Page 26 of Wanting Daisy Dead
Maddie
I’m glad Alex came tonight. It’s not been easy with this lot – the constant tension wears me down.
Lauren’s okay but a bit full of herself, especially when Georgie’s around; they’re both so competitive.
Lauren stormed off earlier because Teresa seems to be on to her, then she came back, and when Georgie dragged Dan out of the hall Lauren left again.
I get the feeling she followed them, and what’s that about?
They’re all back now, but the atmosphere is so frosty I can’t handle it.
‘Do you fancy some fresh air?’ I whisper to Alex.
‘Yeah, definitely.’ He’s already standing up, obviously as eager as me to leave this ice palace.
‘Just popping out for a vape,’ I say, and we almost run from the room to make our escape, both giggling with relief as we reach the hallway.
‘Fancy a spliff on the back step for old times’ sake?’ he says.
‘You still doing that?’
‘Yeah, now and then. Coming back here makes me want to smoke and forget. I may be the CEO of a multimillion-dollar company, but at heart I’m still a messed-up little junkie,’ he jokes, referring to the way Dan once described him. These things run deep, and last forever.
We step outside into the freezing winter night, and sit on a step around the side of the building near the kitchen extractor. It’s pushing out hot, savoury air, which stops us from freezing to death while he smokes and we talk.
‘Jesus, it’s cold out here.’ I look up into the clear night sky, and an all-seeing full moon glares down at me. ‘It’s good to get away from them.’
‘Yeah. The conversation is a constant middle-class carousel, moving around investments, property and long-haul luxury holidays.’
‘Don’t forget the cost of private schools.’
‘And don’t even talk about schooling in the US,’ he adds. ‘Lauren had to leave their place in Bel Air because they couldn’t find a school for poor Clementine.’
‘Fancy naming your kid after a fruit.’
He laughs at this. ‘Meanwhile, Dan is desperately trying to bond with me by making lame sexist comments, while Georgie sits there all waspish, like she just sucked a lemon.’
I’m laughing at this. ‘I’d forgotten how funny and bitchy you can be, Alex. I miss you ... I miss this. Just you, me, talking under the stars.’
‘Yeah, I do too.’
We sit and gaze at the night sky. There are no clouds, and the stars are twinkly tonight.
‘I hope, if they do reopen the case, the police get it right next time,’ Alex says.
‘You think David Montgomery was innocent then?’
‘I dunno, but I think someone in there knows more than they’re letting on.’ He looks at me intently as he hands me the spliff.
‘If they do, I have no idea who that might be. I’m not convinced of his innocence. Just because he’s killed himself, it’s brought it to the fore and everyone’s suddenly got an opinion.’
He shrugs. ‘I often listen to The Killer Question , and they’re a pretty slick outfit.
They do their research, and have a great track record in quashing verdicts.
If they believe David Montgomery is innocent, there’ll be good reason.
I’ve always believed that his conviction had more to do with him being a forty-odd-year-old lecturer having an affair with his teenage student.
Jurors are supposed to subjectively evaluate the evidence, but if there were mums and dads on that jury, I reckon unconscious bias could easily have come into play.
Throw in some DNA “evidence” and poor old David’s banged up for life. ’
‘You seem very knowledgeable about the case.’
‘I’m just interested, and feel for his family who’ve supported him from the outset.
His parents are dead now, but they remortgaged their house to pay the legal bills.
His brothers, his wife and extended family – and now the victim’s mother – think he might have been wrongly convicted!
I reckon the case’ll be reopened, unless someone confesses first and it’s open-and-shut. ’
Alex has never struck me as someone interested in true crime, or legal issues, but he’s obviously given this some thought.
‘I guess, having been in prison myself, I know what it must have been like for the bloke. I was only there for two years, and that was long enough – but he was incarcerated for almost twenty. Imagine.’
‘Alex, do you really think one of us did it?’ I feel a shiver go down my spine.
‘Yes . . .’
‘Who ... who do you think it is?’ My mouth’s dry. I don’t want to know.
He’s breathing smoke out and shaking his head. ‘ Don’t ... We might be being recorded out here,’ he says in a low voice.
‘We’re outside. It’s a safe zone, isn’t it? They can’t record here.’
