulsive.

When I asked her why not, she said, “Because I’m not gay.

” I wanted to die. I’d never loved anyone like I loved her.

And that’s when she said, “Maddie, I enjoyed my time with you, and I did love you in my own way, but I can’t live a life like that – I want a proper family, I want my kids to have everything I never had, but most of all I want them to have a dad. ”

‘I started to cry. I knew she wasn’t being true to herself; she’d loved me as much as I’d loved her, she just wasn’t strong enough to face the world as a gay woman.

But I was so hurt, and so disappointed in her – in who I’d thought Daisy was.

She was denying me, denying who she was, who we were.

I looked at her as she walked to the door, and saw no kindness in her eyes, just a desperate need to get away from me as she turned the handle to leave.

I went to hug her, but she recoiled and pushed me away with such force, and tried to get out of the hut.

But I begged her to listen to me, threatened to tell everyone about the two of us.

“Everyone will know who you are, even if you don’t know yourself! ”

‘“Maddie, you really are pathetic,” she said, and that’s when she started laughing; I could hear nothing but her laughter, and something came over me.

I instinctively picked up the hammer by the door, and still she laughed.

I held it high. “Stop laughing at me!” I was yelling, and I was waving the hammer, to threaten her.

It was just a warning, I never meant .. .

‘I just lost it, and only stopped hammering when I realised what I’d done, and by that time Daisy was lying on the floor of the beach hut, blood everywhere.’