‘I wouldn’t be so sure. I think we should be extra-careful.’
‘Yeah ... Better safe than sorry.’
‘So, what’s it like being back with them?’ Alex asks.
‘Just the same. None of them have changed,’ I say. ‘And neither have we. We’re still two outcasts sitting outside in the cold.’
‘Yeah, that pretty much sums up uni for me. But I’ve come in from the cold now.’
‘Yeah, you have,’ I sigh. ‘I’m still out there.’
Alex, Daisy and I were bright working-class kids who happened to get into university by the skin of our teeth. The other three were upper middle class with a good education, money and two parents, which created a huge invisible divide right down the middle of our apartment.
‘It was the little things that got to me,’ I say, ‘like Dan leaving Post-it notes saying “Sorry I ate your cheese.” He would eat everyone else’s food – just help himself to whatever was in the fridge.’
Alex shakes his head. ‘So entitled.’
‘I know. It was nothing to him, and when I asked him not to take my food because I couldn’t afford to buy any more, he said, “God, you look so sexy when you’re angry.”’
‘Ugh, sounds like Dan,’ Alex mutters.
‘God, he was just a lecherous, selfish, inconsiderate pig. I couldn’t believe it when Daisy started seeing him in the second year. I was like, “What the fuck, Daisy?”’
‘Well, she wasn’t looking for love with Dan, was she?’
‘No, by then she just wanted a baby daddy with enough money to support her,’ I reply. ‘She could be so calculating and manipulative, but funny and bright and ... I still miss her.’
‘Me too.’ He leans over and puts his arm around me. ‘We all do in our own ways. I bet even Georgie misses her.’
‘I doubt that. She was even more angry than I was when Daisy got with Dan,’ I say as he hands me the spliff again. I take a long inhale, and hold the smoke in my lungs until I can’t remember her, and if I do it doesn’t matter. None of it matters, and that’s where I like to be.
‘Those two are so co-dependent. She plays mummy, and he plays her hapless kid, which means she can indulge in cleaning and nagging, and he can shag around and be naughty.’
‘Nailed it. You’ve nailed it in one sentence, Mr Jones.’ I breathe out, watching the smoke escape, dancing and curling in the darkness.
‘I remember how they’d make a point of including us whenever we had what they wanted.
I provided the nose candy, you’d provide the eye candy, but the rest of the time they ignored us.
’ He’s shaking his head. ‘All they ever did was complain about their wealthy parents and the government and how by not eating meat they were doing their bit.’
‘I don’t know what I’d have done without you and Daisy at uni. You especially kept me sane. And your little side hustle saved us all, Alex.’ He gave me money for food and helped Daisy to get out of debt. ‘Did Daisy ever pay you back?’
‘Nah, but I never expected her to. You and D were like sisters to me.’
‘Daisy borrowed off me too. I felt sorry for her – she was desperate and crying, said her mum was going to be evicted. So I took out an extra student loan and emptied my bank account. “We can stay in and eat cheese on toast together,” she said. I felt like I’d done a good thing and really helped my friend.
But when I couldn’t go out because I’d given her all my money, she’d go without me – using my money.
’ I laugh incredulously. ‘She never even bought me a drink, or invited me along.’
‘Poor Daisy,’ he says. Alex doesn’t have a bone of resentment in his body, and I now feel guilty for sounding like a bitch.
‘I guess I just expected too much from her.’
‘You didn’t have to pay me back, you know, Maddie. When I got that cheque last year I was going to return it.’
‘I would have been so pissed off with you if you had. I’d owed you that money for years and it weighed me down. I feel like somehow I lost my dignity, and when I started earning good money, I had to buy it back, you know?’
‘I understand, and I’m glad the yoga studio’s doing so well. I’m proud of you!’
I nod, but can’t meet his eyes. My financial success has given me back my dignity, but I need to work on the shame that hangs around my head like a festering mould.
I long to tell someone the truth, especially Alex, but I’ve told so many lies over the years, they’re part of me, and I have to live with them.
Everyone here is worried about a secret being revealed.
I have more than one, and they’re pretty dark.
I don’t want anyone to know about me, what I am, or what I did.